The Reading List
by EditionsOfYou
Summary: Many years after the end of their relationship, Eiri and Shuichi cross paths again , having seemingly moved on from each other and created substantial lives for themselves. However ,still plagued with unanswered questions, Shuichi thinks that perhaps reading Eiri's books can provide some insight into the man he once loved and what happened between them.
1. The Singular Castaway

Thank you for clicking onto my 2nd Gravitation fiction. This story is alternative universe setting, slightly based on the anime but there will be a few OCs throughout as well. This story takes around 15 years after the end of their relationship which puts Eiri in his early forties and Shuichi in his mid-to-late thirties.

As always, this story may touch upon things like the anime includes like homosexuality, drinking, sexual abuse, conflicted family dynamics etc so I'm including that as part of the trigger warning. Once again thank you for reading. Any feedback is very much valued and appreciated.

* * *

"I wish you would just tell me where you're taking me!"

"If I did, that would spoil the surprise Yukiko."

"Yeah, well it better be a good surprise. You better not be taking me to dentist or a tutoring school session or something like that."

"Do I seem like that kind of dad?"

"I won't answer that." The girl answers tartly. "Oh-" She turns up the volume on the radio dial.

Her father reaches over and turns it off immediately.

"Hey ,why did you turn off? I like that song! "

" It was too loud." Eiri changes the subject. "How is school though?"

"Its boring but what else is new." Yukiko rolls her eyes behinds her glasses "I guess science is kind of interesting… We get to dissect things. Its pretty gross."

"Glad to hear that. How's your brother?"

"Oh you mean Mr. Popular? Hatori just made captain of the soccer team. He's still mad at you by the way, even though I told him not to be."

His son Hatori refuses to talk to him- because he's nothing like him. Hatori also thinks he treated his mother badly.

Funny, Eiri thinks, how things repeat themselves.

"Thanks for trying." Eiri forces himself to ask "How's your mother?"

"She's okay. " Yukiko says sullenly. "She's wants us to move in with Masuji and I really don't like Masuji."

Masuji is Eiri's ex-wife new boyfriend. Or rather her new fiancée.

"Why not."

"He's really annoying!" Yukiko complains. "He's even started calling me his daughter in front of people- not even step-daughter! He pretends he's part of family and he's not even married to Mom yet. "

"Yeah." Eiri mutters. He never like Masuji either.

Yukiko looks out the window at the passing blur of scenery. "Are you… seeing anybody Dad?"

"That's not something that concerns you honey."

"Can I ask you another question then?"

"Sure."

"What happened between you and Shuichi Shindo?"

Eiri's breath catches, his hands tight on the wheel. He is thankful that he does not veer off the road. He is also thankful that there are no sudden turns ahead.

Still, Eiri manages to compose himself. He knew this moment would come sooner or later. He just didn't expect it so soon , and while he was driving.

"You know of him?" Eiri attempts to sound nonchalant.

"Of course I know of him. Shuichi Shindo is the lead singer of Bad Luck. He sings that song Glaring Dream. It was on the radio until you turned it off."

Eiri stares ahead.

"I read in a magazine that said you and he were ….together a long time ago. There was even a picture of you with your arm around him. " Yukiko says pointedly, " Is it true?"

Eiri sighs. "This not an appropriate conversation to be having with my teenage daughter."

"Why not? I'm not stupid Dad, Some girls my age are already having sex-"

" They shouldn't be- and you better not be." Eiri interrupts sternly. "You're only 13."

"Ew! Ofcourse I'm not doing that!"

"Good. Because if you were-" Eiri growls. "I'd find whoever it was with and I would kill him slowly and painfully. "

"Dad! What I meant is that I'm not just a kid anymore. I know a lot more than you think I do. We can talk about grown up stuff too sometimes."

"I rather we didn't."

"But is it true?"

Eiri huffs. "You won't drop it, will you?"

"Nope."

There's no point in denying it Eiri thinks. She'll find out anyways, so she might as well hear it from the source.

"Yes, we were together briefly ." Eiri says. "It was long time ago."

"Ok… " Yukiko says, absorbing this new information. "Does that mean that you're…"

Eiri gives her a quick glance from the corner of his eye.

"If you are, I understand about it. " Yukiko says thoughtfully. " There are a lot of people… who are gay. I even have a gay friend at school. Its not something anyone can choose, the same way I don't choose to like boys. Anyways, I don't think it matters much. You're my dad no matter what."

After a long silence Eiri states. "That's very mature of you to say Yukiko."

"See? I told you I was grown up." Yukiko replies. "But … is that why you and Mom got divorced ? "

"No. Its not why we got divorced." Eiri struggles to explain. " You see … Shuichi was the only man I ever cared about in that way. I cared for your mother very much too."

"Did …you really love Mom?"

"Yes. She gave me you two."

"I meant … besides just having us."

"Yes I did ," Eiri says authoritatively, " but we couldn't make it work out- and that has nothing to do with you or your brother, understand?"

"Yeah …I think so." Yukiko frowns. "Have you ever tried to contact Shuichi again?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Like I said, it was very long ago. There wouldn't be any point. Look. We're almost here. " Eiri mutters under his breath. "_Thank God."_

She looks at the window at the passing sign. "Wow! Dad!"

"Is that a good or bad reaction?"

" Of course it's good! Everyone loves the Obaidiya Amusement Park!"

* * *

He's chased him all through their apartment but to no avail.

The other man yells. "No Shu! Stop!"

"Just tell me, what are you hiding behind your back baby?" The pop star teases. "Is that a present for me?"

"Its nothing! Really!"

"Really nothing is it? Now I definitely have to see what this nothing is !" Shuichi cries excitedly.

"No you don't!

"Yes it is! It's time to show this big nothing to me!"

"No its not time for that!"

"When will be the time then?"

"The time will be never!"

Shuichi proceeds to chases his boyfriend Daizai through their bedroom, their living room, into their kitchen, and around in a circle again.

Daizai flings himself into the living room sofa.

"Please. In all seriousness now. You really don't want to see this Shuichi- " Daizai grunts and curls into a ball over the object he's hiding. "Can't you just let me put it away first?"

" Why? Are you looking at some smutty picture?" Shuichi cackles and pounces on him. "If so, it better be one you took of me-"

They grapple. Shuichi gets the upper hand by tickling Daizai's weak spot, under Daizai's ribs In the process of Daizai's laughing, swearing and general carrying on , the much disputed object falls on the floor.

They freeze, still entwined and in active poses.

Shuichi eyes are huge. "Oh."

It's a book.

More precisely _Dream Portrait_ by Eiri Yuki.

They separate themselves from each other.

"Yeah." Daizai sheepishly picks it up . "Sorry."

He sets it on their coffee table.

"I wish I were looking at a smutty picture instead of this. I told you should have let me put it away. I know you were a couple way back… but I've been reading Eiri Yuki's books long before we even met. " Daizai apologizes. " Sorry again. I promise not to read them anymore."

"Heh. Its ok. It doesn't bother me what you read." Shuichi smiles tentatively. "You're probably the only man in Japan who does read his books though."

"Probably. " Daizai sighs. "Or the only man in the entire world. Growing up, my mom and my sisters read them and I happened to pick up one of his books out of curiosity. Then I was hooked. Anyways, I always get funny looks at the counter when I buy them ."

"But you get a lot of funny looks in general." Shuichi says affectionately.

Daizai does get looks as he's covered in tattoos, piercing and has a wildly improbable blue-black hair cut.

"Uh huh." Daizai snorts. "You're giving me a funny look right now."

"Yeah well, you deserve it!" Shuichi giggles.

Daizai puts his arm around him. "Yeah I do- but I like the looks you give me. "

Shuichi asks "So uh… is that book any good?"

"Any good? _Dream Portrait _is one of my favorites. Its a love story between two women actually , a female painter and her art model. Its pretty sexy and romantic - well… until the end. Haven't you read any of his books? They're great."

"No I haven't."

"Really? Not one?" Daizai says with disbelief. " Didn't you like … live with the guy for two years?"

"Yeah. I couldn't be bothered. " Shuichi rolls his eyes. "Eiri was always such an jerk about writing them. He would demand absolute peace, silence and solitude. You'd think he was writing The Tale of the Genji or something. By the time they came out, I was already sick of them."

"What was he like?" Daizai asks. "The mysterious Eiri Yuki? "

Shuichi murmurs. "The mysterious Eiri Yuki? He wasn't all that mysterious. He was a real grump. He smoked and drank all the time. He would kick me out of his place and he would call me a damned brat too."

"Well. You can be a bit of a brat sometimes- but no one deserves that kind of treatment. For a romance novelist, Eiri Yuki sounds like a real asshole."

"Yeah for the most part," Shuichi chuckles." but he could be sweet occasionally."

"I always wondered what happened between you two- " Daizai gently strokes the back of Shuichi's neck. "Did you just get too much on each other's nerves eventually?"

"Sort of. I guess the simple answer is that we wanted different things. But who cares? Its ancient history now. "

"Well… " Daizai smirks slowly. "what I really wanted to ask is…how was he like in bed?…."

"Oh come on! " Shuichi scoffs "Really Daizai? How immature. What are we, teenagers? "

"Immature? This is coming from a man who just tickled me as a way to win a argument. I'm just curious that's all!" Daizai wags his eyebrow. " Why don't you just tell me?"

"No!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"Wouldn't make you jealous to talk about that?"

"Why should it? Like you said yourself , its ancient history now. That and why should I be jealous? I'm very secure in our relationship. " Daizai explains.

"Maybe too secure."

"Ha ha. Come on. Admit it, this is pretty entertaining conversation…"

"Entertaining or just plain weird!"

"Hey, I might just want to know what I'm up against too!"

"You're not up against anything- heh, except me of course. You don't have anything to worry about- " Shuichi nuzzles his head into Daizai's chest. "Eiri wasn't nearly as good as you"

"Of course, who could be?" Daizai winks then wiggles his tongue to show his tongue piercing.

Today its a tiny skull.

"Heh. Yeah. Your ace in the hole." Shuichi grins then stops himself with a blush. "Woah. That sounded wrong."

"Sounded about right to me!" Daizai laughs. "But he was good?

" Yeah. Eiri was good in bed. "

"Now, the second question. Is he big? " Daizai grinned devilishly. "If so, how big are we talking?"

Shuichi sighs and indicates the length with his two hands.

"Shit! " Daizai guffaws. "Now I know why you stayed with the guy so long!"

"Stop it! " Shuichi mock pushes him. "Yeah well, it didn't last right? I'm with you now."

"Yeah you are which is awesome for me." Daizai takes him into his arms and hugs him tightly.

When they part he says. "Do you… ever hear from him?"

Shuichi sighs. "Not in ages. I don't even know what he's been up to. "

"I heard he married some model heiress and they had two kids together."

"Yuki? With two kids?" Shuichi bursts out laughing. "Now you're kidding!"

* * *

"One box of Pocky please." Shuichi stops at a newsstand.

He is about to take off when he hears that deep familiar laconic voice behind him.

"Why you damned brat."

"Noooo… " Shuichi gapes. "It can't be…"

Shuichi turns around.

Its Eiri, looking as Eiri-like as ever. He's wearing a loose dark blue shirt open to the third button, a long black coat and pants. He has the same hair style. Even has the same earring

Shuichi is suddenly conscious of how different he must look. His current hairstyle is shaggier, dyed ash brown with red and blonde streaks. He is wearing studded black boots, and dark embellished jeans, gifts courtesy of Daizai. (The jeans weren't actually a gift. Daizai took a pair of his nice jeans and artistically messed them up by writing his lyrics on them with a Sharpie. He also wrote "property of Daizai " on the inseam as a joke.) On his upper half, Shuichi wears a orange and red camouflage V-necked long sleeved t-shirt and a few black leather bands on his wrist.

"Who else would it be you idiot." Eiri smiles.

They share a quick friendly embrace.

"My God!" Shuichi exclaims. "How long has it been?"

"I don't even want to think about it."

"How have you been Eiri? You look great."

Eiri's eyes flicker up and down over him. "So do you. I heard you've been touring all over the world."

"That I have. I'm on hiatus right now- we all are. And … your new book just came out… right? Congratulations!"

"Thank you."

"So, what are you doing here?"

"Getting cigarettes." Eiri eyes the Pocky he's holding. "Seems like we're both getting our fix. "

"Yeah funny that!" Shuichi laughs. "Other than that - how are you? "

"I've been splitting my time between Japan and America, promoting my new book. I also recently got divorced."

"Oh." Shuichi grimaces. "I'm sorry."

"No its fine. Most importantly, my children are doing well."

"Your children… That's wonderful Yuki," Shuichi smiles kindly. "Do you have any photos of them?"

"Yeah ." Eiri takes out his wallet. "My daughter Yukiko . She's 13. My son Hatori. He's 15."

"Wow. They're gorgeous. "Shuichi says admiringly. "They look like their father. "

"Yeah. Well." Eiri looks a little embarrassed as he closes his wallet and puts it back in his pocket. "And you?"

"Me? No kids for me. My boyfriend and I have a bunch of spoiled fat cats together instead. Or the cats have us rather! "

" Heh. Sorry, am I keeping you?"

"No! Do you have some time?"

"Yeah- lets catch up and get some coffee."

* * *

At the nearby Café Matchbox, they discuss almost everyone they know. Tohma and Mika had twin boys a while back and have been traveling all over the world from one luxurious home to the next with them. Hiro and Ayaka are based in Kyoto and just had another child themselves - a girl this time. They talk of Fujisaki, Tatsuha, K, Ryuichi, Noriko, even Sakano.

After a while of this catching up ,Shuichi says "I'm really glad I ran into you."

"Are you. I thought you might not recognize me." Eiri murmurs. "The years haven't been too kind."

"Oh stop it. Don't you know? We both just get better looking with age Eiri."

"I wish that were true." Eiri smiles.

They look at each other for a moment.

"You know… while you were here." Shuichi struggles to say this eloquently, so he goes for straightforward instead. "I thought I should to tell you- that I'm sorry about the way things ended…"

"Hey." Eiri says seriously. "Let bygones be bygones right? It was such a long time ago. It doesn't matter. But while you were here, I thought I should thank you. You helped me out a lot. Thanks to you, I have a life. A pretty good one even."

"You did the same for me too Eiri. " Shuichi says softly. " You taught me so much and you gave me the confidence to follow my dream. For that, I'll always be grateful for you."

Eiri sit back in his chair and stares at him with such plaintive intensity. Shuichi has to look aside.

"Can I uh… ask you a favor." Shuichi mutters.

"Anything." Eiri says.

" My boyfriend loves your books."

Eiri raises a brow. "He's probably the only man in Japan who does."

"That's what I told him too. Could you sign your new book for him? He'll die of excitement."

Eiri says. "Of course but I'm afraid I don't have a copy on me."

"That's fine." Shuichi stands up. " I'll just run to the nearest bookstore and buy one really quick. Is that ok? Can you wait?"

Eiri glances at his watch. "I can."

It takes Shuichi a long time to find the nearest book store. When he does, he's in such a hurry to get back, he doesn't even have a chance to look at what it is he bought.

"I'm sorry it took so long. It was farther than I expected. Then I took a wrong turn." Shuichi explains breathlessly as he sits down.

Handing it over, Shuichi catches a glimpse of it . Apparently Eiri Yuki's newest book is called "_The Singular Castaway_." No picture on the cover, just black, white and words. Very stylish, very stark- like Eiri himself.

"Its fine." Eiri takes the book from him. "What's his name?"

"Daizai. Oh shoot! I forgot to buy a pen!"

"I'm a writer Shuichi." Eiri removes a Mont Blanc pen from his coat. "I always have a pen on me."

Eiri quickly scribbles something in the inside jacket, then closes the book and stands.

" Well, I'm afraid I have to get going."

"You do? So soon? Then it was… good seeing you."

"Yeah. Don't be a stranger."

Eiri pats Shuichi on the back as he brushes past him.

"Goodbye Shindo."

"Goodbye Yuki."

Shuichi watches Eiri leave, getting smaller and smaller until he can't see him at all. He asks for the bill.

"The other gentleman already paid." The waiter informs him.

Shuichi sits there for a moment. Then he opens the book and reads the signature.

_To Daizai,_

_You're a lucky man. _

_Enjoy the book._

_Eiri Yuki _

* * *

After Eiri leaves, Shuichi stays behind at the coffee shop and spends the next few hours reading the signed copy of "A Singular Castaway".

Its not an easy book to read. Shuichi seriously considers giving up twice.

Its about a successful lawyer Goushi who because of his dedication to his work and his exacting hard-edged manner, has a distant and tense relationship with his wife and children. Other than that, his life is comfortable and he is respected in his various circles.

However due to some upheaval at the large family-run firm he works at, Goushi is unwittingly made into scapegoat to cover up for the enormous blunders of his boss Outa (who is the firm's founder son). These blunders compromised crucial confidential information about their most prominent clients, some of them in the circles that he aspires to be in. As Goushi is high enough in command but yet has not enough personal clout to be considered indispensable, he forcibly set up to publicly apologize and resign.

Because of the public shame and the fallout of the incident, after his resignation Goushi is unable to find new work. His friends abandon him, and his wife begs him for a divorce so that he may not taint her and their children with the embarrassment of his stigma. Even his parents and siblings prefer to distance themselves from him.

Ergo the title: the singular castaway.

The rest of the book : Goushi tries to figure out what remains of his now ruined life. Stubbornly, he attempts to reach out, redeem himself or reinvent himself over and over and fails again and again. In his desperation to tether himself to some society, Goushi makes "friends" with some seedy down-and-out types as they are the only people who will deign to associate with him. Even they treat him with contempt knowing his downfall as a former bourgeoisie. These new "friends" end up getting him into many awful and degrading situations- including one where he is badly beaten up in the back of a pornography shop . He also attempts some love affairs with several dysfunctional women that leave him disappointed, dissatisfied and disgusted with himself. In the meantime, Goushi contemplates what might have been if he had chosen a different path. As a young boy, he fantasized about studying animals, sea life in particular. In addition, he is haunted by the memory of Nami, his first love during his time in university.

Increasingly too, Goushi is consumed with the idea of making his former boss Outa suffer for what he's done to him, then he is simply gripped with the idea of his former boss himself. Outa is charismatic, handsome but stupid , Goushi is none of those things. Outa, because of his family connections and wealth is cushioned from reaping the consequences of his stupidity and gets away with everything and never has to really had to work hard -unlike Goushi who came from a humbler background and had to fight for everything he had , only to have it taken away. Not only that, Outa is allegedly happily married with a good family life , while Goushi is estranged from his family. Goushi's former boss Outa is everything he is not, and has everything he does not have and for that reason Outa becomes his obsession. Goushi secretly starts to follow Outa atound, and formulates a plan of revenge against him with the help of one of his new seedy friends.

Then to his horror, Goushi discovers in one of his surveillance sessions that Nami, his former first love, is the wife of Outa, the man responsible for his downfall. Not only that ,but from what he sees, Outa and Nami are actually very happy in their marriage .

Goushi then realizes that he has to make a choice- either he must continue and carry out his plans of revenge for his own satisfaction , or he has to protect the happiness of his first love Nami and let it go.

-Shuichi is dreading the end , but he continues reading anyways-

Instead Goushi does neither. He shuts himself away. He writes a very long letter to Nami explaining what exactly her husband Outa did to him and all the repercussions since. He writes of his anger and hatred of Outa, which he realizes is fueled by self-hatred and envy more then anything else. Even further, Goushi writes about his joyless upbringing, his superficial friendships, his strained marriage and the rift between him and his children preceding it. He writes that he finally sees now that his family and everyone around him have always been as much of a stranger to him as he was to them, that he was long castaway from them even before the "incident" happened. He writes how he knows that it is his fault, that he understands the extent of which he failed himself, how he sacrificed his chances for connection and happiness and devoted most of his life to a occupation he did not enjoy and ended up having nothing to show for it. At the end of the letter, Goushi writes to Nami, that at least for all this, he knows that he truly loved her, he has loved her all this time, and he will never love anyone else.

He spends a long time deciding whether or not to send it to Nami.

At the very last page of the book, Goushi tears the letter up and throws it into the ocean.

* * *

When Shuichi closes the book , he has a lump in his throat .


	2. The Bitterness of Absence

When Shuichi returns home, Daizai is upset.

"Damnit." Daizai paces back and forth. He throws his hands up. His nails have been chewed down to a nub. "The last few hours I've had. I can't even tell you- It's been the worst waste of time I can remember. The framers got all the measurements for my photos wrong. Not one. ALL of them. Now they have to redo them all. Not only that, they want to charge me extra for doing it 'on such short notice'! And its already costing me an arm and a leg, and the only reason they have to do it on short notice is because of their own idiotic mistakes! Can you believe that?!"

Shuichi picks up the receiver of their home phone and sighs. "Its ridiculous. Don't worry Daizai. It'll be a moment. Let me just give those people a call-"

"C'mon no- put that down!" Daizai groans. " Don't Shu- please!"

"Wait. I promise- I can't stand to hear of all that troubling you and it'll only take five minutes!" Shuichi protests.

Daizai snatches the phone from Shuichi and smashes down the receiver. "I said no!"

They stare at each other.

"Why not?" Shuichi gawps confusedly. "What's the big deal? Why don't you just let me sort it out for you?"

"Because even though I may not look it, I have my pride!" Daizai shouts.

Shuichi says gently. " You know I didn't mean it that way."

"No but it still came across like it. That and its not that big of an issue. I wasn't asking you for a favor." Daizai puts a hand over his eyes. "I didn't ask you to do anything."

"I just want to help and make things easier for you. "

"I was… I was just venting ok? I'm capable of sorting out this situation on my own. But thanks for offering I guess."

"…Okay." Shuichi says cautiously. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure." Daizai grumbles. "All I wish is that I could do the framing for my photos myself like I normally do. Its the only way I can guarantee stupid shit like this doesn't happen , and that I have my work presented exactly how I want it… but I don't have the time to do it myself this close to the show."

"I'm sorry about that." Shuichi takes Daizai by the shoulders. " I know this has been really stressful for you. Like I said, I wish I could make it easier-"

"No. Its my fault, I should learn my lesson by now." The tattooed man sighs and shakes his head angrily. "I shouldn't leave things to the last minute like I always do. That's all on me. God I'm stupid."

Shuichi attempts to soothe him. "That's the last thing you are Daizai."

"No I am . Really. " Daizai shrugs Shuichi's hands off. He grabs his paint splattered knit jacket off the back of his chair and throws it on. "It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have said anything to you. Lets go eat. I'm starving-"

"Wait. Before we do-" Shuichi runs to grab his bag off the kitchen counter and pull his most recent acquisition out of it." I got you something today ! Hopefully it make you feel a little better…"

"What is it then?" Daizai snorts. " It would have to be a bazooka -courtesy of K. Or maybe a lobotomy."

"No. It's a _nice_ surprise." Shuichi returns with Daizai's present and hands it over. " I'm sorry I didn't have time to get it wrapped but…"

"Oh neat." Daizai takes it with a gracious smile. " _The Singular Castaway. _Eiri Yuki's new book! I was meaning to get this when I had the chance. Thank you!"

"That's not all." Shuichi tilts his chin. "Look in the inside cover."

"Um. Ok" Daizai frowns and opens the novel.

Then Daizai's eyes widen and his expression changes from incredulity, to joy, to shock , to incredulity again to bald confusion to ecstatic joy. "Woah. WOOAH…! No way. Woah. WOAH!"

"Um." Shuichi utters. He is taken aback by Daizai's vast and sporadic emotional range. "….Do you … like it?"

"Like it?" Daizai stammers and points to the book repeatedly, flabbergasted. "You're... you're…. you're-How- how did you get this?!"

Shuichi claps his hands in delight. "You wouldn't believe it. I ran into Yuki on the street bizarrely enough! He was getting cigarettes and I was getting Pocky at the same newsstand!"

Daizai's jaw drops. "Now that's serendipity."

"I'll say. Yuki had some time so I ran off, bought a copy and asked him to sign it for you. Sorry for the random timing of giving it to you right now . I thought maybe I'd save it for you, for your birthday… but you seemed so down and I wanted to cheer you up. You know how your moods upset the cats! So I just couldn't wait ."

"I'm glad you didn't! My birthday isn't for months- and I might have already bought it by then! You're the best!"

Daizai jumps forward and voraciously hugs him. Shuichi hugs back.

" Oh wait! I got to ask though " Daizai pulls back, concerned. " How was … seeing Eiri again? Do you need to talk about it? "

"Oh it was fine! " Shuichi waves a dismissive hand. " We just had a coffee and a short chat. It was nice actually to see him again after all these years. He seems to be doing ok so I'm happy for him."

"Ha. I still can't believe this. A signed copy from Eiri Yuki given to me by my amazing boyfriend. This is just too cool." Daizai flips the book open again and stares at the signature. His smile fades.

"What?" Shuichi frowns. "Is there something matter? Are you still … mad about me trying to call the framer?"

"No. I'm not mad at all." Daizai shakes his head. "Its just that he's … so right you know."

"Right?"

"About this part he wrote." Daizai raises the book and points to the relevant line. " That I'm lucky."

"Ah" Shuichi looks aside and chuckles. "knock it off. For all you know I could have told him to write that!"

"I know you didn't. But really. " Daizai says. " I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"You're crazy if you think that." Shuichi huffs fondly. "Or you're more stupid-"

Daizai steps forward and kisses him hard on the lips.

Shuichi stands there, still with surprise.

"No I'm not." Daizai says solemnly when he steps back. "Give me your hand."

Shuichi does.

"I'm being serious right now. I was stupid. I was stupid to take your kindness for anything else then what it was, back there." Daizai fiercely seizes his hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles. "Forgive me Shuichi. I don't take any part of you for granted. I love you. More than anyone."

"Daizai" Shuichi says breathlessly. " You know- that -I-"

"Yeah." Daizai kisses him again before he can finish that sentence.

This time, Shuichi lays his hands on Daizai's back and pulls him in closer and kisses back. It transitions to another embrace.

Daizai gracefully tilts his head to kiss his ear, then up and down his neck. He whispers softly into the base of Shuichi's throat. "I didn't mean to take out my frustration on you. You were just trying to help me and you know I'm not used to that- I 'm still not used to people giving a damn about me-"

"Please. Don't say things like that -" Shuichi clings to the other man. "I can't stand to hear that because I care about you so much. I only want to help you- and make you happy ."

"You do Shuichi- More than I can say." Daizai speaks deeper still, a low growl into his mouth between long heated kisses. "Do I do that for you?"

"Yes." Shuichi whispers.

"Do I help you?"

"Yes." One of Daizai's hands go lower.

" Do you make you happy?"

"Of course-" Shuichi shivers as Daizai's two hands skitter up Shuichi's shirt to the caress bare skin of his back.

_The Singular Castaway _falls between them

"Hey, the book-" Shuichi tries to reach down and grab it.

"Leave it." Daizai grabs Shuichi's shirt . He pulls him up to seize his mouth again. "I don't care about the book."

"And …what … about …dinner-? " Shuichi gasps. They're still in each other's arms as they slowly walk backwards towards the bedroom. "I.. have.. reservations -"

"I don't care-" Daizai pants'" about the reservations."

"Then …what do you care about?"

"What do you think." Daizai grabs him by the wrist and tugs Shuichi into their bedroom. "Just you."

"But …you said… you were hungry…" Shuichi murmurs light-headedly as he allows himself to pulled in.

As the door closes Daizai says "We'll order in later."

They never get round to ordering.

* * *

He wakes up with Daizai's cheshire grin in his face. "Good morning sexy."

"Huh?" Shuichi gawks bewilderedly. He kicks up a leg which angers one of their corpulent cats (unoriginally named Totoro) who was asleep on his leg. "Gahhh. Sorry Totoro. Its …. morning?"

"Yeah. That's why the sun is out, and why I have your morning coffee in my hand genius. I have some breakfast out on the balcony for us, but I thought I would lure you out here with a preview."

"Oh thanks. I really need that." Shuichi groggily swipes the small cup and swigs it down in one hearty gulp.

Daizai says concernedly. "Hey. Are you alright? You look a little out of it."

"I am completely out of it- but where I don't know. " Shuichi runs a hand through his hair . It looks comically disheveled, the way only post-sex hair can look. "Wow. Just…last night …."

"Yeah." Daizai says.

They eye each other and burst out laughing.

"Damn. Last night was fantastic. Better than fantastic." Shuichi tosses his head back on the pillow. " I'm really exhausted though…. and sore all over. But in a good way. Heh. You know I don't even remember falling asleep? Its like I blacked out or something."

"I 'm not surprised. I think I blacked out multiple times. We may have even blacked out simultaneously. " Daizai grabs a robe that they keep in the chest by their bed. " Here. Put a robe on, so we can go out."

"Bossy." Shuichi huffs and puts on his robe- or rather he puts Daizai's black and grey tiger print robe, as Daizai is wearing his electric blue one. Daizai tries to pull him out of bed.

"Hey I haven't tied my robe yet! Do you want me to get arrested?"

" Come on man- hurry up, can you still walk?"

"Can I still walk?! Sheesh, what do you think I am? An invalid?"

"Just about." Daizai jokes. "I do happen to be your much younger lover."

" My much younger lover!" Shuichi growls. "There's not that much of an age difference between us! Only nine years- and I'm still in my thirties!"

"I know ,I know. I just like to tease you about it because you're cute when you get wrought up. Besides there's no need to get all cranky, I'll be sure to feed you Pocky stick by stick when you get too old-"

"Ha ha. Very funny. And you already do feed me Pocky that way you bastard."

"C'mon Shu. You know I don't care and you shouldn't either. Age is just a number and love knows no age , blah blah blah, all the rest of that crap. Besides I may be a bastard but I'm a bastard that rocked your world last night, and just cooked a delicious breakfast to boot. That's getting cold."

"And he's so modest too!" Shuichi clucks sarcastically and rolls his eyes. "Ok. I'm up."

As they trudge by their living room, Shuichi sees _The Singular Castaway _is no longer castaway on the floor. Its on their shelf next to five other Eiri Yuki novels.

"I see you started a public shelf for your formerly secret collection." Shuichi smiles gingerly.

"Yeah. After this, I figured you wouldn't mind if I put them out." Daizai shrugs.

"I never would have minded."

"I didn't know that before! That and they don't take up much space on our shelf. I don't have many of his books, to tell you the truth. Just my very favorite ones."

"How many books has Yuki written exactly?" Shuichi stares at the books keenly.

"I'm not sure. He's written like… a ton I think. That's the exact number." Daizai grabs him around the waist, and pulls him towards the balcony. "Come on my pocky prince, our banquet awaits."

* * *

Later in the week , Shuichi goes back to the same bookstore where he bought _The Singular Castaway. _

Shuichi approaches the desk clerk a bit abashedly. "Excuse me. Um. What books of Eiri Yuki do you carry?"

The clerk smiles brightly with her bright pink lips, amidst her orange dyed curls. Obviously she too is a fan. "We have a lot of them sir, but I'm not even too sure myself. Let me print out a complete list of his works for you."

The clerk goes into the back and returns with a freshly printed piece of paper. The list is full on both sides, on the front and the back.

"Woah." Shuichi blinks behind his sunglasses, as he scans the list. "That is a lot of books."

"Indeed. He is very prolific. I myself am a fan of Eiri Yuki's novels, but even I haven't read all of them! Let me show you what we do have from our inventory."

The clerk leads him to the proper shelf under Literature/ Romance. She pours over the shelf thoroughly, while checking the list.

"We have about a quarter of the books he's written least. I could order the rest of them for you , if you want! Here, do you wish to take a further look yourself?"

The clerk hands the list over to Shuichi.

Shuichi takes it confusedly.

"Oh no- I'm okay." Shuichi glances at the list , then the shelf, then at the list again. "I'll just want to buy… one or two of them I think."

He stands there motionless.

"It is a difficult choice?" The clerk smiles sympathetically.

"Kind of." Shuichi scratches his head. " I don't know where to start. "

"If I can recommend one… the newest one just came out. "

"Yeah." Shuichi swallows. "I already read that one."

"Then the one I'm reading right now is called _The Bitterness of Absence_." The clerk excitedly tells him. "Eiri Yuki wrote it some time ago but I prefer his older books myself. So far it's a very good read!"

Not knowing what else to do. Shuichi says. "Ok. I'll take that one then."

At the counter. Shuichi says. "Can I please take that list you printed out with me too? "

"Sure you can." The clerk says and hands him a card along with the bag with his new book. "Do take our card too- just incase you change your mind about ordering."

* * *

Shuichi goes back to Café Matchbox with "_The Bitterness of Absence" _as he doesn't trust himself to actually read at home. There being too many distractions there. Also with Eiri's books, he knows he will need a lot of coffee to concentrate.

The publishing date of the book is 14 years ago.

It is about a young man Takashi who is a jock, a star pupil and popular at his university but comes from a troubled family. Takashi's father abandoned his family at a early age. His mother is provocatively sexual , pill -addicted and recently re-married to her abusive but wealthy boyfriend or his new step-father. Takashi's younger sister is troubled, possibly mentally ill. None of his friends know this. Takashi pretends to have the perfect life.

Takashi also dates a classmate Etsuko. Etsuko while smart, pretty, and sweet , is also immature and highly emotionally reliant on him. Takashi doesn't really know if he loves her or not, but continues the relationship because he appreciates the stability and the emotional support it provides.

In a required basic philosophy class, Takashi becomes increasingly irritated with one of his classmates in it. This classmate of his is disconcertingly strange . He has shifty haunted eyes, reeks of cigarettes, is rail thin and is unkempt, always with a five o clock shadow and wild hair, and dresses eccentrically in mismatched outfits combining shoddy business shirts, with jeans and denim or leather jackets. This strange boy is not studious either. He shows up late to every class and then has the audacity to sleep through it . He also seems to hate sports (he always sneers at the sport players as he passes them) , eschews school life in general, and is often seen drinking beer, eating junk and hanging out with many questionable off-campus friends and girlfriends who call him "Bird" even though his real name is Okubata.

Takashi's irritation grows to the point to where he actually approaches Okubata and asks him flat out why he's wasting his family money and his own time by coming to university and acting like a imbecile. Takashi then tells Okubata that he doesn't belong here.

In response, Okubata tells him he agrees that he doesn't belong here, and then tells Takashi to go fuck himself.

They avoid each other from then on.

The professor of their philosophy class is a lonely old widower who attempts to treat his pupils like the children he never had. He issues an invitation to his class to come to his nearby home for tea one day. Takashi and Okubata are the only two that attend, much to each other's surprise and annoyance. Takashi goes to curry favor with his professor, Okubata goes for free food ( which he proceeds to eat ill-mannerly, making only terse replies to the professor's attempts to converse with him) . The tea is awkward to say the least, but half way through it, a moderate earthquake happens. During this earthquake, Okubata grabs Takashi and pulls him under the table and covers himself over him.

Moved by Okubata's heroic instincts, Takashi feels indebted and apologizes to him .He starts to help Okubata with his school work by giving him his class notes. Then Takashi resolves to improve the strange boy as a pet project. Takashi starts to come to his dorm room and knock on Okubata's door to wake him up on time in the morning. Takashi helps him pass his mid-terms, and then takes care of Okubata in other ways too, like buying his cigarettes and keeping them for him to make him reduce his smoking and encouraging him to jog with him after class. Takashi even teaches the Okubata how to cook a few dishes so he can eat better. Okubata at first tries to avoid him at all costs, then reluctantly and grumpily complies, then gradually grows accustomed to their odd interaction.

The jock realizes during these exchanges, that while Okubata acts like a fool and a ne'er-do-well , Okubata is actually talented in music, jazz music in particular (although he doesn't study music in school because he says he hates the regimented way it is taught and having to brownnose professors). He can play multiple instruments such as drums, saxophone , even piano and he is in a band with his off-campus friends. The reason Okubata always sleeps through class is because he is practicing and playing shows with them at the local clubs and bars at night. It also explains his nickname "Bird" after his favorite jazz musician Charlie Parker.

Takashi discovers too that Okubata is actually very smart (maybe even smarter than him) and has a wry sense of humor. They find out more and more about each other . As they don't mingle in same circles , when they do spend time together its just the two of them. Nevertheless they find out , despite their obvious differences and different social scenes, that have a lot in common- they read the same books, listen to some of the same music (which instantly gives the jock respect with the strange boy), and have similar backgrounds too .

Takashi learns that Okubata's mother committed suicide when he was five. Okubata has a well-off and mean alcoholic father and a very cold and contentious relationship with his step-mother. Okubata admits that he went to school not because he cared about learning or achievement, but mostly to get away from his family. Takashi feels much the same way, in that he sees school as a refuge from the chaos of his own family, and he achieves so much at school and acts extra-responsibly because he fears becoming like them.

The two young men gradually become good friends , then best friends. Their friendship becomes more and more intimate. Takashi discloses to Okubata things he's never told anyone before, not even his girlfriend. He talks about the few memories he has of his biological father before he abandoned them. All have been traumatic. Takashi's father had been obsessed with martial arts and had forced him and his sister to practice it from a young age even though they both hated it. Their father was unnecessarily rough with them, once so rough that that during a lesson, his father broke his arm. Not only that, afterwards his father called him weak and did not take him to the hospital. His mother had done so and only after she awoke from a pill-induced stupor. He tells Okubata about his mother's addiction, her outright and unhealthy sexual behavior and his step-father's abuse towards her.

In turn, Okubata admits to the jock that he still remembers discovering his mother's dead body. Okubata also admits that he figured out when he was older that his mother killed herself because she found out about his father's affair with his mistress at the time, who is now his current step-mother.

After the exchange of these dark and painful secrets, their bond and sympathy and sense of protectiveness towards each other is stronger than ever. Takashi and Okubata start to call each other brothers- first as a joke, then in earnest. They insinuate themselves into each other's social circles, much to the chagrin of their other friends (who they ignore). The two young men think about and seek each other out constantly. Their intimacy grows to the point that it becomes uncomfortable, as Takashi starts to perceive Okubata as an extension of himself, his doppelganger, even his soul mate. At one point Takashi demands Okubata wear one of his sporting jackets when they go out, instead of his typical denim and leather ensemble, demanding that they match. When Okubata refuses, Takashi violently fights and forces the jacket onto his body.

Okubata then realizes how weird their relationship is becoming and starts to try and distance himself in various ways- including by dating one of the jock's girlfriend Etsuko's acquaintances. This makes the jock upset and jealous- although he doesn't know why. The jock in an attempt to retain control of the situation, flirts with Okubata's new girlfriend. In retaliation , Okubata flirts with Etsuko, and in the midst of this, the two young men are increasingly attracted to one another as well.

At the apex of this sexual confusion, Takashi subtly intimates that he would be willing to sleep with a man- (in other words, Okubata,if he wanted it in order to bond them closer again). Okubata is terrified but flattered, repulsed yet elated by this revelation, and doesn't know what to do, or how to respond to this. In response, the strange boy proceeds to attempt to avoid the jock even more, while also (absurdly) trying to pretend that nothing in their friendship has changed. As the attraction grows stronger still, Okubata's "avoid and attract" behaviors grow more extreme. Okubata then acts purposely hostile to make Takashi stay back (even making a horrible comment about Takashi's mother which he immediately regrets - in response, Takashi runs away from him instead of hitting him as he is tempted to do). Then at times when he feels guilty and misses his friend terribly, Okubata acts as if they are better friends then ever.

Somehow this bizarre and evasive behavior only augments the yearnings towards each other the two young men feel, until the Takashi and Okubata are both driven into a near delirious state of torment , both deeply and half-desperately wanting each other , both half -desperately infuriated and afraid of each other.

But before either of them can make a choice either way, Okubata suddenly learns he has to move back home. His father due to his alcoholism , is becoming too mentally unstable to fulfill his duties. Okubata's grandfather strong-arms Okubata into returning, claiming that he must come back and be groomed to take over their family's luxury watch business or else it will dissolve( and with it the family fortune and Okubata's inheritance). Okubata can see no way of avoiding it, as he has just graduated and so has the jock.

The two young men are forced to say goodbye quickly. They try to act stoic about it, but they end up breaking down anyways . In the midst of their tears, they promise each other that they will never not be friends, that they will be brothers for life.

Takashi and Okubata try and continue their friendship by writing a series of emotionally charged emails and messages back and forth. Their writing styles are a study of contrasts. Takashi writes clear methodical prose like that of an sensitive and thoughtful journalist or essayist. Okubata writes like a street poet, in a hardly structured stream of consciousness with lots of low language and gritty dark humor.

In fact the book's title is from one of Okubata's emails sent to him as related in the paragraphs that follow:

_Absence is not something I ever got. Ok, maybe I did get it once. When my mother offed herself. No. No even that. I didn't get that. I was too young to really understand whatever that was, which was a good thing because at least Mother did it quick right? Which is the right way. They say Mother knows best . ha. Maybe she knew best after all didn't she? Maybe she knew about what I'm saying. Maybe that's why she didn't stick around to mope for a few years. Because children don't know what they truly have in the first place, so they can't comprehend what they've lost. Kids only know when something's missing. But not of absence. There's a big difference. The real pain comes later- when they realize what they lost. Kids don't know about absence yet. Maybe absence is a grown up thing. A retrospective thing._

_ I don't know if I'm grown up . I don't know if even being "grown up "exists anymore. Maybe we're all just children -but some of the lucky ones lie and get to call the shots more - But I know about this Takashi. This I grasp, this I feel, and I chew and digest hourly. Its immediate. Its present and growing and continues into where we can't even know or see. Its here in these words to you. Can you see that Brother? It doesn't matter what room I go into, this one or the next, or the room past that or if I just keep walking and going further, walking past all my familiar things and belongings and the unsightly furniture that I use, to the things I've never seen before , because they all seem to be boding and alive with some loathsome invisible unease, but the fact its invisible doesn't prevent it from being real. When I look into every drawer, it finds me, when I'm hungry and I look in my refrigerator to look for something to eat, I find it waiting in the light that shines in my face, I see it inside a pulp and the seeds of an smashed up fruit on the sidewalk or when I'm picking up stones to throw in the park or in the corner of my eye, or when I look behind me to see nothing- but I know. I know its there. I see it, when I look into eyes of stray dogs and strangers who don't know anything about me and never will , but its what they in see and that's why they stay back. When I look into the shadows of the reflection in that funny looking face of mine ,there it lies waiting, it's depth in those peculiar hollows of my mouth, between my nose and eyes. I feel it most when I hear the laughter of others and its worse because, like a dissonant riff, it reverberates in the emptiness of me over and over and over and over and over… _

_What is it? Its absence. The absence of what? I guess whatever matters to you or me, and they say it makes the heart grow fonder. What a crock. It doesn't. Not my fucking heart at least. Or whatever passes for it. Its not like Nietzsche said, like we learned about in that stupid class, it doesn't make it stronger either. It crumples mine into a little ball then shits on it. Like a dried up insect. It strips and it grinds, and it degrades and disgraces me. It makes my heart miniscule. It makes it bitter . _

_The bitterness of absence. Its waiting for me. More like, it has got me. _

_All can I think about is it waiting for you too my friend? Does it have you too?_

Meanwhile Takashi's life situation rapidly worsens. Not only is he suffering the loss of his best friend, he is suffering a crisis of identity. No longer at school, Takashi can no longer define himself as the good popular pupil or the jock. Instead he is forced to work a dull and low paying job unable to find good work in the city he and Etsuko are living. He and Etsuko can only afford a depressingly small place.

Meanwhile Takashi's troubled sister's misbehavior intensifies. Takashi is forced to be involved in assisting her in covering up and terminating an accidental pregnancy ( as she begs him to keep it a secret from their mother). Later his sister is finally arrested for theft and for striking a police officer in her attempt to escape , and is sent to prison. In addition, his step-father becomes increasingly more abusive towards his mother, until Takashi gets into a brutal fight trying to defend her from him. In the process he breaks his step-father's arm. After that, the step-father claims he wants a separation and leaves Takashi's mother for another woman. Not only does Takashi mother blame Takashi for that, his step-father's abandonment along with his sister's incarceration only makes his mother's pill addiction and tendencies towards unhealthy sexual behavior worse. Takashi's protective actions also inadvertently cut off the possibility of him going to graduate school (which he was considering), as he can no longer afford it without the step-father's support.

At the same time Etsuko is pressuring him to move with her family's city, as her family is willing to support them and there is better job opportunities for them both there. Takashi doesn't want to move on although he's unhappy where they are, because he claims to feel responsible for the rest of his family. Etsuko says if he can't commit to her or better their situation, she will have to leave him, and move in with her family herself.

In attempt to make the situation more bearable, Takashi begins to fantasize about escape. He dreams of breaking away from his family and his girlfriend and going to live with Okubata instead. He fantasizes about the two of them traveling the world and having many fantastic adventures together. Takashi even secretly starts trying to save money for these plans (money that should be spent on his future with his girlfriend) , and researching different places where they might possibly go .When finally, Takashi tells Okubata of his secret plans in their correspondences, the response is not what he expected. Okubata continually evades the topic in his replies back. As Takashi urgently tries to bring up the subject more and more to get the desired response, the emails get slower and less intense and personal from the Okubata's side, until they stop entirely.

The two young men see each other again in person nearly a year later, when Okubata suddenly sends him an email telling him he is coming back for a brief visit to the Takashi's city for work reasons. Takashi is extremely excited to see him and they arrange to meet.

When they do, Takashi finds that the strange boy has completely changed . Okubata is no longer strange at all. Okubata has become successful, and nearly taken over his father's luxury watch business, and seems no longer interested in music, not even responding to his former nickname "Bird." He is almost unrecognizable, clad in a proper and expensive suit and tie, neatly groomed and very self-composed( and sporting of course, a very impressive watch.) He is even engaged to a very desirable girl from a well-known family . He appears content.

Takashi feels the distance and the lack of connection between them, His once friend doesn't even call him "brother" anymore in addressing him and doesn't mention their passionate emails to each other. Takashi grasps that Okubata has truly moved on from him and they can never again have what they had . He understands his fantasy has no chance of ever coming true and is both poignantly pleased for Okubata's newfound confidence and happiness , but very sad and sorry for himself.

But in some ways it helps him. Takashi decides if Okubata can move on, he must as well. Takashi realizes it wasn't his obligation to his family keeping him stuck, it was rather holding onto the possibility of a life with his friend. Now that it isn't a possibility, Takashi decides to do what is most realistically advantageous for himself. He and Etsuko get engaged and begins the move to her family's city.

At the end of the book, right as he is leaving, Takashi finds out Okubata died shortly after their last meeting. He died of an drug overdose.

* * *

Just as he finishes. Shuichi lets go of the book as if the pages burn to a touch. It falls to the table with a thud.

He shoves it away then sits back from it. He looks around the coffee shop.

Everyone is going about their business as usual.

Shuichi realizes his chest hurts because he is not breathing.

He places a fist over his mouth. His heart is pounding and he doesn't know why. That hard strange lump in his throat is back -but it feels sharper this time. His eyes are filling, and starting to spill forth, until they're streaming down his face.

The people around him have no idea what is happening to him. The people around him don't care.

Shuichi shakily picks up his cell phone and dials. His chest feels even tighter like there are bands constricting him as he does it.

He closes his eyes and listens. The phone just pointlessly rings and rings.

He doesn't know why he's doing this. He is about to hang up, when it is finally and abruptly picked up.

Shuichi is so stunned he almost forgets to speak.

"Hello …" Shuichi manages to utter when he remembers it. He even does with some measure of composure."is this Eiri Yuki's number?"

"Yes it is." Its unreal when he hears that deep level distinctive voice. Eiri's voice. "Shuichi."

The band around his chest loosens. He breathes once, then twice. Then he hastily wipes the tears off with the back of his hand, taps the table top with his finger tips and attempts a smile hoping it will be heard in his voice. Even though its not a question Shuichi confirms "Yes. Its me."

"How did you get this number?"

"Its… the same private number that you had back in the day."

"Oh." A long pause. Shuichi can hear the click of Eiri's lighter. Then an inhale. Then a exhale. " Right. I guess I never bothered to change it." Then another paise "Why are you calling me."

"I'm sorry. Would you rather I didn't... I won't disturb you.."

"No. It's fine. Its an surprise, but not an unpleasant one."

"So was seeing you again Yuki." Then Shuichi takes another breath " I … had fun"

"I did too." Eiri says with characteristic detachment.

"I just…. wanted to thank you for signing the book."

"It was nothing."

"I hope I didn't make you late for anything."

A grunt. "No. Nothing important."

"I wanted to apologize if I did. I also wanted to ask you if you wanted to get coffee again sometime."

"Pardon."

"Coffee again. This time my treat."

"Coffee?" He can hear the stern frown in Eiri's tone. "Shuichi. Don't take this the wrong way but -"

"I didn't mean like that!" Shuichi cries, warm-faced. " I'm already in a relationship. I meant like coffee with a friend. I'd like to be friends with you Eiri. I think enough time has passed and - we're both at the point of our lives where we can get a cup of coffee together-"

"Yeah." Eiri interrupts him . "Sure, lets meet again."


	3. The Mute Swan

Thank you all you readers out there. I apologize about the grammatical errors throughout the writing so far. I hope the story is still somewhat comprehensible to you. Grammar has always been a problem of mine especially when I write fast! I will go back and correct the grammar of the other chapters whenever I can, I promise.

* * *

Its surprising how long a cup of coffee can last.

But Shuichi is surprised at the tone of this coffee outing in general. He was almost dreading this meeting until Eiri arrived.

Amazingly, Eiri seems to be in a good mood. In fact Eiri looks better than when Shuichi last saw him. More relaxed in a loose white shirt that's even more unbuttoned than usual, with no jacket, and fitted black pants.

Eiri even takes the initiative conversationally. He talks to Shuichi for a long time. He talks about promoting the book, his recent travels , even his kids.

Eiri discusses Hatori. "He's going through that teenage rebellion stage in his life."

"Well, that's normal." Shuichi comments. "Its pretty tough being 15."

"It is, but he's doing very well at it." Eiri stops as if he's thinking about something else. Then the writer continues. "Hatori just made captain of the soccer team though. He's … popular too. "

"That's great!" Shuichi beams. "You must be really proud."

Eiri looks downwards and clears his throat. "Yeah I am."

"How about your daughter?"

"Our relationship is good- although Yukiko is at that precious age where she thinks she knows everything. "

"If she's your daughter, she probably does."

"Yeah. She's very bright that one- but I don't want her to grow up too fast." Eiri lights a cigarette as they are sitting outside. "But enough about me. How about Daizai? Did he like the book?"

"He really loved it." Shuichi stops. He thinks of the passionate night they spent after Daizai received it, and tries not to grin or blush. "Once again thank you for signing it."

"Once again, it was nothing." Eiri says intently. He takes a drag. "So. How long have you been with him?"

"Three years. They've just flown by." Shuichi sighs happily. "Daizai's an fantastic person! I just couldn't do without him."

Eiri's eyebrow lifts a little. "What does he do?"

"Daizai's a photographer."

" A photographer?" Eiri murmurs. "You must get a lot of free headshots."

"Yeah," Shuichi grins. "Its just an added perk. Not so much anymore. Daizai used to do a lot of fashion photography work in the past, but he's more of a artistic photographer now."

"Is he." Eiri takes a long sip of coffee. "Good for him."

"Yes! He's very talented. In fact he's having an show at Blue Gallery on the 12nd!" Shuichi says excitedly. "You should drop in, if you have the chance."

"I would." Eiri flicks his ash into the ashtray. " but I'm not one for gallery exhibitions."

"Yeah.… " Shuichi's smile dampens a little. "I guess its not for everyone."

Later Shuichi pays the bill.

Eiri says goodbye, but he does not mention seeing him again.

* * *

It's a rainy day. No point in going out. Daizai is out doing last minute things for the show and won't be home till late.

Shuichi can't think of anything else to do, so he makes himself a cup of tea. Then he takes one of Eiri's book off their own personal shelf. This must be one of Daizai's favorites.

The cover of the book is a soft robin blue and the white script of the words are elongated and beautiful. The title of the book is: _The Mute Swan. _

Shuichi lies back on the sofa . He finishes his tea then reads the book he's chosen.

_The Mute Swan _is told from the perspective of a mute 18 year old girl Chitose who was born into a dysfunctional, divided and selfish family who live in a suburb outside a up and coming city. Chitose's muteness seems to be a cognitive problem rather than a deficit of her actual vocal chords. When Chitose tries to speak, it comes out as gibberish instead of words, although it makes sense in her own mind.

While Chitose is mute, she still can hear. Her parents entrust her to tutors, nannies, therapists and doctors to improve her condition, but to no avail. She is then taught to sign, but the rest of the family never really bothers to learn sign language properly so she is for the most part, isolated from them.

Due to her muteness the rest of the family assume Chitose is stupid and or is not paying attention, but in fact she is exquisitely sensitive and attuned to everything around her. While the rest of the family ignores or mistreats Chitose (sometimes calling her names like "ugly", "stupid" "mute idiot" or using her selfishly as an a confessor, knowing she can't say anything) Chitose absorbs everything and writes it in her diary.

Chitose writes about her mother and father's hatred of each other and why. They eloped under desperate circumstances - her mother got pregnant accidentally. Their families (the father's family in particular) disapproved of their marriage as it was not the person they would have chose. Chitose's father, desperately wanting to be a filial son, sacrifices the rest of his family to do so. He is unwilling and unable to defend them or himself against the cruelty of their manipulative and controlling grandparents who forever punish him and them for his one act of disobedience. Chitose also writes of her father's constant and brazen infidelity towards their mother, and his general resentment towards all of them. Chitose's father believes his wife and children to be all disappointments to him and interferences with his relationship with his own parents.

At the same time, Chitose's mother does not leave her father for fiscal reasons, and having accepted a victim's role, allows the grandparents and their father to brazenly mistreat her and her children in her presence, while lamenting about how much she suffers for her children's sake. Her mother also despises her father and his family, even spitefully wishing for their deaths and doing passive aggressive things like stealing and creating new credit cards under his name, spending exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and jewelry for herself , even hiding and switching around her father's medication in secret. In spite of all this, her mother and father pretend they are all a happy family in public, which makes their private loathing of each other even deeper and perverse.

Chitose then writes about the alliances and double crossing around the house between her two elder brothers and parents, and how they fight against and use each other. Her brothers are fraternal twins Korin and Kuri. Both brothers try and play their parents against each other for their own benefit, while both parents selfishly try and bring each child to themselves by viciously bad mouthing, and even lying about the other one. Both twins are inevitably forced to pick a side. Korin a favors his mother. Kuri favors his father. However since both parents are in their way are so narcissistic, cruel and weak , its like picking (as Chitose nicknames them) between "Father Scylla" and "Mother Charybdis". Neither parent treats the twins well, but because of the divisive dynamic of the household, the twins are rivals and are constantly angry and resentful towards each other.

Also, because of her parent's neglect and the cold professional indifference of her handlers, Chitose while very strong in her observation skills, is hopelessly inept in basic skills. For example Chitose gets lost very easily and she still doesn't know how to properly tie her shoes laces (instead she stuffs them into the side of her shoe, too embarrassed to ask anyone how to tie them or to ask her parents to buy her a different kind of shoe). Furthermore, Chitose is so accustomed to neglect, she is painfully awkward and shy around people. Even so much so, that at her special school for people with similar problems, Chitose doesn't feel comfortable enough there to make friends or even ask for directions or things she needs. However for being so shy and afraid of people , it does nothing to prevent her from suffering from terrible loneliness.

Chitose then writes about how Korin and Kuri have been affected by their exposure to her parent's very turbulent and unhappy marriage in their own professional and love lives. They are both different but both very damaged. Kuri accepts his father's mentality and mirrors it. He is bullying towards everyone else, but cowardly and desperate to prove his unattainable approval of their own father. In doing so, he buries himself in work and achievement until the point of sickness, exhaustion and misery. Korin accepts his mother's victim-hood mentality, and feels forever unworthy and misunderstood, and continually allows himself to fail and is forced to come back hat in hand for money which makes his self-esteem even lower. He mirrors his mother in that he starts to steal credit cards as well, and spend it on frivolous status items (like clothes, expensive quickly obsolete gadgets and extravagant gifts for his girlfriend) so he can never get ahead. Both twin brothers are both afraid of love and having no example, are incapable of understanding what a healthy relationship is. They are both attracted to women who are incapable of love. Kuri's girlfriend Isoko is a stylish but shallow pathological liar. Korin's girlfriend Tsuki while also outwardly attractive is emotionally abusive and sexually unfaithful- she knows this because Chitose sees Tsuki likes to take advantage of Korin's low self esteem and is cheating on Korin with Kuri, (who once again mirrors his father in his infidelity and betrayal of his family members. )

Chitose does not attempt to communicate that she knows of this affair, terrified at what might happen to her brothers, and possibly herself as Tsuki later , seeing her odd behavior, takes her aside in a bruising grip and calls her "a babbling ghoul' and 'a mistake of nature'. Tsuki threatens her, saying that she will silence Chitose forever if she ever dares to even try to make people suspect about her and Kuri.

Chitose herself is in love with a medical student Daisetsu, the son of one their family friend and one of Kuri's best childhood friends growing up. Daisetsu is appeals to Chitose because despite his handsome features, taller height and broader shoulders, he is without bluster or arrogance and looks down upon no one. Rather he is noble, soft spoken, calmly serious and has beautiful manners. _Daisetsu doesn't smile enough for my liking_, Chitose writes admiringly, of him _but when he does smile on occasion, it's beautiful. Its the most lovely thing in the world, made even more lovely for all its rarity. But I wish I could make a less of a rarity. I would do anything, even die just to have Daisetsu smile always. _Daisetsu is one of the few people that has ever shown real kindness to her - but (she thinks) only out of pity for her muteness and because she is so childish even at 18.

Occasionally it seems like the medical student may be in love with her too. She often catches Daisetsu looking at her tenderly and protectively. While he doesn't know sign language, he attempts to learn some and tries to talk to her when he can. Daisetsu brings her adorable sweets (candies in the shapes of rabbits, and flowers and other cute things) when he comes to the house for family occasions. Daisetsu once takes Chitose, arm in arm through a tour of his family's garden when her family goes over to their house for dinner. During which, he sees that her shoelaces are untied so he immediately, without comment, kneels down and ties them for her. Chitose is so happy and embarrassed about this that she almost weeps, as she is happy that Daisetsu cares so much about her to humble himself in such a way, but terribly embarrassed because the gesture means that (unlike other people who don't bother to notice ) he knows she can't tie her own shoes. Noticing this, Daisetsu gently consoles her and patiently teaches her how to tie her laces herself. At the dinner table, Daisetsu (while gracing her with his beautiful smile) teaches her once how to make a origami crane when they are seated next to each other. It is these few moments she says "that make her feel alive, not like a ghost."

Chitose then desperately contrives to improve herself to become the woman she thinks Daisetsu would want and deserve. She strives to no longer be "a mute and ugly duckling". Chitose tries to dress herself up like an grownup woman, even attempting to put on her mother's clothes and make up, but ends up just feeling unsightly and awkward. Chitose tries to learn to cook, and sew and play music and other forms of etiquette, amongst other feminine things, but just finds it frustrating, difficult and confusing.

At one point, Chitose tries to familiarize herself around people and lessen her social anxiety by practicing spending time in crowded places, but she just finds it unnerving and overwhelming. It is made even worse when during one of these excursions when she is at a train stop, a stranger grabs Chitose by the arm, and tries to lead her somewhere with the intent to kill, kidnap or assault her. Chitose is so frightened she does not know what to do and just barely manages to get away because she starts sobbing and struggling in panic and by chance it causes some people to stare and inquire about it . The man sees that its too much trouble, so he pushes her away and runs. She is pushed so forcefully, she nearly falls on the electrified tracks . Having just narrowly avoided death, Chitose is absolutely terrified of crowds and people afterwards and doesn't dare go out.

Mostly though, Chitose tries her very hardest to teach herself to speak out loud. She dreams that one day she might be able to talk to Daisetsu and have long conversations with him. She desperately wants to tell Daisetsu with her own voice that she loves him or at least say his name, but of course it is impossible and she can't. She cries and hates her own incapacitations bitterly.

Unfortunately, as Kuri is more staunched in his disagreeable ways and manner, he and Daisetsu grow apart. Chitose sees him less and less around their family and because of that, pines for him more and more. Then to her devastation, Chitose hears that Daisetsu has fallen in love with another girl - not only that but with the girl with whom he was always arranged to be married to all along! Hoping against hope, Chitose still clings onto the notion that it might only be a rumor, that there might be a chance for her and Daisetsu to be together as nothing is final yet.

Alas, all hope is lost when Chitose receives concrete proof in a form of their wedding invitation in the mail to their family. Even worse, as if to only accentuate her pain, Daisetsu sends a box of adorable sweets just for her along with it.

After that , Chitose cannot take it anymore- without the possibility of love, she is unable to free herself from the oppressive burden of the family's pain and secrets inside her heart. But at least, she says, Chitose knows that Daisetsu will be happy with his new bride and that the best thing she can do is remove herself from the happy couple's sight, so Daisetsu can finally smile always.

On the last pages, Chitose says she will finally be like a swan after all, in that a swan only sings once and then dies. Being that she is mute, this diary itself is her first and final song.

At the epilogue, there was a news report. that a girl's body was found on the electrified train tracks as an "a apparent suicide" . Her body was found along with some sort of diary nearby. However, the diary was discovered to have nothing but scrawls and gibberish written in it and was promptly discarded as refuse.

* * *

After he's done. Shuichi sits and holds _The Mute Swan _in his lap. Then he puts his head in his hands and tries to understand what he's just read, and what it means.

Outside, its still raining.

What does it mean about Eiri? Does that mean the man he recently had coffee with? Or the man he lived with for two years ?

Are they still the same person?

But did he ever know who Eiri was in the first place?

He can't answer those questions. Maybe he never will be able to.

Shuichi carefully puts the book back on his shelf. Then he takes a shower.

As the hot water batters him, Shuichi lets himself think.

_The Mute Swan _was painful to read as well. But his gut- response was not as visceral as _The Singular Castaway _and _The Bitterness of Absence_. In fact _The Bitterness of Absence _was so grueling to him, Shuichi couldn't even take it home. He abandoned it, leaving it at the coffee shop table for some lucky Eiri Yuki fan to come across.

Perhaps Shuichi reflects, he is just emotionally exhausted. Perhaps he is becoming desensitized to the effects of Eiri's writing, or rather, more accustomed to it. Or could it be seeing Eiri, the author himself gives him some degree of comfort? Or maybe feeling numbed after reading the books is the worse reaction and he doesn't know it yet?

For a few minute, he thinks nothing. Shuichi leans against the tile and stares ahead. The hot water feels good as if to combat some inner chill he's facing.

Then he allows himself to consider: what was the difference this time around? When Shuichi read this time, he could almost hear Eiri's deep inflections and soft intonations as if he were speaking right into his ear . He could almost smell the scent of Eiri's cologne and ominous smelling cigarettes waft from the pages. Like Eiri's cigarettes, he thinks. The older man's words dissipate like rhythmical swirls of smoke inside him, but leave its painful traces like cigarette tar. That Shuichi thinks, if he smoked. It would be as detrimental for him, and maybe just as pleasing. The more Shuichi thinks about it, the more uncomfortable he feels. He feels like he's sinking down into a dark and suffocating and disturbingly beautiful place.

That place is Eiri's mind. Shuichi realizes. When Shuichi reads Eiri's books, it's the other man's thoughts that he is reading.

My God. Shuichi thinks unnerved. What must Yuki be thinking when he comes up with these twisted , painful, and disturbed stories? What would it be like to honestly think and feel that way about life and relationships? To wake up every morning and have all that inside you? What must it be like to be Eiri Yuki?

Shuichi turns off the water and dries himself. He reminds himself again that he is with his sweet, lovely ,relatively straightforward boyfriend Daizai.

These questions, troubling as they are, are no longer the sphere of his concern.

* * *

Daizai's exhibition is jammed packed, a circus of press and well wishes, strangers and friends and the somebodies and nobodies of all areas of society. Champagne, wine, exquisite looking but not especially tasty appetizers float around everywhere among the ebb and flow of the crowd. Its so jam packed at certain points you can barely see the blown up photos on the walls, let alone walk around to see them.

Daizai has been meeting and greeting the comers and goers for about two hours now. He looks good, vibrant, confident- that cocky (but not necessarily genuine) grin well-stuck on his face, his hair carefully wild, tattoos on display.

Shuichi lurks in the background as "the supportive but non-attention stealing boyfriend" which is difficult considering that he's a famous pop singer. He says hello to the friends and colleagues that came to support him and catches up. Even Ryuichi and Kumagoro makes a brief and sparkly appearance but they has to leave quickly as they (or Kumagoro rather) have many more appearances that night. Many group photos are taken. Most of the night is spent smiling and assuming artfully "spontaneous" poses.

During this pandemonium, Shuichi thinks how badly he misses Hiro, just how much he loves that guy, and how happy he is that Hiro got the life he wanted. Given that he and Ayaka just had their baby it's understandable why they couldn't make to the show , but it that doesn't help with Shuichi missing him so much. Also Shuichi can't wait to meet their beautiful new daughter which he's seen pictures of through emails and texts, (who they still haven't decided a name about. Speaking of which, he should get a list of names for them!) He's already Uncle Shuichi to Hiro's son Hokusau. He thinks he and Daizai will go and visit the couple as soon as they're settled.

Still caught up in his reverie, he is taken in complete shock when Daizai lunges through the crowd and grabs him by the wrist. Dumbly, he allows himself to be pulled the back of the gallery. Camera flashes follow them.

"Pssst! Shu!" Daizai pushes Shuichi to the bathroom and slams the door behind them. "I got to take you in here for a second!"

"What ?!" Shuichi stammers. " Daizai! I know you're really excited, but this isn't the time or place to do that-"

"No! Sheesh." Daizai rolls his eyes. He's flushed with champagne and excitement, and his black eye liner (that he wears for special occasions) is a little smeared. "I didn't take you in here to do that you pervert. I wanted to tell you - some crazy fool just bought my biggest piece!"

The huge expensive one?"

"Hell yeah!"

" Oh my God! That's wonderful!" Shuichi cries. "Congratulations!"

The photographer and the pop star embrace in the bathroom.

Shuichi glances at the toilet besides them while still mid-embrace. "This a weird place to tell me such good news."

"I know but I wanted this to be a private celebratory moment. Just us- and its jammed with people everywhere else- and this was the only sanctuary I could think of. "

"Some sanctuary." Shuichi sniffs. "Who bought the piece? You should have pointed them out to me!"

"I would, but I don't even know!" Daizai exclaims.

'You don't know?" Shuichi laughs.

"The gallery says the client wishes to remain anonymous. Its all very hush-hush, top secret and weird, but I'm just so damn happy it sold I don't even care… " Daizai squints a little blearily. "Waittttt a minute… it wasn't you, was it?"

"Ofcourse not -" Shuichi shakes his head fervently. "You told me you didn't want me to buy your works - the one time I did, you got mad!"

"I don't want you to- I mean it wouldn't be right. I'm not going to make my own boyfriend buy my work because he feels like he has to support me. Any work you want, I'll just give to you! " Daizai urges. " But please if you did, just tell me. You didn't have anyone else buy it as a favor to you , did you?"

"No! You told me not to do that either and I listened! For Heaven's sake, this is all your own achievements, from your own talent!" Shuichi shakes him by the shoulders. "Don't doubt yourself like that ok?"

Daizai shakes his head baffled. " I don't know… I mean- I just thought for sure that no one would buy it. It's a huge installation! Its not exactly something you just can put in your living room…'

Shuichi smiles reassuringly. "But why shouldn't someone buy it? Big or not, your work is incredible."

"This show has been incredible. With that piece sold, I don't even have to sell another one. I made more than what I expected to make! And just having it sell at my opening, with all this press?! I think it might be my big break. Are you having a good time? I am- I'm having time of my damn life -" Daizai hiccups . "I could float off the earth right now and smack my face on the moon and not even notice."

"Yeah maybe you could. How much champagne have you had?"

"Not that mushh-"

"Heh I'm so happy too but slow down on the drinks though. And fix your eyes- they're smudged" Shuichi licks his finger and moves it towards Daizai's cheek.

"Ah shit. Hey don't lick your finger to clean it off for me- argh!" Daizai flies back. "Yuck! You're so nasty sometimes."

" But you like it when I'm nasty don't you " Shuichi grins cheekily. " You don't mind me licking you other places."

"I don't mind that and I know what places, so that's why I don't want it near the eyes. Or those kind of eyes." Daizai then guffaws with laughter and slaps his own forehead. " Okay. Sorry. This is getting too raunchy. This cannot go on lover. I have a eager public to serve."

"I know, I know. Go back out there, this is your night - meet the cool artsy people and do your thing alright?" Shuichi encourages him. "We'll have our own private celebration at home later."

"I think I know how. " Daizai winks. "I've just bought a new flavored lube I've been wanting to try."

"Now who's the nasty pervert." Shuichi smirks.

"Who isn't is the better question!" Daizai kisses him on the cheek. "Seeya on the other side Shu." Daizai winks over his shoulder as he leaves the bathroom.

Shuichi's smile gradually disappears when the door closes.

He stands there still for a moment thinking.

Then he sneaks out through the back entrance.

Ofcourse, Eiri is out there alone in the alley behind the gallery. Smoking, with his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Eiri." Shuichi calls to him.

The writer doesn't even look up. "Yeah."

"I thought you said you were not one for gallery exhibitions."

Eiri says. "But yet here I am."

"Why I didn't see you inside?"

"It was pretty crowded in there. I just took a quick glance."

"Why don't you come back in again? Pop in and say hi to some friends of mine-"

"No. It fine- I have somewhere else I got to be, and you know how I am about braving crowds." Eiri exhales a big smoky cloud.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure. Its a good show though. Your boyfriend is talented. "

"Well. Thank you. It means a lot to us. "

"I just showed up."

"No. I mean …the … uh…other thing."

"What other thing." Eiri stares.

"You know what." Shuichi swallows and stares back. "Please Yuki. Don't make me have to say it."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Congratulate Daizai for me." Eiri lets his cigarette fall to the ground and puts it out with the toe of his shoe." Both of you have a good night."

He walks off before Shuichi can say anything.

"Yeah we will. " Shuichi whispers.

* * *

In the morning, Shuichi finds his list the clerk gave him . They were in the pair of jeans he was wearing that day.

He takes a pen and ticks off the three books he's read so far.


	4. Velvet Bold

Thank you Mia Rain for your kind and thoughtful reviews. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and give me your charming and insightful feedback- so I'll respond to it here. Firstly, thank you for taking a chance on a story with an unusual premise. I tend to imagine Shuichi and Eiri together forever too (because they are meant for each other!), but I always wondered what might happen to them if they did ever go their separate ways. This story just sort of started from that question. Secondly, I am very touched and flattered that you had an emotional response to Eiri's stories, and that you thought they were real stories besides! I'm sorry they made you sad though… No, they are not real stories I am afraid, I invented these mini works for the purposes of this fan fiction and based off my interpretation of who Eiri is, and what Eiri's writing might be like. I have always been curious about Eiri's books, and I always thought that knowing about them in some detail would say so much about Eiri's heart- so I wanted to make Eiri's writing the "heart' of this story too. That's why each chapter is named after one of his novels! And once again, thank you so very much again for your exceedingly kind and complimentary words. I have written some stories and little novels in the past but I'm no means a writer… I only do it for fun and to hopefully to give a few people out there enjoyment.  
Thirdly hahaha! This review made me laugh. Yes… you may be very right. But you will have to read and see! I hope the next few chapters do not disappoint you and I will do my best to post good work as promptly as possible. Your reviews are only an further motivator, as I am very happy and encouraged to know that I have wonderful readers like you who are following my story so far.

* * *

"I'm really sorry we missed it" Hiro apologizes. " We wished we could have made it for Daizai's show. From I hear, it sounded like the event of the year."

Shuichi says wistfully into the phone. "It was wonderful but we would have had a better time with you there. It just wasn't the same without you guys, and without little Hoku…"

"We miss you here as well. Hokusau keeps asking where his Uncle Sushi is." Hiro chuckles. (Hokusau being only two, can't pronounce Shuichi so calls Shuichi "Sushi" instead) "But if you don't mind me asking…how did the show go for Daizai? Did he make any sales?"

"Daizai had an great time." Shuichi reports. "And he did make one big sale. He sold his largest and most expensive piece, so he's made Blue Gallery some overall profit. But as of yet… no other confirmed sales."

"Still! Congratulations! That's a real achievement! I mean he's sold the most important piece so the pressure is off!" Hiro pauses. " Frankly though, I'm a little surprised that Daizai didn't sell more at the opening. His photos are great."

"I know! I'm really surprised too Hiro! Considering how many people showed up- he should have sold them all! The place was completely jammed, you couldn't even walk around at certain points. And there was so much press... " Shuichi's voice falters. "I really hope that those people didn't just come because-"

Shuichi doesn't want to finish that thought but it is too late , he has already finished thinking it : for the majority of the audience and the press who attended the show, the art was completely incidental. They only came to see a pop-star and his famous friends, or to be part of a hip "happening" They couldn't have care less about Daizai's photos or even Daizai himself, excepting for the fact that he was Shuichi Shindo's boyfriend. Probably some of people there weren't even aware that Daizai's photos were on the wall or that they were in a art gallery.

Hiro is quiet too. He doesn't need Shuichi to finish that sentence because he already understands his friend's line of thought.

"Daizai is really talented." Hiro then says.

"Yeah he is." Shuichi clears his throat." but it takes more than just talent to succeed in the arts, right? So much it depends on connections and Daizai doesn't want me to use my connections to help him- but that's just the way the art business operates! Daizai just doesn't want to believe it though. He feels as if he has to prove something to himself…"

"But that what you love about him right?" Hiro says gently.

"Yeah I do. I love Daizai's integrity and commitment to his work, because deep down, he's a true artist who takes his work very seriously. He wants people to see his artistic statements, not just who he knows or hangs out with."

"Unfortunately." Hiro sighs. "You kind of have to get famous first before you even have the chance to have your artistic statements looked at these days."

" Yeah, sadly. Daizai is a good guy too, so he doesn't want me to feel like I'm being taken advantage of by him, or that he's with me just to benefit his career. I know that Daizai loves me for who I am, not because of the things I can do for him… but because I love Daizai so much, I want to do things for him! I want to help him out as much as I can. Most of all, I don't want Daizai to fail, or get hurt ….and its really scary to watch him try and tough it out on his own." Shuichi puts a hand over his eyes. "We're waiting for the reviews of the exhibition to come out and I'm just praying they're good. He'll be so upset if they aren't."

"You can't take responsibility for all that Shuichi. " Hiro says sympathetically. "Daizai chose this career, and what also comes along with it. He has to make these decisions by and for himself. All you can do is be supportive of him. "

" I know but still…-" Shuichi's hopes rise in his chest, as he asks. "Wait. Did you by chance buy that really big photo Hiro?"

"No… " Hiro pauses. "I'm sorry to say I didn't. We've been so busy with the new baby here…"

"Yeah I know." Shuichi says deflated. "I just wanted to ask."

"Are you alright over there Shuichi? You sound stressed ."

"I do? How can you tell?"

"You're asking me how?" Hiro scoffs. "I've been your best friend since middle school that's how! But what is it? Is there something else the matter?"

Shuichi blurts. "I saw Yuki again."

A beat of silence.

"Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while." Hiro says dumbly.

"Yeah, its a name I didn't think I'd ever say much again. I ran into Yuki in the street one day when he was buying cigarettes. He was even buying the same brand he always buys," Shuichi says weakly. "He called me a damned brat when he saw me."

" And then what happened?" Hiro says concernedly. " Was Eiri mean to you? If he was, do you need me to look him up later and talk to him when I'm back in town? Because I will!"

"No. Not at all. Yuki was actually really nice. It was good to see him even. " Shuichi struggles to relay the entire course of recent events in a succinct fashion. "What happened was is I recently found out that Daizai liked his novels so I asked Yuki to sign a copy for him and he was nice enough to do that… Then I thought it'd might be nice to catch up with Yuki and just be friendly…"

"Just be friendly?"

"Of course Hiro! What are you suggesting?! I'm with Daizai- and I'm not that kind of person!"

"Hey, I'm not suggesting that you have designs on Eiri! What I'm saying is that you could have sorts of feelings about seeing him again, not necessarily romantic or even positive ones at all…like being shocked, mad or sad, or conflicted, or just curious, you know? I'm saying that when these kinds of unexpected things happen, it can be really confusing to know exactly how to take it or know what to feel."

"Yeah. I totally get that." Shuichi agrees. "Well. I felt kind of that way… whatever you just said, so I called him up and we met up for coffee again and chatted briefly ."

"And how was that?"

"I don't know. It was hardly anything. It was okay. He was nice again, but… distant sort of? Then … weirdly enough, Yuki showed up to Daizai's show, even after he told me he wouldn't. When I saw him, he was just hanging out in the backstreet alley, and he wouldn't come inside the gallery to say hello to anybody. Isn't that strange? "

"Well, if it was that crowded, maybe he didn't want to go in." Hiro muses. "Or if the press was there, maybe he was worried about causing a scene, given you and his history together ."

"Ohhhhhh. That makes sense." Shuichi's eyes widen as that realization dawns on him "Ofcourse! I didn't even think of that!"

"You didn't?" Hiro deadpans. "Well that's why you got me I guess. To help you think things out occasionally."

"And thank goodness. Psstt. Hiro can I tell you something." Shuichi's voice lowers into a conspiratorial whisper.

"You're going tell me anyways Shuichi, so just tell me."

"Ok. Don't tell anybody this …. But… I think Yuki may have secretly bought Daizai's piece. The biggest and most expensive one I just told you about. "

"Wow."

"I know! But when I asked him about it , Yuki said he didn't know what I was talking about!"

"Did you really ask Eiri flat out if he bought it?"

"Not technically. I just thanked Yuki and I said "for you know what.".

"You thanked him. For you know what." Hiro says exasperated.

"Yeah! I thought that was pretty clear."

"Yeah. That is really clear Shuichi. " Hiro says sarcastically then emits a long exasperated sigh. "Alright. Is there anything else to make this any more complex than it already is?"

"Oh yeah, I've recently started to read some of Yuki's books as well. By the way , you're the only person who knows that too ."

Silence.

"Hiro?"

"Sorry." Hiro coughs. "I just can't believe that you're reading books. That's the most astounding thing I've heard so far."

"Haha. Very funny!"

" Well. It's just a lot to take in. So, how's it been? Reading Eiri Yuki's books I mean."

"Really tough."

"Yeah, I do hear Eiri Yuki uses a lot of fancy words."

"No, not in that way! But the fancy words are pretty annoying too. I mean the stories, the plots and the characters themselves, they're so messed up, and warped and sad…every time I read one, it makes me want to cry … or it makes me feel...awful. "

Hiro says calmly. "Sad stories are kind of Eiri's trademark Shuichi."

"So I've heard. " Shuichi groans. "But its one thing to hear about it, and another thing to experience it ! Like you said, its all been stressing me out. I just don't know what to do."

"Maybe you need to step back from the situation and regroup . Just put the sad messed up books down. Don't worry about Yuki's weird behavior or about Daizai's sales and career. Focus on something you can actually manage. Do something for yourself for a change. Either that or just buckle down and talk to him about it."

"Talk to who?" Shuichi says confusedly. "Daizai or Yuki?"

"Both of them. Talk to them about what you just talked about with me. " Hiro instructs. "When you're ready."

Shuichi thinks for a second.

"You're right. As usual. makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry to trouble you with my stupid problems. " Shuichi says sheepishly.

"Of course I'm right as usual." Hiro says affectionately. "And your problems aren't stupid. And even if they were, your stupid problems would still be my stupid problems man."

" Thanks buddy." Shuichi says sincerely. "I do love you, even though you can be a know-it-all."

"I love you too pal, even though you can be a know-nothing-at all. " Hiro laughs softly. " Hey, and call me anytime to vent or whatever. That's what friends are for right?"

Even though nothing has been resolved really, Shuichi does feel much better. Talking to Hiro always makes him feel better.

"Yeah. But enough of my drama! How's Ayaka and the baby?"

"Ayaka is doing really excellent." He can hear Hiro beaming from across the line. "As for the little one, we have a few names picked out for her-"

* * *

Shuichi tries to do as Hiro told him.

He tries to do something for himself, something he can manage. He goes the exercise machine room in his apartment and half-heartedly works out for about half an hour. He listens to some music. He replies to some pending emails. Then he books a hair dressing appointment for tomorrow. After that, he watches a part of a movie while playing with their listlessly fat cats.

Then he finds himself leaving the apartment, uncertain where is heading.

He brings the reading list with him.

* * *

Shuichi can't believe that he's here again.

"Welcome back sir!" The book store clerk greets him with a quick bow and the same pink lipped smile of professional enthusiasm . "It is very good to see you again! Did you change your mind about the ordering the rest of Eiri Yuki's books? We can get them very quickly and directly from the publishers."

"Yes hello." Shuichi says reticently. "No… I'm just here …to take a look again."

"Yes sir." The clerk's smile is unwavering. "Thank you for coming in again. We appreciate your repeat business. But if you do happen to change your mind about the order, please do not hesitate to call!"

"Thank you." Shuichi does have to admire the clerk's unrelenting saleswoman-ship. He takes a glance down at his list. The other day he had even marked off the books in Daizai's collection so he doesn't accidentally buy a repeat copy of anything.

Shuichi then looks up, and wonders vaguely what is wrong with him.

The clerk then points him out to the appropriate book selection. "Right this way sir. Mr. Yuki's books have been expecting you!"

Shuichi grimaces. He wishes she hadn't said that. It feels far too accurate.

They make their way over to Eiri's allotted shelf. Is it just him or does the selection look bigger?

"Did you enjoy _The Bitterness of Absence _?" The clerk then inquires as Shuichi fingers through the books himself.

"Um." Shuichi winces . Enjoy was not quite the right word. Nevertheless he does not regret reading it. "I did enjoy it. Thank you for your recommendation but perhaps…I want something of Eiri Yuki's that's … a little different this time."

"Different." The clerk stops to think. She points a finger skywards as the thought occurs to her. "I have just the thing sir."

The clerk deftly plucks out a book from its place and hands it over to him.

Shuichi looks down at it. The book is colored ox-blood red, and even has small matching red ribbon attached for a bookmark . The title on the cover is printed in black raised swanky letters embossed in a satiny finish.

The book's title is _Velvet Bold_.

* * *

On the back of the book's jacket , a critic exclaims : _"Eiri Yuki's most scandalous and erotic novel yet. Velvet Bold is a tour de force and proof why Eiri Yuki is one of the top of his field!"_

Some publication with a snobby title says "_A riveting and witty psychosexual drama that will delight new readers and Eiri Yuki's loyal fans alike!" _

Some other person says that Shuichi doesn't know about, but apparently his opinion matters a lot: "_Like the characters themselves, this book is sublime and utterly ridiculous. Shocking, sensual, audacious, tragic -but superbly entertaining and pleasurable!"_

For some reason, all the reviews end with exclamation points. This worries Shuichi a little.

The clerk had informed him at the counter that this particular novel was one of Eiri's biggest successes about 8 years back. So much so , that according to gossip papers, there was a talk of making a film or an animated series out of it (until Eiri allegedly and very irritably said no).

With this in mind , Shuichi makes himself comfortable in his bed and reads _Velvet Bold_.

* * *

_Velvet Bold _is about an extremely successful maestro and composer with the delicious stage name "Benedict Bold" . Benedict Bold is delectable as his stage name. The man is charming, wealthy, elegant, exquisitely handsome, talented, the epitome of debonair .He is notorious for his affairs with many glamorous women and for casually breaking their hearts. Benedict is often seen gracing the social pages, and on the cover of men's magazines, and even has been featured in advertisements for liquor, shaving products, cologne and cigarettes.

Benedict's trademark is wear a sophisticated perfectly tailored wardrobe based in velvet. He wears velvet brocaded tuxedos, velvet suits, velvet waistcoats, velvet ties and bow ties, pants and shirts with velvet details, velvet handkerchiefs, velvet slippers, velvet gloves in winter (although he wears usually silk scarves and socks). Benedict even has a velvet covered cane, briefcase, and cigarette case . This has earned him the nickname "Velvet Bold", not only in reference to his dapper sartorial choices, but also to his sensual mellifluous voice and smooth confident manner. (He even has that nickname printed on his license plate of his sports car. )

Strangely though, Benedict's beginnings were left much to be desired. Benedict grew up in a extremely repressive and austere Japanese Catholic household ( which he's now estranged from ) which explains his name Benedict as it was his confirmation name. It also explains Benedict's bizarre obsession with velvet , as Benedict always loved to touch and play with the velvet that adorned different parts of his church as a child. In fact it was only aspect of church he ever liked.

Benedict's conflicted upbringing also left an indelible impression upon his psyche. A supposedly unapologetic libertine, Benedict privately does feel regret and shame over his decadent antics. He eroticizes that deep private discomfort and shame he feels, and secretly entertains masochistic sexual fantasies that he very much wants to actualize but doesn't feel safe to do so, given his suave and masterful image. That, and despite his forays with many conventionally "beautiful" women, those women aren't really what excite him, thus he feels the need to constantly seduce more women and then discard them in hopes of finding the one who will truly ignite his passion.

Benedict then has to hold auditions one day for a new cellist in the philharmonic orchestra he conducts. One of the cellists who comes into audition makes his jaws "near chatter" and his heart "dissolve in his chest". This cellist is a woman whose physically the exact type Benedict has always secretly fantasized about . The cellist's name is Arisa Ai.

Arisa Ai is very unique looking and many people believe her "ugly" for that reason. Arisa is very tall, (even taller than Benedict ), with has an extremely voluptuous , strong and robust figure. Not only that, she has peculiar features such as long reddish wavy hair, full pouting lips that only emphasize a big gap that she has between her front teeth, and mismatched colored eyes (one is dark brown, the other is greenish gold). In her audition performance, she plays cello with great passion, focus and grace and leaves Benedict spellbound. He hires Arisa immediately, not even bothering to look at the other musicians auditioning.

Benedict finds out although the cellist Arisa has a physically arresting presence and great charisma when she performs, she is very timid, self-conscious and inexperienced around men. Due to her unusual appearance and to her intimidating musical gifts, men have avoided Arisa her whole life, or have belittled her for those reason. Arisa also believes herself unattractive and because of that, she has made her music the sole love and purpose of her life.

Grasping this, Benedict then values Arisa's dedication to her music and her distinct look even more, knowing that other people do not value it. As Benedict has always considered himself a connoisseur who rebuffs the sway of the idiotic crowd, it gives Benedict a heightened sense of satisfaction to know this woman's beauty and talent suits his own secret acquired tastes. Benedict starts to thinks of Arisa as his own walking dream, a human siren tailored-made for him. He even deems her in his private thoughts "my Venus with a Cello".

Benedict proceeds to romance and seduce Arisa- (but he lets no one know about it, as to be seen with such a woman would not be congruent with his image). This time he is intent to have his submissive yearnings fulfilled. Arisa's attraction to him is also instant and intense . They commence a clandestine relationship.

Then there ensues page after page of graphic after more graphic (albeit poetically written) sex scenes, as Benedict patiently schools Arisa in love making, and little by little teaches her to indulge his masochistic fantasies.

At first he starts to sexually worship Arisa (even calling her his Venus), once pouring wine over her breasts and between her legs and lapping it up in the most intimate way possible. Then he teaches her how to safely to tie him up and choke him as they make love- with blood red velvet scarves of all things, amongst other activities. At first Arisa feels guilty and afraid of hurting Benedict, but Benedict gently assures her of his own pleasure and of hers. Gradually Benedict encourages her to beat him (significantly with his velvet cane and maestro wand) and humiliate him as he worships her. Arisa performs all these behaviors tentatively at first, until they become fluent in each other's needs and she no longer needs his tutelage.

Their sexual life blossoms and becomes strange, glorious and cathartic for both of them. They are in awe of each other and blissful in their seamless and mutual gratifying sexual chemistry. For Benedict, their physical relationship gives him the freedom to lose control, and be emotionally vulnerable and authentic in his otherwise slick , ordered and artificial life. For Arisa, she has the chance to reclaim a sense of her own power and body, and she rejoices in the fact that she has authority over and the absolute trust of a proud beautiful man that she desires completely. In fact Arisa compares Benedict to an instrument that becomes one with her- like her cello, the medium, means and end of which her passions, thoughts, and desires are brought into being. Benedict tells Arisa she is a living treatise of what he believes beauty should be, and then expounds enthusiastically on his ideas of beauty (Something he has never discussed honestly with anyone before). Benedict confesses to Arisa that he believes the enjoyment of beauty is ultimate masochistic pleasure not in that it causes pain, but in that it overwhelms and renders its participants powerless with its potency, truth and power. True beauty, Benedict says, does not coddle or console. No, it should blind, it should shatter! It should explode the very limits of a person's being! It should sear, alter, scar even, gracing one with violence and ecstasy that is true selflessness, like a _jouissance_ of a supreme masterpiece! Benedict tells Arisa that she is beautiful because her beauty pains him, but in the same way that looking into inextinguishable fire might pain someone who has only thrived in the lie of constant darkness. The pain is actually is a vision of truth itself.

They whisper this intimately to each other in the dark, as they share a cigarette in bed. When the cigarette is done, Benedict passionately kisses Arisa and guides her hand to put out the cigarette on his chest, right over his heart to symbolize their perfect union.

More invigorated and inspired than ever because of his steamy and intense affair with Arisa, Benedict writes several scores in quick succession that are his biggest successes yet. They are lauded as a creative breakthrough and Benedict's performances of them are critically acclaimed as the best of his career.

Given this flurry and outpouring of public attention and acclaim, Benedict feels obliged to maintain his signature public image by seducing and dominating other women as per his customary way. It becomes more tiresome and meaningless as ever. He realizes the only time he feels real pleasure, relaxation and freedom is with Arisa. From there, Arisa and Benedict relationship gradually evolves from gratifying and unusual sex into a more and more personal involvement. There transpires an interesting juxtaposition between their extreme sexual dynamics and their affectionate and tender interactions otherwise. In some comical scenes, Benedict and Arisa even start to talk like a doting couple during their outlandish sexual activities- once as Benedict complains of the stress of work, Arisa-while soothing and consoling him in speech, has tied him up , blind folded him, and is dripping hot wax on his chest.

Later the maestro and the cellist start meeting just to talk or spend time together. They then sneak away for a romantic and idyllic weekend in a mountain hot springs. There in the mountains, their relationship reaches its fruition. Benedict tells Arisa his real name : Benito "Benedict" Bessho. Benedict never remembers feeling so happy, but he also realizes how much that his own happiness and the perfection in his and Arisa's relationship is predicated on secrecy . He has longed for all his life to have a oasis where he can truly be himself. Their relationship is that oasis and Benedict decides he must keep it private and protected from the outside world at all costs.

Meanwhile , there is a another woman Shika- a recently jilted ex-lover of Benedict's past, who hovers in the background and seems to suspect of his relationship with Arisa. Shika could be possibly stalking them. Paranoid about this and that other people might start to suspect him in general, Benedict starts seeing another woman for appearance's sake, Hatsumi a wealthy and chic socialite who is on the board of the orchestra committee. At the same time, Benedict is still seeing Arisa.

Benedict starts juggling all three women- Shika the possible stalker, Hatsumi who he is with for appearances, and Arisa who he really cares about. The stress of trying to manage this situation takes its toll on him. Benedict's work starts to suffer for it. His audiences and backers notice he is "not like acting himself" and are confused and disappointed, especially after his most recent fabulous successes.

Arisa notices this and selflessly tries to distance herself from Benedict. Arisa begins to avoid him more and more and as she is more outgoing and confident (due to Benedict's relationship with her), she starts secretly seeing another man she meets at a bar with the name of Rios Sen.

Rios Sen (he demands he be called by his first and last name at all times) is a Half Japanese half Western ex-boxer from Singapore who involved in various business practices throughout the world. Japan is just one of his many mysterious and diverse interests (he supposedly even partially owns some tin mines in Indonesia, and involved with commodity trading in many parts of the world) but he comes back and forth quite often because he enjoys visiting Japan so much.

Rios Sen is the anti-thesis to Benedict. Rios Sen is even taller than the cellist. He is large and imposing and has the rugged ruined cocky "good looks" of a boxer. While successful, cunning and aggressive, Rios Sen lacks any finesse or sense of culture. Rios Sen is constantly swearing and saying other vulgar things in his dark coarse brash voice, swaggers around like a bull in a china shop, putting his feet up on other people's tables, or sitting with his legs uncomfortably wide apart. He is however somehow charismatic in his crude brutal way. Rios Sen also tends to be more on sadistic side of the scale sexually.

Then the book delves into more graphic sexual scenes, this time taking place between Rios Sen and Arisa: Rios Sen likes to overwhelm Arisa with his stature, and demonstrate his strength and stamina during sex by putting her in athletic sexual positions,( once holding her up like a wheelbarrow). Rios Sen also likes to spring sexual surprises on her, including once sliding a hand up her skirt during their dinner at a fine restaurant together and digitally pleasuring her with one hand, while leeringly feeding her with his fork with the other. (She climaxes during their main course.) Rios Sen also likes call her demeaning names, pull her hair, even occasionally smacking her , squeezing her throat, shaking her, and spitting on her while they make love (which she finds herself uneasily and bewilderedly enjoying).

When Arisa asks why Rios Sen enjoys this, Rios Sen proudly explains he enjoys taking control of a classy 'Amazon' of a woman like her- of 'taking her down a peg' and mastering someone who can handle his size, power and aggression. He boastfully compares good sex to a good boxing match, how the match isn't good unless the opponent can meet him, or better, be a challenge. Arisa is confused, conflicted about and overwhelmed by her new lover. For while Rios Sen is short-fused and rough (but satisfying) sexually, Rios Sen many good qualities as well. Rios Sen is straightforward, fiercely loyal and cares for Arisa a great deal. Refreshingly, the ex-boxer also doesn't care what anyone thinks of them being seen together and leaps to protect and defend her when he perceives anyone diminishing her . Rios Sen even physically intimidates a man who tries to harass her on the street. Arisa realizes she does, in a way, care for Rios Sen too.

Later Rios Sen pressures and plies her with the idea of her leaving Japan to live with him in his luxurious house in Singapore, and becoming his serious and well-kept girlfriend. Sick of the lonely traveler's life, he wants to take her traveling around the world with him. Arisa refuses, saying she'd must be free to play her music, Rios Sen is so determined to have her agree, he starts to prepare a prestigious position in the Singaporean Orchestra for her with his contacts. Seeing that there is no real future with Benedict, tired of being his secret and sharing him with other women besides and still having the opportunity to play her beloved music, Arisa finally gives into Rios Sen's pressuring and says yes. She resigns her position in her current orchestra and prepares to leave. Satisfied with her answer, Rios Sen goes back to Singapore to wait for her.

Benedict having been distracted by a host of other issues such as managing his career, his cover relationship with Hatsumi, and dealing with Shika the potential stalker, finds out about Arisa's resignation. Benedict then learns of about Arisa's other man and her intentions for the future and he is devastated, yet he can do nothing openly without exposing himself. He calls her, and begs Arisa to see him again, claiming he needs to talk to her, or rather, talk her out of her plans.

Arisa reluctantly agrees to see Benedict for one last time. However the only time available for Arisa to meet him is the night of Benedict's last performance of the orchestral season. Benedict promises her he will come as soon as he is able. His plan is to leave immediately after the show and meet her in a hotel room nearby that he reserved for both of them.

Unfortunately, all does not go as planned. Benedict is caught up and forced to go into an post- performance party by Hatsumi and their entourage, and finds out to his frustration, that he is even obliged to make a speech that he's totally unprepared for. But as per his style (and now looking forward to seeing Arisa), Benedict does well with it. He improvises an rather amusing, irreverent, and clever speech which half politely and wittily insults everyone around him, and half seduces and excessively flatters them as well. The audience is delighted, laughing and clapping throughout, thinking Benedict, while having acting a little strange lately, is back to his usual charming marvelously urbane old self. When he done, Benedict toasts to the three things to that he says he lives for, "the beauty of the other sex, to the transcendence of music, and a well-cut suit".

When Benedict finally extricates himself and arrives at the hotel very much later than he said he would, he sees to his horror that the hotel has caught fire.

Benedict watches in a panic as he sees people run out or being rescued but not his Arisa. In terror, he flees the scene. When he gathers his wits enough, Benedict frantically tries to call Arisa but to no response. That night (while no longer religious) nevertheless Benedict falls onto his knees and prays fervently that cellist grew impatient and left earlier and is not picking up his calls because she is angry with him .

The next day, he finds out that his prayers have been for naught. Benedict discovers that Arisa perished in the fire. She had been waiting for him in their hotel room when it happened, but because she had fallen asleep waiting, she died of smoke inhalation before she could make an escape.

When Benedict finds this out, he cannot even grieve publicly as their relationship was secret. Furthermore Benedict cannot let anyone know that he was unwittingly responsible for Arisa's untimely death. Regardless, the maestro feels shattered , as though God Himself has personally punished him for his sins.

Meanwhile back in Singapore, Rios Sen learns the bad news and is heartbroken and mystified - why was Arisa at that hotel at all? Rios Sen comes back to Japan to find out about the mysterious circumstances of Arisa's death and to attend her funeral.

Too horrified and tormented with guilt and revulsion over what he's done, Benedict himself does not attend Arisa' s funeral, and he hates himself even more for his cowardice. Benedict later tries to secretly visit Arisa's grave, he learns she has no true grave. Arisa recently changed her will to have her ashes simply scattered- significantly at the mountain hot spring where they spent their romantic weekend. Meanwhile, Hatsumi, the socialite who Benedict is still "seeing" presses them to get engaged. Benedict agrees, too listless and depressed to refuse her.

When Shika, (who has actually been stalking Benedict and Arisa all along) finds out of the news of Benedict's engagement to Hatsumi, she decides to take her revenge.

Shika approaches Rios Sen who is still trying to uncover the mystery of Arisa's death. Shika informs him that the cellist was going to meet Benedict the night she died . Shika even has evidence- she has photos of Arisa and Benedict together and then a photo of Benedict at the scene of the fire. (It is also intimated in the book that Shika was the one who set the hotel fire but its never stated explicitly).Shika tells him where he can find Benedict as well.

Hearing this, Rios Sen is enraged and goes to find Benedict.

When Rios Sen finally does find Benedict, he is at a high-end bar called "The Looking Glass" , whose claim to fame is that everything in it is made of mirrors, including the floor, the walls, and the tables. Benedict is with his new fiancée Hatsumi and some of their friends living it up, "celebrating" his new engagement. (Actually Benedict is near hysterical from grief, but is forcing himself to act idiotically happy by getting near black out drunk.)

Rios Sen is so outraged at the scene, he grabs Benedict and brutally beats him up, even smashing his face repeatedly through the mirrored table their parties' drinks are being served on.

It is reported in the press as a bar fight for "unknown reasons."

The scandalous aspect of the love triangle never comes out, but it doesn't matter. Benedict is beaten by the ex-boxer so severely, he loses some of his vision in his eyes, he loses most of his hearing and his good looks are completely destroyed by the force of the blows and by the broken mirrored glass of the table he was pummeled through.

Benedict can later recall, in a ghastly dreamlike way, seeing his own attack from every angle in every mirror of the bar during Rios Sen's vicious beating. Benedict can recall seeing the image of himself being battered infinitely repeated over and over on the surface of the ceiling, the floor, the table itself and being able to witness (to his own horror) his once beautiful face coming to meet him again and again as it was smashed through the table, seeing how each time how it was being more crushed, bloodied and destroyed beyond recognition . Benedict says he could not tell the difference between the reflected blood and his actual blood, the exploded brokenness of himself, or the shards of glass lying around him.

As a consequence of Benedict's now compromised vision, near deafness and his now ruined looks, Benedict loses everything. He loses his potential fiancée, his career in music, his fame, and with it all the women that used to flock to him. Once one of the most desirable and beautiful men in high society, Benedict is reduced to wear a surgeon's mask in public to prevent the staring and ogling at his damaged features and horrific scars.

However, due to his feelings of guilt, Benedict doesn't bother to press charges against Rios Sen . When Benedict does finally see Rios Sen again (with Shika no less, as Shika and Rios Sen have just started dating each other) , Benedict simply bows respectfully to him, and apologizes to him over the loss of the cellist, then leaves.

Then doomed to obscurity and failure, Benedict dies in an very ignoble un-suave way not long after. During a solitary bender in a disgusting dive hotel, Benedict blacks out, falls down and hits his head on the floor. He is both naked and unconscious when he asphyxiates on his own vomit .

Not only that, his body is left there in his room for days undiscovered by anyone- and it is only finally found out about because they needed to inquire about his bill.

It is discovered that shortly before his death, Benedict readjusted his will. Benedict requested that his ashes be scattered at the same mountain that his dear cellist's is scattered. He writes he would like a plaque set there that says: _To Velvet Bold and his Venus with a Cello. Together finally, and at Last_

Not knowing what that means, Benedict's family disregards his wishes and bury him in their family plot.

* * *

Shuichi sits up and literally tosses the book aside. One of his hand grips the headboard to keep himself upright, but he ends up falling back anyway. He thumps the back of his head against the headboard and he slide down it to lie on the bed, slumped and motionless, his eyes sore, red and watery. For how long he does not know.

Then he hesitantly looks down at his lap.

Throughout the book, (mortifying as it is to admit), Shuichi couldn't help but get aroused by reading some of the sexual scenes. It had gotten to certain point that the heat and friction of his jeans against his groin had become deliciously uncomfortable and grown into a teasingly slow ache like a piece of taffy being slowly pulled throughout his body. But yet Shuichi continued reading on despite this, needing to know what happened to the characters next.

Abstractly he knows that that was not the right thing to do.

Although the appalling and tragic ending of the book had sent shivers down his spine ( even left him nauesated , especially when reading about gruesome death of Benedict) and thoroughly quashed out even any suggestive thought in Shuichi, he could still see just the slightest, hardly perceptible stain on the crotch of his jeans from before.

Just as a reminder of the aftereffects of desire.

* * *

Daizai returns from doing several magazine interviews later in the day to promote his exhibition. After Daizai grabs them both a beer, they sit together on the sofa and Shuichi watches Daizai tell animatedly him how it all went.

It is difficult for Shuichi to pay attention to what he's actually saying, but he is relieved to see that at least Daizai is smiling and looks happy as he's talking. That means it went well. In that the case, the details aren't that important.

Mid-way through his spiel, Daizai suddenly turns his head and sees the new addition on the bookshelf, but _Velvet Bold _does stand out from the others. Being red and all.

"Hey, is that a new Eiri Yuki book?"

Shuichi utters. "Yes it is."

"Oooo." Daizai grins. "Is it a present for me for working so hard today?"

"Kind of…"Shuichi recalls that stain of his jeans and fights the urge to cringe or hide away. He changed his pants earlier, but he still feels confused, guilty and ashamed. Then again, he feels confused, guilty and ashamed for a lot of things. Should he tell Daizai he met Eiri for coffee again? Or that Eiri came to his show, and maybe bought his piece? How can Shuichi bring it up? Is it even important to? Maybe, he thinks, he has to do one thing at a time.

Shuichi slowly admits. "I … I actually bought that book and read it myself this afternoon. I wanted to see what you like so much about Yuki's books. So I've been … reading a few others too. Or trying to anyways. "

Daizai studies him a moment then smiles.

"So what do you think? Aren't they good?"

"Yes, they are but they're very…" Shuichi chokes. He can't continue.

"Sad right? That's the point, They're supposed to be! They're good for a cry." Daizai laughs.

Shuichi does not laugh with him. "But is that just what they're good for? "

"Huh?"

"I mean is that's all they're worth?!" Shuichi snaps and shudders. "Just to read and then cry afterwards? To shed a few crocodile tears, and then forget it and move on to the next one?"

Daizai looks stunned. " Hey, I didn't mean it like that, all dismissive-like. I honestly like the guy's books. What I meant that's Eiri Yuki's style. He doesn't write happy stories."

"Not one of them ? Ever?" Shuichi realizes his voice is small.

"Not really. At least the ones I've read, no." Daizai looks at him concernedly. "Hey…Shuichi are you alright? You look a little upset."

"No. I'm fine… I just want to ask you though… since you've read more of them than I have…can you tell me, what do Yuki's stories mean?" Shuichi pleads. He shifts in closer to his boyfriend. " I want to understand… Why do people like them so much?"

"Well." Daizai tilts his head. "There are a lot of different meanings to the guy's stories and people read his work for all different kind of reasons."

"Like what?"

"Some of his readers would say the stories' meaning is to entertain or to pass the time. To a bookseller or publisher, their meaning would to make money… likewise.." Daizai looks aside. " Some people read them because they find Eiri Yuki good looking. Some people read his books because their friends read them, and there are some people just like to read things that make them have a big sob afterwards…"

"Why you do read them Daizai?" Shuichi croaks.

Daizai sighs and puts his hands behind his head. He directs his gaze towards the ceiling and stretches his legs before him. This is deceptively relaxing looking pose he makes when he is thinking hard about something. But Daizai is funny that way, in that sometimes he tries to conceal his feelings by behaving in the complete opposite manner. Like how he grins cockily when he's actually very nervous.

"Think about it." Daizai murmurs. "Why are Eiri Yuki's stories sad at all? They shouldn't be. They're only stories aren't they? Just made up people doing made up stuff. Only words on a page."

"But they aren't!" Shuichi interjects.

"Exactly. They aren't." Daizai nods sagely. "That's why I read them all these years, because even though the stories and the characters are all make believe… the feelings that permeate throughout his work aren't_."_

Daizai continues thoughtfully. "That's why you care about the characters in the books, because they aren't just paper cut outs that have random bad shit happen to them, although a lot of bad shit does happen to them. Although the characters may not be real themselves, the feelings and motivations they have are real. The dilemmas they face and the situations they get themselves into and their experiences are real too. They're real because we know it from our own experiences right? We all have been there, one way or another. Like…. we all know what its like to love someone and suffer for it, or not loved back or lose them altogether, or never get them in the first place. We all know what it's like to be forced to be somebody we're not sometimes, or be frustrated, or be obsessed, or conflicted with our sense of morality or our own sexuality, or hateful or be ashamed, or scared and alienated, or be filled with self-doubt. So in a weird way, I think … Eiri Yuki's books aren't … sad at all. They're actually strangely comforting and life-affirming, because they express things that we can't usually can't ever admit to other people, or even to ourselves a lot… so its like …he takes the burden upon himself to do it for you, you know? It's as if when you read them- well, I don't know the guy- but it feels like he's put a hand on your shoulder and is telling you "Yeah. I get it. I understand. You understand too, and that's why you're reading this._" _That's what Eiri Yuki's books mean to me. Or his better books anyways. I also happen to think the guy is a good writer too." Daizai grimaces. "Does uh… that answer your questions?"

"It does." Shuichi's breath is caught up inside him. He feels like he might faint. He manages to get up somehow. "I …need to take a walk or something. Just to clear my head…"

"Ok." Daizai blinks. "Do you want me to come with?"

"No, its fine. I need some… alone time."

"But you've been alone all day." Daizai looks a little miffed.

"Yeah… but I was reading … " Shuichi mumbles. "and I think it took something out of me."

"I'm not surprised about that. I didn't think you had it in you to begin with. I mean after all these years of avoiding his books- and all books in general- suddenly you're mister bookworm?" Daizai smirks. "I never thought I'd see the day. I guess I started you down a reader's path huh?"

"Heh. Yeah. Not really." Shuichi says, still subdued. He thinks: Hiro was right. "I think I need to take a break from reading for a while."

"Thats okay. I get it. I'm an artist, that's the way we are. We need some "ourselves" time occasionally... Or a lot." Daizai lays down on thesofa, a forearm over his eyes. "Go take your walk Shu. Just make sure back in time for dinner. Try not to be late. I'm cooking something new tonight."

"Thanks." Shuichi gets his coat and keys and phone.

As he opens the door to go , he looks behind and says "I love you Daizai."

"I love you too Shuichi." Daizai laughs from his prone position on the sofa. "Now get the hell out of here. I want some me time too."


	5. Chained Butterflies

Before the chapter... Just a thank you to my reviewers...

I will thank you my dear MiaRain, not because I need to but because it would give me a lot of joy to do so ! Thank you so much for reading my story and so kindly reviewing it again. Its for brilliant and fabulous readers like you that makes me want to keep sharing my writing! Moreover, I am just grateful if anyone at all takes the time to read my work, but I particularly am appreciative of your wonderful enthusiasm. That and I'm so glad I got you hooked! I am certainly hooked on your lovely reviews. Hehehe. I do understand what you mean about not wanting to be made sad… though this story must sadly have its sad parts, hang tight, (like Eiri's books), this is ultimately a love story. Kakashi-sensei reading Eiri's books almost sounds like a really funny crossover fiction to me! You saying that made me laugh (of course) I also enjoyed hearing about your impression of Eiri's books from your experience of Gravitation too. The canon doesn't mention Eiri's books in detail, which I think is deliberate. Not knowing the details about his books makes it more fun (for us fans) to imagine what they are about and what kind of writer Eiri is. I especially enjoy that one is never quite sure if Eiri is really a' legitimate serious artistic author' (being that he's nominated for a literary prize), or merely a "trendy celebrity romance author' who is mostly adored by female fans for being handsome. Sometimes I think even Eiri doesn't know himself! Once again I am really touched and charmed by your feedback. I just want to give you an positive reading experience of some kind and do the best I can do while still updating in a timely fashion! And thank you for your kind suggestion, I will seriously think about writing these stories into books- but I'm not sure if anyone but you would read it! Even so, that would be enough for me ! hahah! I find Eiri's mindset so rich, complex and interesting, and I love writing from that vantage point. I so hope you enjoy this next chapter because it is Eiri-centric, and that it will be worthy of your continued praise and attention…

Zelda-san you are a true darling, Thank you for telling me how much you are enjoying the story! I just love your review and I am especially flattered and appreciative that you are reading my story even though its not in your native language. I wish I could write in Spanish for you, alas I have my limitations. You must be very smart, multi-lingual as you are! So you have my admiration and my commendations and my congratulations to you, you wonderful person.J I am glad I'm not the only one who was curious about Yuki's books! I'm also so glad I could satisfy that curiosity for you in some way and I can only hope I can continue to do that! And no, thank you for reading it. Knowing that you are enjoying it has made me very happy. I also appreciate your honesty about Daizai! hehehe. So don't worry- the story will focus more and more on Yuki and Shuichi and their relationship as the story progresses! As for possibly translating my work… wow! I am honored you are even considering it! Unbelievable! Amazing. It'd be a dream come true - and I can't wait to hear more from you..

* * *

"To be honest, I don't think _Chained Butterflies _is as cohesive or coherent as your previous work. " His editor says.

"I see." Eiri nods. Then he asks her. "Would you like something to drink."

"Yes" She says. " A coffee please if its not too much trouble."

Eiri goes to his kitchen to make him and his editor coffee.

Eiri's editor has come over to discuss his latest work in progress _Chained Butterflies_ at Eiri's new but still unfinished bachelor's apartment. Incomplete as his surroundings are, it is still an vast improvement from the hotels Eiri was living out of during his divorce. This place is so new in fact that he is still not finished unpacking most his things (but there's not much to unpack) or decorating , (but he doesn't have much with which to decorate).

Well except for that one thing.

The writer returns to find his editor staring, clearly a bit disconcerted , by the new enormous photograph adorning his wall.

To say it is "adorning" is a bit of an understatement , because the photograph actually takes up the entirety of Eiri's living room wall, up to his ceiling. (The only way the photo got in through his front door was that it came in detachable panels. He had to have someone from the gallery install the piece for him) Ironically, the photo is that of a wall itself, a dilapidated cracked concrete wall with weeds and broken refuse at the button of it , (a jarring contrast to the photo's surroundings that is the clean austerity of Eiri's place) The photo is skillfully shot in black and white, and in the composition a man's dark lean solitary life-sized shadow is cast upon the crumbling wall's surface, though the man, the owner of the shadow himself, is not visible.

"That is quite a photo Eiri." The editor comments.

" Yes, it's a recent acquisition." Eiri puts their coffees down on the table.

"What the piece called? " The editor takes the steaming cup into her hands. "And who's the photographer?

"The title of the piece is called Love's Shadow." Eiri informs her. "As for the name of the photographer, it escapes me right now."

"Well congratulations." The editor murmurs dryly. " But from where did you acquire it? Art galleries are not really your scene anymore- if they were ever, and I didn't think you were ever much of a collector. "

"No they aren't and I'm not." Eiri says detachedly. "It was a spur of the moment thing."

"Well. I think it adds something." The editor tilts her head. The longer she looks at it, the more she seems to see it. " It's … interesting Eiri. I'm starting to see its appeal. It's rather beautiful… in a desolate way."

They both stare at it.

"Is … the man's shadow in the photo yours?" The editor then asks.

"No." Eiri casts an intense glance over his shoulder. "Why would you think that?"

"I wonder." She says.

Eiri turns his head forward to gaze at the photo again.

In doing so, Eiri realizes that by the way he is standing, his own shadow happens to fall exactly where the shadow of the man in the photo is standing. It is as if the shadow in the photo has become his outline.

"As you were saying." Eiri forces himself to turn around. "About my new work."

"Yes." The editor nods abruptly as she resumes her pert editorial role. "Let us return to the subject at hand. There are quite a few issues with _Chained Butterflies_, but the most obvious one is that of the ending."

"Then start at the beginning." Eiri instructs her as he sits down.

"Alright. First of all, there's a quote from Chang Tzu that precedes the novel." The editor reads it off the manuscript. _"I dreamed I was a butterfly , flitting around in the sky, then I awoke. Now I wonder : Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming I was a man? _" This is inconsistent with your other novels Eiri, as you've always said you've found "quote dropping" pretentious in the past. That and I don't truly understand the quote's relevance. Do you have comments there?"

"No. " Eiri stares ahead, cross-armed. "Move on to the next issue."

"Very well." The editor raises a brow. "Another problem I had was that I found the plot and narration to be very convoluted. Think about it. I'm your editor who reads books for a living-your books mostly- and I found it awfully confusing. Can you imagine what it will be like then for the typical casual reader?"

"No. I can't be bothered." Eiri mutters.

"Well I can." The editor takes a sip of the coffee he made her and continues. "The text has no omniscient narrator. It has no consistent first- person narrator either, and there is hardly any structure that holds the whole thing together. It's scattered. It constantly flicks back and forth between the different points of view of the various characters, without any rhyme or reason to it. Then at some points, the characters' perspective simply disintegrates altogether, or discontinues mid-sentence. In other parts, the voices all mix together and it's impossible to tell who is who. To further add to this perplexity, the language is very dense, tricky and ornate. "

"That was the intention." Eiri states. "The character's identities are meant to be dream-like, and to entwine inseparably like harmonies of a song. The narrative is meant to flutter around, like a butterfly if you will and the ornate prose serves to add to the overall sensibility. "

" I see, but whether it was your intention of not Eiri, I'm not sure it works…you're also known for a more… how shall we say this… transparent style? That and I can't avoid talking about this atrocious ending where the son Monjushiri repeatedly stabs his father to death with the heirloom sword of the father's temple!" The editor exclaims. " What on earth is that about? It seems so random and gratuitous. Not to mention needlessly violent. "

"No its not." Eiri says, slightly exasperated. " Its symbolic."

"Symbolic of what?"

"It symbolizes Monjushiri letting his suffering go." Eiri says, now curt. "To do so, he has to destroy the source completely. He has to destroy his father with what the father represents."

"I don't see that at all." The editor shakes her head.

Eiri lights himself a cigarette. "Then maybe you didn't read it through carefully enough."

"I read it very carefully. Multiple times even." The editor sighs exasperatedly in turn and puts a finger on her temple. "So please , maybe you can explain it to me?"

"Why don't you explain the story to me as you understand it so far, and I'll fill in the blanks. " Eiri murmurs.

The editor knits her brow in effort. " Alright. This book takes place some time in the past, but you don't specify how long ago or when. Perhaps in the 1920s ? Who knows. I know there is a father and his children. The eldest son, then a girl, then the youngest boy. Their mother died of some wasting sickness when they are little, and the father is left alone to raise his children."

"The father dotes upon them and claims to love them more than anything, but however still feels dissatisfied. As a devout Buddhist monk he feels as if he betrayed the purity of his calling somehow by having children. He feels a yearning towards a even more extreme spiritual commitment in order to alleviate this dissatisfaction . So the father finally decides, like Buddha himself- who forsook his family and his princely life, that he is going to abandon his children too and forsake all his earthly possessions and pursue his own private journey for salvation." The editor shakes her head.

" This I don't understand, or more specifically, I don't understand the father character's motivations. Why would the father abandon his children when he claims to love them so much? "

"Why do you think." Eiri inhales his cigarette.

"Perhaps… he was being insincere all along? "

Eiri emits a stream of smoke through the corner of his mouth. "Whether you think the father is insincere or not is up to you."

The editor strokes her chin. "But insincere in what exactly? In his love for his children or in his search for spiritual salvation?"

"Either or. Take your pick. " Eiri flicks away his ash. "Or he's insincere in both and doesn't know it. "

"Once more that is very confusing!" The editor complains. "Meanwhile… you follow the father's spiritual journey and how his children fare afterwards. The perspectives between the father and children keep switching back and forth in a very disconcerting manner… but from what I gleamed , the father monk does manage to help many poor and needy people and live ascetically and seemingly by the sutras. Nevertheless, it does not seem to satisfy the monk's search. Although the father does all these good deeds- even performing exorcisms- and is loved by all those he helps, he does not feel it in his heart, so it's like a pantomime of virtue. This forces him to greater and greater extremes to try and get himself to actually "_feel" _his actions and have them penetrate his soul . During all this, the father laments and pines over his children , but for whatever reason he does not return to them. In fact his pain makes him wander further and further away until he becomes some kind of dirty wild starving beggar subsisting alone in the mountains. He even starts having visions of his deceased wife which he starts thinking as a 'yasha' or a night demon…he gets so terrified that he tries to kill the wife who is already deceased! Then he starts seeing waterfalls of blood and other nightmarish visions like monsters with hooved hands and other horrendous creatures that he thinks are trying to slaughter and eat him - which are frankly unpleasant to read…" The editor recounts with a grimace. "The novel loses its way in those moments, and transforms from a romantic or familial drama to more of a horror story in my opinion!"

"As for children themselves, after their father's disappearance, they endure many hardships of their own. The eldest son tries to carry the responsibilities of his father's temple himself and become a father figure to his two other siblings, but suffers greatly to do so and ends up feeling bitter for never having a chance to be a child or experience happiness himself. The middle daughter in turn seeks out older men romantically to compensate for the father-figure she lacked most of her life. She causes a lot of heartbreak in the process, as she pursues a married man and suffers for that too. But the youngest son Monjushiri - who has always been a little different than the rest of his siblings, goes out into the world and tries to find their missing father. The youngest son spends the entire novel going through all sorts of trial and tribulations to do so . Now… this doesn't compute with me. At the end of the book Monjushiri finally finds his father, and then… he just murders him without an explanation! Why?"

Eiri says. "He didn't owe his father an explanation."

"Then what was that for? Was he getting revenge?"

"No." Eiri shakes his head. "It wasn't for revenge. If anything , it was an act of forgiveness."

The editor gawks. "What? How?"

" Remember. the son wasn't angry at his father before or while he killed him. Or sad or wistful even." Eiri explains.

"Then what was the purpose of the boy's search then? If not to find his father out of love for him, or anger ? "

Seeing his cigarette is finally done, Eiri puts it out in the ashtray.

"The father wasn't the purpose of the boy's search. The father was nothing but an absent illusion. A dream that couldn't be fulfilled. Monjushiri wasn't looking for his father, or any father. He was only trying to sever himself from that desire and seek a resolution on his own terms. As long as his father was still somehow out there of his own volition, there couldn't be such a resolution." Eiri says matter-of-factly .

Eiri continues. " Monjushiri also saw that his father understood his spiritual journey incorrectly. His father sought out solitude and then to help his fellow men in an impersonal way, but his true spiritual journey was meant for him was to be a good father to his children. Seeing that he was not capable of that task and he was tormented with guilt at the wrong path he chosen , which was represented by the visions of his dead wife and the other nightmares… Monjushiri sought out to mercifully end the unreality of his father's life."

"So….'

"To put it very simply: While his brother and sister and father were all chained butterflies, Monjushiri was the butterfly that unchained himself and by killing his father, unchained him and the rest of them as well." Eiri concludes. "The chain was the desires that caused them so much suffering. The chain was their illusions"

"Then what was the illusion?" The editor gapes. "The family itself… the father…or the demons, or the spiritual quest itself?"

Eiri lights himself a new cigarette. "Perhaps all of it."

The editor shakes her head bewilderedly. "That… makes no sense whatsoever Eiri."

"Apart from it not making any sense," Eiri glares. "is there anything you liked about it?"

"Yes actually. Just to give you some positive feedback, I will tell you I thought several lines of the father's viewpoint - strange and disturbing as they are, were quite interesting and powerful. Like …these ones."

The editor picks it up the manuscript and flicks through it. She reads the applicable lines out loud, (that she took the trouble to underline with a red pen) aloud.

"_My children were borne out of love, fear and pain. They were borne from the love of my own image and that of their mother's , from my fear of my many deficiencies and of my own mortality, from the pain of my constant loneliness. Yet when my simple (I thought her simple then) and beautiful (though gone, I still remember her as beautiful) wife bore our children, I could not come to terms with the fact that I was about to be a father, not simply once but three times over like the repeated cycles of existence. "_

"_During my wife's pregnancies, while other fathers might have been joyous and responsive, I was reclusive, mediating darkly and anxiously on my own responsibilities. I prayed that that I could protect my children- my precious butterflies- from harm, but from what harm I could not dare to contemplate… Then I thought: How could I, too cowardly to even consider what evils might befall my beloved children, expect myself to protect my children from those evils? Still I hoped somehow that I could rise up to this task knowing I would certainly not, perhaps in a same way a man on his deathbed might futilely hope for a miraculous recovery. I prayed too that I would not fail my children, although I knew that by my praying for such a thing, I had already failed them."_

"_For children are marvelous beings, and are blessing unto themselves. They are not meant for the use or pleasure or the proof of any human being, even that of their own fathers and mothers. This I know , but it made no difference in my actions ultimately. For love, even parental love, fueled only by the desire to have one's own desires met is fruitless, and love without sacrifice cannot claimed to be not love at all. It is greed ! It is a kind of theft. I wanted, but I was not willing to give. I took but I could not sacrifice. And like a thief, don't I justly deserve to be wretched?_

" _Furthermore, is it not 'unjust' that one subject their children to what they would not have willingly subjected themselves to? I myself (had I the choice) would have rather never been born and enter this world which can only be defined as a veil of tears, a place of suffering! Still , foolishly, blindly, I made that choice for my sons and my daughter that they should exist, so that I might selfishly live! Not finding nirvana or escaping the misery of this world in my spiritual calling, I desperately sought deliverance and escape in another calling- that of fatherhood. Although life itself seemed to me like a cold and bleak desert, I believed my children would serve as my flaming torches so that my soul might wander and not be lost."_

_Foolish man I was (if I can be scarcely called a man at all) … my soul was lost long before they ever came to be, or they even crossed my mind. My poor dear children, beautiful , faultless as they are, could not be my salvation, anymore than I could be their father.(Though I still love my children devoutly, and though my quest and my demons by necessity pulls me away from them, even so…. my children are the gods and end of those dreams… I can only hope that my present suffering somehow satisfies them) _

_For in this life, I now realize we live many so lives- not just that of ourselves but of that of our mothers, fathers, siblings, enemies, tormentors, friends and lovers. But I do believe we live our children's lives most of all for they share in our souls, in names, in blood, in features and beliefs and thus they become the image of peculiar experience in which one's self is recognized in another, and is then imparted. It is one's self reincarnated in one's own lifetime, like that of mirrors that exist outside ourselves yet share in and so painfully duplicate our reality…_

_I see now. Instead of ameliorating my condition, I only re-confirmed my woes and sorrows in each child, that sought each time to show me again my own faults and failures. More accurately, it tripled those very things, yet I had no recourse , no wisdom, or no courage to face it with the dignity and forbearance and tenderness that was due from a holy man. I could even not sustain my very own life, how did I think I could create more of what I could not sustain ? Oh- what I thought might save me, damned me even more! And worse still … perhaps damned my poor innocent children._

_I used to pray that I might not fail my beloved butterflies . Now I can pray. Oh please, please -only that they will forgive me, as I shall not forgive myself."_

The editor then looks at Eiri with something like curiosity. Or judgment. Perhaps even concern.

Eiri looks away. cigarette smoldering between his fingers. Then he puts it out.

The editor puts the manuscript down and clears her throat. "But we can discuss all of that another time. Since you were so late to our last meeting, we didn't have a chance to discuss some other pending things too. "

"I told you why I was late." Eiri's eyes close. "I ran into somebody."

"Yes I know. But since we have some time now, can we talk about what I wanted to discuss with you?"

Eiri surveys her testily. "It doesn't look like I have a choice, do I."

"I'm sorry to say despite all your promotional work," The editor clears her throat " Your recent sales for "_The Singular Castaway _haven't been as successful as we might have hoped."

"Yeah, and how is that my problem."

" Listen." The editor tells him patiently. "This is not just an isolated incident. Your last few books have went over much the same way. On the whole, your readers seem to prefer your older work."

"What you mean to say is?" Eiri sighs.

" What I mean to say is you've been coasting on past credentials for the past few years Eiri."

Eiri is quiet for a moment as if considering this fact. Then he says "That isn't a bad thing."

"No, its not a bad thing but I know you and I know how dedicated you are to your work, and I know that must not be satisfactory to you!" The editor exclaims. " Truthfully, you haven't had a hit since eight years ago, since-"

"Since _Velvet Bold _I know. " Eiri mutters." I've progressed as a writer since then. I can't go back to where I was."

"Then maybe you do something different … something unexpected."

"Like what."

"Besides fixing its other problems, maybe you could give _Chained Butterflies _a more hopeful and positive ending than your other works."

"A more hopeful and positive ending? You mean write some sort of emotional and tearful reconciliation between father and son?" Eiri sneers. "Not a chance."

"Why not?" The editor gapes.

"It'd be trite. Not to mention ridiculous."

"No it wouldn't. In fact, I think it'd be very moving and still in keeping with your style-"

"I don't agree." Eiri looks at his watch and stands up. "I have to go."

"Eiri- what? Where are you going? Why right now? "

"Sorry." He grabs his coat. " I'm already late."

"Eiri! Stop!" The editor calls out to him. "There's more I have to discuss with you! There's-"

He rushes out so hurriedly, he doesn't hear the rest.

* * *

Eiri drives recklessly and dangerously fast. It is just by luck that he's not arrested. He nearly gets in an accident with a taxi, whose driver flashes him an obscene gesture as he races past.

Eiri ignores him and instead, Eiri curses himself. He curses himself under his breath like a mantra , as he thinks: he cannot permit himself be late. So he will not be late.

He isn't late.

Right at the right time, Eiri pulls through the back entrance of his son's school and screeches to a cacophonous halt of burned rubber and skidded asphalt and puttering car exhaust.

Thank God, he thinks, that Hatori is easy to see. Hatori stands out in his red soccer uniform amongst the dull trees and the dank light posts and the tope colored benches around him. Then again, Hatori (just like his daughter) always stands out with a radiance all his own. Hatori is waiting there by himself on the street to be picked up, but not by him.

When Eiri starts to steps out of his black Ferrari, Hatori coughs, fanning his face from the fumes.

He demands. "What the hell are you doing here Dad?"

"That's some way to greet your father Hatori." Eiri turns off his engine.

" You didn't answer the question. Why the hell are you here ?" Hatori snaps.

Eiri takes off his sunglasses. "I'm here to talk to you."

"Well, I don't want to talk to you! " Hatori starts to rush away from him in no general particular direction. "So go away!"

"Where do you think you're going?!" Eiri shouts and chases after him.

"Anywhere as long as its far from you!" Hatori jogs.

"Hatori." Eiri calls out in frustration and jogs after him. "Wait will you!"

Hatori only speeds up to whatever non-direction he is going.

Eiri speeds up too and then knowing if he does not make a move he will lose Hatori (his son is an athlete after all) lunges and reaches for him. He just barely manages to snatch at Hatori's shoulders.

"NO!" Hatori struggles as Eiri pulls him towards himself by his red soccer shirt.

"What are you doing?!" Eiri snarls and clutches his son's shirt, and grabs from behind. "Hatori-"

"Let me go damnit!" Hatori rages. "Don't make me hit you-"

"You'd hit your own father?" Eiri growls. "What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, I'll show you what's wrong with me-" Hatori hisses.

The father and son proceed to have a wordless but noisy and exertive wrestling match. At one point, Eiri is elbowed in the ribs and then the eye and is winded and probably badly bruised, but finally he secures Hatori's shoulders enough to hold him still.

"Just stop it, will you!" Eiri growls. His perspiration is already trickling down the side of his face. "Enough!"

Hatori stops, but says nothing. He only breathes rapidly, his entire body tense and taut, against his father's chest.

It then occurs to Eiri, that this is the closest he has gotten to his son in months.

With this in mind. Eiri swiftly turns his son around to see his face.

When he does, Hatori glare back at him is so intensely furious, Eiri almost lets him go.

But he doesn't have to. Hatori smacks and shoves Eiri's hands off and then takes one giant defiant step back.

Eiri gazes upon his son.

Hatori has his mother's elegant mouth and forehead, but Eiri's own expressive golden eyes , nose and chin. Hatori's hair is darker than his, but not as dark as his mothers, coming down his neck in deep mahogany brown pieces and speck of honey and amber (but only when the sun hits it ). For being only 15, Hatori has grown a lot in a short time, but children grow taller and faster these days. Hatori's voice is maturing too, and is starting to sound much like his own.

For a moment Eiri can't talk. He tries to memorize how his son looks like right now. He doesn't know when he'll see him next.

"I haven't spoken to you for three months." Eiri finally says .

"Yeah. You better get used to that _Dad_," Hatori jerks his chin up at him challengingly and points a finger in his face. "You won't be speaking to me any time soon. If ever!"

"Don't say things like that to me." Eiri starts angrily. "Do you know what it's been like for me? I've been worried-"

"You? Worried? Yeah right! Why shouldn't I say what I want? You can't force me to see you - I don't want to see you, so stop harassing me like this! I can't believe you came to my school again!" Hatori frantically looks from side to side, checking around them. " Thank God soccer practice has ended. People might have seen us together! Do you know how horrible that would have been for me?!"

"What's so horrible about being seen with your father?" Eiri asks sternly.

"Don't play dumb with me! I'm old enough to _know _now_!"_

"Know what Hatori." Eiri asks impatiently.

"I know what you had… " Hatori's voice lowers abruptly as if he's afraid of being overheard. His eyes shift around once again. "With that singer guy years back…and worse, everyone else in the world seems to know about it too- everyone at school , all my friends, even complete strangers on my street know that my father… that he's… "

The boy grits, as if he can't continue.

Eiri stops, and his eyes glances up to the sky above them. Ofcourse Yukiko already knows about Shuichi. Why wouldn't Hatori know about that too?

Eiri knew sooner or later he would have to explain this period of his past to his son. Even so , he's been dreading it. Obviously, his son is not as much the understanding type as his daughter.

"But… I need to hear it from you Dad. So… Is it true?" Hatori says hoarsely. He hugs his arms around himself. "Did you… really have a thing with…that guy?"

Eiri swallows down the lump in his throat.

"Yes its true." Eiri admits plaintively.

In response, Hatori actually recoils from him.

"You what?!" The boy laughs once, hard and sharp, like a jab to the air. "No!"

Silence.

Eiri then says. "I had a relationship with him."

"No. No Dad." Hatori shakes his head back and forth wildly. "No. Tell me, you're joking right?"

Eiri says nothing.

"Right? You're joking?! " Hatori's tone gets higher, near hysterical as his eyes grow enormous. He backs more and more away from Eiri, hands spread in front of him as if he's warding off an attack. "Please?"

Listen." Eiri begins to say , his head bowed. "I know … this must be very confusing and difficult for a fifteen year old to learn about his father. "

Confusing?! Difficult?!-" Hatori whispers. "Oh….no… its…"

"Do you need to sit." Eiri swallows.

Hatori only gawks at him. As the news fully sinks in, Eiri watches his son's face crumple, and his body slowly double over like watching a daught of poison take effect on somebody. Hatori then groans like he might be sick.

"Argh! No! " Hatori covers his face. " No Dad! You didn't! I kept hoping that it wasn't true- Ack! I wished I hadn't asked now! Now I'll never be able to look at you in the eye again! "

"You will. But I understand. At your age, I might have felt the same way and I won't tell you how you should feel at this moment…as this would be shocking news to any child in your circumstances. " Eiri speaks and remembers to breathe, albeit shakily. "But I will say that I can't change what I did in past, and even if I could, I wouldn't change it Hatori. Regardless of those facts, I'm still your father. That and there is no reason at all for you or me to be ashamed, or for other people to try and make _you_ feel bad for my past actions. In actuality, there was nothing wrong or immoral about what I had with that person. As long as two adults agree to love and care for each other in a healthy and consensual way, that should be recognized as a valid choice and respected as such."

Hatori only groans again from his doubled over position. Not only that, he's half hyperventilating.

"That and what I had a very long time ago." Eiri keeps talking because he doesn't know what else to do. "It was before I met your mother. The reason your mother and I didn't tell you about it, was simply because wasn't relevant to you and our lives anymore."

"Mom knew ?!" Hatori looks up and shrieks.

"Yes. Of course she knew." Eiri says quietly. " Like I said, it wasn't relevant to her and my relationship- in our getting together, or in our separation. Furthermore, what happened in my past, doesn't negate what I and your mother had either."

"After hearing this, you and Mom never had anything!" Hatori snarls, and props himself up by a nearby post. "Except some shady messed up marriage apparently!"

"No, we did have something." Eiri asserts firmly. "We had you and your sister. Those were the two best things that ever happened to the both of us."

"Then if that were true, you should have treated Mom better then and not humiliated her like you did, by always being seen with other women and just making her so unhappy ! It wasn't fair! You should have been grateful that you managed to snag someone willing to have your kids in the first place- but once you were lucky enough to get Mom, you treated her like garbage?! How stupid are you?!" Hatori yells. "Are you crazy?!"

"Its not so simple Hatori."

"It looked pretty simple to me! So maybe Mom wasn't perfect, but at least she took care of you and us! I can barely stand her boyfriend Masuji, but I still prefer him a million times more than you! At least, Masuji treats mom well and he isn't-" Hatori cajoles.

"This isn't about Masuji- so please don't try and change the subject." Eiri demands. "This about my relationship with you and your sister."

"What relationship?! Yukiko only still likes you because she's too young to understand! She'll grow out of it when she's older like me, because then she'll come to understand how much wrong you've done us! " Hatori growls. "You not only cheated Mom, you cheated us too Dad! Your whole idea of fatherhood was a joke. You thought spending quality time with us was begrudgingly allowing us to silently sit in the same room with you while you wrote your damn books…"

Hatori turns away, his handsome face horribly twisted.

Eiri stands there and says nothing.

" You know I almost feel sorry for you sometimes. I say almost and then I remember what a jerk you are and I feel sorry for myself ,that I'm saddled with you as my father." Hatori hisses bitterly. "I hate when I see those gullible morons buy those books- I'd have those books burned if I could because all they represent to me is their gain by my loss. You know what else I'd do?! I would kick all those people in the face who claim to admire you so much, because they don't care about you at all. They can't. Because they don't know you- nobody knows you because you want it that way! No, those people don't know the truth . They only know Eiri Yuki , and how smart, cool and interesting you seem on the outside … but that's only because they don't know Eiri Uesigi, and how cold, dysfunctional, and strange you are on the inside. So what if you can string along some words around nicely and you're famous and you have some harebrained women throwing themselves at you? It doesn't mean anything at all because you failed the people who needed you most- Mom and Yukiko and I! Not only that, you're are a fake ! You've acted like you were such a ladies man… when actually you're a …a…"

"A what." Eiri says expressionlessly. "Why don't you say it."

"Do I have to?" Hatori sneers and trembles with revulsion. "Fine I will! You might have this prepared some fancy speech to try and explain it to me, but I can spell it out plain and simple for you! You are a _faggot _Dad."

Eiri is completely still.

"There I said it! Since you're too much of a liar and a wuss to even admit it to yourself! " Hatori throws his hands up. "No wonder you were so miserable with mom and us! So now what?! Are you happy? Are you having the time with your life… banging a bunch of dudes, now that mom has finally dumped you like she should have years ago?"

Eiri shakes his head. "No. I'm not."

"Anyways it doesn't matter. Gay or straight or whatever you are, you were a lousy husband and a even worse father. " Hatori's eyes are blinking rapidly, and his voice is getting thicker and thicker. "You may have wanted the whole wife and kids bit, but you really weren't equipped were you? The truth is your real kids were always your books and your literary fantasies- because they could never disappoint you ! Because they were easier for you to deal with and they didn't expect anything from you! So now that Yukiko and I are gone from your life, you can feel all mushy and sentimental because we're not actually there to bother you anymore. We're not real to you now, we're a fantasy like your precious books so you can love us all you want -from a safe distance, without getting involved! You can pretend that you really do care and that you're a good guy when you're aren't!"

"Believe me, I don't think I'm a good guy at all and I do care." Eiri says grimly. "I care about you and Yukiko with everything I have."

"Everything you have? It's still not enough!" Hatori explodes. Tears begin to pour down his face, down his cheeks into the moving tremor of his mouth. "So you can just keep it Dad! I don't want it anymore."

He tries to wipe his tears away, but more follow. " You can keep your scraps because I don't want to have to take whatever I can get! I rather have nothing then something that only reminds me of what I'll never have! Whatever you got, it doesn't give me the dad I need! It doesn't give me my parents back together! It doesn't give me my childhood back!"

Hatori then falls into his hands, whimpering. "Now look what you've made me do - I'm crying like some weak idiot!"

Eiri tells him softly. "It's fine to cry Hatori- it doesn't make you weak-"

"No its not fine!" Infuriated, ashamed and red-faced, Hatori steps forward and pushes forcefully Eiri in the chest.

Eiri falls and hits his back against his car with a dull thud.

"If that were true… if you really thought that- then why have I never seen you cry once… huh Dad?" Hatori hiccups and sobs angrily at him.

Eiri's face quivers. He feels as if been fatally struck and will bleed out at any to help himself,he tries to step forward, reaching towards his son with an outstretched hand. He wants to wipe Hatori's tears away, touch his shoulder, comfort him, do something- anything-

"No!" Hatori only backs further away from him. "Don't - stay back!"

Eiri stops in place.

For a moment, Eiri does nothing. He lets his hand fall to his side, he closes his eyes and listens to his son cry.

"Yes I know." Eiri manages to say softly. "I'm sorry Hatori. I did try my best. I didn't mean to hurt you like this- and it hurts me more than anything to see that I have. This may not mean anything to you… but I do love you … and I am truly proud of you. I look at your sister and you, the wonderful young man you are, and I think maybe… I must have done something right in my life after all… and even though … all this happened today, I'm just happy that I caught you- and got the chance to see you ."

"Yeah well, if I did turn out good like you say… it was because of _me, _not because of you! I became good despite you." Hatori sobs have quieted slightly, but his shoulders are still shaking. "And you know how I feel?! I can't stand the sight of you! I even hate the fact that we look alike. It's like looking at someone I hate every time I look into the mirror. It makes me tear my face apart. It makes me want to cleave myself in two- and not want to look at myself at all!"

Hearing this, Eiri's eyes clench shut and his face contorts. For a moment, he cannot even see or breathe. His heart literally hurts and he has to clasp at his chest from the inarticulate graceless raw pain of it. No- no- no no- he thinks- and he can think of nothing else.

"Hatori." Eiri manages to utter in a strangled voice. "I-"

"Just stop Dad." Hatori interrupts him, sniveling. " This conversation is stupid… and pointless. I just… want to go home."

"Please Hatori. " Eiri hears himself speak, in an uneven and odd tone. " Do you need anything? Do you need a ride home? I can drive you. You don't even have to talk to me if you don't want."

"No Masuji is picking me up . He'll be here any minute. " Hatori huffs and wipes his face angrily on his forearm. "I'm sure he doesn't want to see you and you don't want to see him. So just get out of here."

Eiri does.

* * *

Actually Eiri drives around and around not knowing where he's going. For a few minutes he's not even aware he's driving. Then he stops in a parking space, and sits in his car by himself.

Then he calls his psychiatrist.

She picks up after five rings. It feels much longer.

"Hello. This is Dr. Remi Oichi speaking. How may I help you ?

"Its me Dr." Eiri knows his voice doesn't sound good.

"Eiri?"

"Yeah." Eiri's fingers of one hand tap at the dashboard frenetically as he tries to smoke a cigarette with the other. Tries is the operative word. His hand quakes.

"Eiri, what is wrong?"

"More like what isn't." Eiri tries to smile but can't. He looks at himself in the rearview mirror. His face is ashen. The eye Hatori hit with his elbow is starting to blacken and swell. He reminds himself to put his sunglasses on later. "I … know its… your off -day but… I'm not in a good place right now."

His doctor's voice is calm, soothing. "What happened Eiri?"

Eiri puts a hand over his face.

"I had .. a meeting with my editor this afternoon about my latest work. It didn't go well. Then … I left the meeting early to go to my son's school to try and see him."

The psychiatrist sighs. " I told you that perhaps that seeking out Hatori unexpectedly was not the best course of action to take..."

"I know, I know but I needed to see him. He's been refusing to talk to me or see me for months and he's my son. His birthday is coming up and…I just couldn't…" Eiri mumbles and rubs a hand over his face over and over. "We argued. It was bad. He told me …"

"Told you what?"

"It doesn't matter what he told me." Eiri shudders. "All I can say is that he was right."

"Where are you right now Eiri."

"I'm in my car by myself."

"Do you feel safe to drive, or to be alone?"

Eiri trembles and takes another shaky drag of his cigarette. He doesn't know himself.

"I think so." The author finally says.

After he had children he promised himself that he would never hit a low point again, like when he visited Kitazawa's apartment in New York years back. Then again, Eiri has made a lot of promises that he hasn't been able to keep them lately.

"I just feel…" Eiri starts, then stops. No, no, no. He can't think that.

"Its okay." His doctor encourages him. "Finish the sentence."

"You know what I want Dr." Eiri admits with a sinking of his shoulders. He's too tired to lie, so he must put it in another way that won't get him into trouble. He thinks of his medicine. He doesn't carry his pills around with him for that reason, as the temptation would sometimes to take them all would be too great. "I just want to feel nothing. I just want to lie down somewhere and go to sleep. I know I shouldn't or I can't. Not here."

"Where are you?"

Eiri looks out the window. He finally finds enough bearings to spot a street sign and to grasp where he is.

"I'm not far from the clinic." Eiri swallows. "What should I do."

"Okay Eiri." The psychiatrist sounds truly worried. "I can come see you in my office as an emergency appointment- but I'm about an hour away. Unfortunately as the clinic is closed nobody is in there to let you in to wait . So do you have a safe place you can go to in the meantime… or a person you trust that you can stay with for the time being until I arrive? If not, you need to call the police right way- or just continue to stay on the line with me-"

Eiri thinks.

"No its alright. " He tells her quietly. "I do. I have a safe place to go to. I'll be fine until then."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. See you in a hour."


	6. Chained Butterflies (Second Draft)

Hello my beloved readers! I'm so sorry for the late update… nearly a whole month later…yikes! Believe me, I wanted to get this chapter up sooner but life and circumstance prevented that. I promise to try and be as prompt as possible in the future. Thank you for waiting, and ofcourse, for reading. I appreciate all your views and your continued patience so I tried to make this chapter extra long and interesting for you all…but because I wrote it fast, I hope it makes sense and I hope you do you enjoy it! Also I'm working on a third installment for my other story Transparency so expect an update on that if anyone's following that one too…

My poor Zeldan-san, oh no! I didn't mean to leave it at a cliff-hanger or make you cry so! I feel like such a awful person now! Haha! I didn't mean to have Hatori torment poor Eiri either- though I know it rather ended up that way. I'm sorry about that, but I'm glad that at least you told me my story is making you happy. Knowing that makes me very happy. Being able to make others happy by my writing is a dream come true for me. Also having multi-lingual readers is a dream come true , because it makes me feel like a chic global writer! haha! As for your feeling about Chained Butterflies… your crazy idea may not be so crazy after all ;). All may be revealed in this next chapter! In turn for being my faithful fan, I shall always be your faithful writer! I find your English very understandable and also impressive. Yes, it has always been a romantic dream of mine to write in Spanish. I used to try and read Lorca as a child (one of the most romantic poets ever in my opinion!). I took a few months of Spanish but sadly as I'm terrible at languages , it never stuck. I wish I knew how to read Spanish better so I could read your stories my dear. Maybe some day I can teach myself so I can. But in the meantime… I hope you love this chapter too and that it makes you happy today.

MiaRain, to be called lovely by you is an honor of the highest kind! I can tell you are lovely as you are kind and perceptive. Yes, I am passionate about writing- its something I absolutely love to do and don't think I will ever stop doing, even if nothing comes of it. But thank you so much for rooting for me, and by doing so, giving me the confidence to consider the possibility of being a 'published author'. Due in part to your encouragement, I am actually starting to try and write one of these ideas into a book (Maybe I will have to write it from Eiri's perspective, and under the pen name Eiri Yuki haha)! I was also moved by the fact that you could empathize with Hatori's plight. As I wrote about "Hatori', I wanted to think more of how a typical teenager might react in a similar circumstance. Yukiko grasps the situation in a far mature and measured way, but I think she would most likely be an exception. I think most teenagers would not know how to handle such a situation, or know how to cope with having an parent as complex and enigmatic as Eiri, or know what to do with the news that their 'straight' parent had a gay relationship in the past! So while Hatori does treat Eiri very harshly and hurtfully, hopefully I made Hatori's character somewhat sympathetic and believable as well. Thank you for including your astute and (once again) moving analysis of Eiri's writing and his and Shuichi predicament also. I think you hit the nail on the head with Eiri needing unconditional love from someone like Shuichi, which is for me one of the most poignant and beautiful facets of their relationship. Please keep telling me what you think of the characters and the story! It always fascinates and inspires me to know what my readers are thinking and how they see the characters and the story playing out! It makes it even more exciting for me to write the work knowing discerning readers like you are invested in what's happening. I hope you enjoy what transpires in this chapter and seeing if your analysis comes true as you envision it… as always darling, happy reading to you, and thank you so much !

Thank you so much Rina for your delightful and insightful feedback- and after such a review, I feel especially motivated to finish the story and write it even to a higher standard to meet your satisfaction! I have felt the same way about Eiri and Shuichi before in the past,( feeling that they belonged together but questioning the inequality of their relationship etc,) This story arose from those concerns. Like you said, I didn't want to do the "typical Eiri and Shuichi break up story" because its been done so many times before and done quite well, so I'm sure so there is nothing I could add to that particular train of thought! So I had to do my own 'take' on their separation as strange as it is, and I'm very pleased you appreciate the fact that , whether be good or bad, I tried to take a chance. And did you really check online to see if Eiri's novels in this story were real?! Woah! How flattering! To tell you the truth, I have only ever written for myself and just to share on the internet for fun as a private hobby … I just now recently started to write one of my ideas into a novel, so you saying that to me means so much. Hopefully I can finish this book and try to get it published! Wish me luck! In the meantime I will continue to update this story as best I can and hopefully give you a enjoyable and exciting reading experience.

Gwinet, thank you for your sweet and succinct review! Hopefully you did have not too long to wait, and due to your encouragement, know that I typed just that teeny bit faster and posted it all the more quicker haha! and yes 333 to you as well and do enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Eiri goes to where he has not been in years.

Nevertheless, the place hasn't changed. The author somehow knew it wouldn't.

It feels comforting. Its feels safe.

Eiri slumps down onto a bench and lights himself another cigarette. His throat hurts from smoking.

Nevertheless he continues to smoke. As he does, Eiri considers the former significance of the place he's sitting.

Eiri is in the park sitting on was the bench where he saw Shuichi sitting for the first time.

The writer wonders whether he actually intends to go to the emergency appointment that he's made with his psychiatrist. The better question: if he doesn't go, what would he do instead?

The question frightens him.

Not being able to come up with any answer, he remains on the bench.

* * *

Shuichi goes for his walk.

The singer wonders what the 'new thing' is that Daizai will make for dinner though he doesn't feel particularly hungry or hungry at all. He does feel relieved however, that he is getting some alone time. He is also relieved that he has finally made a resolution to stop reading Eiri's books for the time being. It makes him feel better immediately.

As he walks, Shuichi thinks about what the person he used to be. Although the singer considers himself to be very much the same person, undoubtedly he has changed over the years. For example, even if he had wanted to, would Shuichi had been able to read Eiri's books when he was nineteen?

Certainly not. He was such a child then.

Thinking back, so was Eiri. Even though Eiri was quite mature in his writing , and his intelligence and outward exterior, Eiri had only been twenty three when they met. That and he was understandably still reeling from the terrible trauma he had suffered during his adolescence.

Looking back, Shuichi thinks, it was incredible Eiri had the strength and wherewithal to be with him as long as he did, considering how emotionally demanding and needy Shuichi was himself and the highly pressured nature of their situation with both of them being in the public eye.

Moreover, Shuichi thinks, it was even more incredible that he, being so immature, naïve and not particularly perceptive (and never having had any relationship before) , had been able to cope with the gravity and complexity of Eiri's issues , and had been able to hold his own against the darkness and pain that Eiri held within him.

More than that, the two of them had mostly been happy together over the course of their relationship. In spite of everything, they had loved each other.

Shuichi stops walking for a moment, and shakes his head as this thought. In hindsight, his time with Eiri seems nothing short of a miracle.

Shuichi then thinks of his current relationship with Daizai, which seems , in its own way , miraculous also. Shuichi is extraordinarily happy with Daizai, happier than he can remember being in a long time. Ofcourse it is not the same way he remembers being with Eiri, but that is to be expected. He is no longer a hyper insecure nineteen year old who is experiencing his first taste of fame along with his first love.

Shuichi then thinks that how could he possibly feel the same way about them both? Eiri and Daizai are nothing alike! Although… there are some subtle similarities between them. Like Eiri, Daizai is very dedicated to his craft. Like Eiri, Daizai did not have an easy childhood and often felt like an outsider in his own family …

Appalled with himself, Shuichi abruptly ends that line of thought. It is ludicrous and unfair to try and compare his former and his present lover. What would that accomplish?

Suddenly, Shuichi realizes he may be comparing the two men because he is afraid.

Seeing Eiri again,( even though what happened between them was years ago) reminds him of how difficult their separation was on him. Shuichi does not want history to repeat itself. He does not want lose Daizai too.

As he discussed with Hiro, as much as Shuichi wants Daizai to pursue his dreams, Shuichi does not want any possible harm or stress to come to his younger boyfriend. Logically Shuichi knows that wish is silly and impossible, and that he cannot possibly protect Daizai from every single thing that might happen to him- but still, that doesn't change what he feels. He knows that Daizai (despite his outward appearance and behavior) is much more vulnerable and sensitive than he lets on.

In another way, that is something Daizai and Eiri had in common too.

That worries him.

Selfishly too, Shuichi admits, he does not want Daizai's new budding career to jeopardize the beautiful relationship they have. The pop star understands things between them will have to change along with Daizai's growth and there will likely be growing pains as well. In some ways, this new creative phase of Daizai's life has already created potential points of tension, but luckily so far,( since Daizai and he have such a strong bond) the two of them have been able to handle it together without too much of a problem.

Perhaps Shuichi now understands why he has been so eager to butt in and help Daizai all this time , not so much because of Daizai's needs but actually because of his own. In his attempts to intervene, Shuichi had been trying to soothe his own anxieties, to feel 'useful' and monitor an somewhat uncontrollable situation.

As for the reading Eiri's books….

Shuichi is still not sure why he decided to do that.

Oddly enough after that thought, Shuichi suddenly remembers the park he used to go to. He thinks of how much time he used to spend there, walking, or sitting around, writing, or simply thinking.

As he walks, the pop star remembers the park fondly, tenderly, with surprise like an old friend he's forgotten and lost touch with.

It's odd, he thinks, that he is reminded of that place now. For obvious reasons, Shuichi hasn't allowed himself to think about it or go to it in years.

Has the park changed? Why not go see?

Shuichi frowns. Given everything and how upset he was before, its probably not the best idea for him to go there. He reminds himself that he did use to frequent that park with Hiro long before he even met Eiri. He misses Hiro. It would be nice to go to a place where the two of them spent time together for a moment.

Furthermore, Shuichi wants to sate his curiosity about an old hang-out which in itself is not that meaningful. He probably won't ever go again. So why not just go back to the park once, just for old time's sake?

Shuichi knows he used to be able to think things through there. Maybe he can again.

* * *

When Shuichi walks by Eiri, both of them see the other as an apparition.

Shuichi freezes mid-step and tears the headphones out of his ears.

"…Yuki?" His jaw drops.

Eiri looks up from behind his sunglasses, a cigarette smoldering in his hand.

In a bizarre reversal, Eiri is sitting where Shuichi saw him for the first time. Eiri is seeing Shuichi walk by, like how he first saw Eiri.

It is definitely the novelist, but still Shuichi gawks dumbly. " Is that you?"

"Shuichi." Eiri answers. He sits slumped forward and his voice sounds almost slurred like the voice of someone who is fatigued or ill. "What are you doing here."

"Nothing… I'm… just taking a walk." Shuichi says stunned.

Eiri drops his cigarette to the ground and treads it out with the toe of his shoe.

"… You take walks here often." Eiri grunts.

"No. Not in a really long time actually. " Shuichi blinks. "Why… are you here Yuki?"

Eiri doesn't answer as if he doesn't know.

"I'm waiting for someone." The author's voice still sounds off.

"Oh… okay." Shuichi murmurs uneasily" Look I don't .. want to bother you … but I wanted to say… it was nice seeing you at Daizai's show. Thanks for showing up. We appreciate the trouble it must have took."

"It wasn't any trouble. I was on my way to somewhere else." Eiri grumbles. His hand tremors as he adjusts his sunglasses up on the bridge of his nose.

Shuichi notices this, and watches uncomfortably, with a strange prickle in the pit of his stomach.

"Still" Shuichi says hesitantly. "We do… appreciate it."

There is a moment of awkward silence.

"So." Eiri breaks it, in a hollow voice. "What have you been up to?"

"Me? Oh... Not much." Shuichi tries to think of an off-hand way to reply to that. "I've just been enjoying my time off… I was so caught up in Daizai's show for a while…I haven't had much time for myself. That's why I'm talking this walk."

Eiri asks. "How did Daizai's show go."

"It went… really well. Daizai got a lot of press and he even sold his largest work _Love's Shadow_." Shuichi reports. "Heh. Its funny though. As happy as I am that photo sold, I'll miss it a little."

"Why is that." Eiri mutters dully.

"Well… that photo kind of had a personal meaning to me because I was with Daizai when he took it." Shuichi sighs wistfully. "I remember it took Daizai forever to take because he had to get the right sunlight and the right angles to get the elongation of the shadow… but once he did, it really came out nicely."

Eiri is silent.

"I see." The writer then says under his breath, as if to himself. 'I must be going now."

Shuichi cocks his head . "I thought you were waiting for someone?"

"I just remembered. They canceled."

"Well okay …but if you ever wanted to get coffee and maybe chat again- in the future, you always can give me a call. " Shuichi offers tentatively.

"While I appreciate it, I'm not free." Eiri says tersely and starts to stand . "I'm going to be busy for a long time."

Just then- a jab of pain to his ribs (from where Hatori elbowed him), makes Eiri wince and jolt forward. To much of his pained surprise, Eiri's sunglasses (as he prefers to wear them loose) flies off his face.

The sunglasses clatter down on the rock and concrete . One of the lenses- the one covering the side of his injured eye, pops out on the ground.

Futilely, Eiri tries to cover his face with his forearm. There's still hope, he thinks. Maybe Shuichi didn't see anything.

When hears Shuichi gasps, Eiri knows its too late.

"Oh my God Yuki!" Shuichi cries. " What…What happened to your eye?!"

The older man inwardly curses himself, his forearm is still over his face. "Nothing."

"Whoa! That doesn't look like nothing to me-"Shuichi steps forward and tries to brush Eiri's forearm away .

"No. Don't." Eiri jerks away.

Shuichi only steps with him to follow his line of sight. "Yuki! Come on… Just let me see!"

This time, too worn out and exhausted to struggle , Eiri lets the younger man gently take his arm and slide it away.

The pop star stands back and surveys Eiri's battered eye.

"Oh geeze… Yuki." Shuichi gapes aghast." That looks really bad and recent… like it must hurt a lot."

Eiri says with an empty expression. "I don't feel it."

"Really though, you should see what it looks like to me …ouch… " Shuichi winces in sympathy. "Wait a second. Don't move. Let me help you get your sunglasses- the lens just popped out, so you can still get them fixed up."

Eiri watches the pop-star bend over and retrieve his broken glasses and the lens from the park floor.

"Here." Shuichi hands the broken glasses back to Eiri.

With a blank expression, Eiri puts them into his pocket.

"Alright." Shuichi reappraises the older man's face and says authoritatively. "What we should do now is that we should go put some ice on that eye to get the swelling down. Maybe we can go grab a compress at a shop-"

"No." Eiri interrupts him hoarsely. "Just ..stop it alright."

Shuichi stops talking in order to look at the older man confusedly.

"Just… do me a favor." Eiri breathes hard, and wavers on his feet as if he might collapse. "Can you just… sit down with me for a minute…"

"Yeah Yuki. I can sit with you." Shuichi says concernedly. "Hey. Are you …okay? You look kind of pale."

Eiri doesn't answer. Instead, he crumples back down onto the bench.

Shuichi seats himself down on the other end.

They sit in silence.

"Aren't you going to say something now?" Eiri stares ahead.

Shuichi asks him hesitantly. "Should I Yuki?"

"Only if you want."

"Then I must ask, since we're both here at this moment." Shuichi looks at him pointedly . "Did you buy Daizai's big photo the night of the opening?"

The author then glares at him through his one good eye. "Don't ask me about that."

"You said I could say what I wanted. So I assumed I could say anything…"

"Anything else but that."

"Why, because you did ?" Shuichi gulps.

Eiri looks away again.

"You did, didn't you." Shuichi states plainly.

Eiri does not answer him.

Shuichi sighs deeply. "I knew it. Why Yuki. You didn't have to do that…I feel awfully embarrassed now, like I should reimburse you or something-"

" Shuichi its fine." Eiri cuts him off. "Don't say anything more about it."

"Alright I won't -except one thing." Shuichi asserts. "I just hope you bought the piece because you liked it!"

"I wouldn't have otherwise." Eiri mutters.

"Then I'm glad you did buy it. "Shuichi says softly. "In a way too, I'm glad that I know about it now. At least I know that the photo is not lost out there with some stranger…."

They are quiet again.

"Let me… ask you something…. How did you know…. that I would be back of the gallery that night?" Eiri says, his voice oddly subdued. " Or that … I would even show up? I told you I wouldn't."

"You know I don't know Yuki. I just knew. " Shuichi shakes his head disbelievingly. "Its like… I … felt it, and when I heard the piece sold, I kind of…immediately sensed you were there… in my gut somehow. Then I had to look and check for myself, and there you were. I was so surprised… but in a way I wasn't at all."

They turn their heads to stare at each other.

"And now we're both here …at the same time." Shuichi smiles tentatively. " Weird huh."

Eiri simply looks back at him.

Shuichi clears his throat. "We should go get you that ice."

* * *

They find the nearest sandwich shop and order get ice water. Shuichi feels guilty about ordering too little so he orders several cheap snack packets which he stuffs in his pocket. "Daizai likes these." He explains.

He and Eiri take a table. Shuichi takes some of the ice from the water and wraps it in a napkin in a make-shift compress.

As hands over the lump of ice and napkins to Eiri, he clicks his tongue. "Tsk. It looks like you can barely see out of that eye."

Eiri winces as he tentatively presses the compress to his eye. "Its not that bad. "

"Can I ask what happened to it?" Shuichi asks gently.

"Nothing. Just a minor accident."

"Minor accident? More like a major one!" Shuichi scolds. "You have to start to watch yourself Yuki. You can't be letting yourself get injured like that."

"Its just a black eye." The writer says.

"Yes, this time it's a black eye, but next time you could really get hurt!" Shuichi huffs.

"And then what?" Eiri says emotionlessly.

"And then what?! I'd be really upset then what! "Shuichi exclaims reproachfully "And so would your family and everyone else. So you have to promise me you won't be so careless in the future. Oh and promise me that you'll get that eye checked- you might even have some eye trauma or something- and you don't want to fool around with your vision."

Eiri stares at him incredulously. Then his expression fades as if suddenly remembering something.

"Thank you for the ice. " Eiri says vacantly. His hand drips from the damp bundle of ice cubes and napkins, so he slowly sets the bundle down on the table. "But I need to … go home now. "

Shuichi asks. " How are you getting back Yuki?"

"My… car is near by. " Eiri frowns. "I'm … driving."

"What? Are you just going to drive home? What did I just tell you about being careful? Its not safe with you being one-eyed like you are." Shuichi thinks of it then adds. "I know! I can drive you back in your car."

"No… " Eiri actually straightens and pales even more at the suggestion. "No. Don't. Its fine."

"What's the big deal? Its fine for me to drive you." Shuichi frowns at Eiri's visibly perturbed reaction. "Just allow me to give you a ride, it'll be easier, not to mention safer- not just for you but for other people on the road, and then I won't have to be all worried about it either. Besides, it's the least I can do for you after you helped Daizai and I out."

"No." Eiri croaks. "…I didn't do that so you'd owe me a favor and I won't waste your time."

"Pft. Please. I didn't mean it that way. I know you didn't. I meant its not a _favor._ Its just a nice thing to do for a friend , right? That and I have nothing but time, and making sure you come home safely isn't a waste of it either. Or better still, I can even drop you off at the hospital to get your eye checked, or I can even wait with you if you like- I know for me, I always hate to wait by myself at hospitals or for check ups. Its no problem. I can do whatever. I just have to be home for dinner- so why not?" Shuichi shrugs.

Eiri only puts his face in his hands.

"Yuki?" Confused, the younger man leans in on the table. Watching Eiri, he feels that strange prickle in the pit of his stomach again. "Is there .. something the matter? Does you eye hurt?"

Eiri's hands gradually slide away.

"If… I tell you that… I'll get coffee with you later..." Eiri seems to says with difficulty. "Will… you …drop this?"

" Um. Okay." Shuichi mutters confusedly, and takes out his phone. "Sure. Just let me get you a cab ok? I still don't want you on the road. "

Before Eiri can protest, Shuichi hires a taxi with a few dexterous flicks of his fingers on the screen of his phone.

"There and done! Your cab will be here in five minutes! " The younger man announces cheerfully.

In response, Eiri grimaces.

After they leave the sandwich shop, Shuichi stands with Eiri on the curb.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with?" Shuichi asks again.

Eiri says. "I can take it from here."

"Alright Yuki. I'll just wait with you then."

As they wait, Shuichi puts his hands in his pockets and whistles one of his latest songs.

"You don't… have to do that." Eiri grits.

"Don't be silly." Shuichi scoffs. "It'd only be five minutes. So, where are you heading?"

Eiri doesn't answer.

"If I can make a suggestion," The singer tells the older man ."I think you should see a doctor."

"I'll consider it." Eiri mumbles.

"Yes! I'm glad you agree with me. That's the best thing to do. If something's bothering you, you should get that taken care of as soon as you can!" Shuichi says approvingly. "Like I said, you promise to be careful? "

Eiri grunts. "Yeah."

"Good. " Shuichi smiles .

A taxi pulls up to the curb.

"Oh! Your ride came early!" The younger man exclaims. "They must have been close. That's lucky isn't it."

Even more to Eiri's surprise, Shuichi opens the taxi door for him.

Eiri reluctantly steps in.

"Aright, call or text me later and let me know how your eye is doing, ok?" Shuichi tells him , still holding the car door open. "Just so I won't worry about it! Can you do that?"

"Yeah I can." Eiri croaks.

"Cool. See you soon Yuki. Bye!" Shuichi closes the taxi door for him.

He watches Eiri be driven off.

* * *

When Shuichi returns, he finds Daizai waiting for him, leaning cross armed and rakishly in the doorway .

"How was your walk Shu? Do you feel a bit better?" The younger man drawls with an air of expectation.

"Yeah… I guess I do… in a way." Shuichi runs a hand through his hair bewilderedly as he comes inside. "You'll never believe what happened though! It was too weird. Spooky even. I did manage to buy you some snacks though-"

The pop star reaches into his pocket and pulls out several packets of crispy noodles, dried wasabi peas and seaweed crackers.

"Thanks for the snacks but you'll have to tell me about all that later because I have some good news to tell you!" Daizai energetically interrupts him and puts the packets aside.

"What is it ?" Shuichi's eyes widens. "What happened with you while I was gone?"

"The gallery called…." Daizai leans in and speaks quietly as if to build up a sense of anticipation.

"Yeah and?" Shuichi says, breathlessly.

Daizai mouth sparks to life into a brillant blinding grin. " I just sold six pieces."

Shuichi 's jaw drops. "No … way."

"Not only that, but they sold to some high rolling collector types." Daizai's grin grows even more gleeful. "They say… they love my work so much they're going … to come back with their friends!"

"Daizai!" Shuichi shrieks. "Oh my GOD!"

Both of them laugh hysterically, as they leap into each other's arms.

* * *

When Eiri arrives at the clinic , Eiri's psychiatrist Dr. Remi Oichi is waiting for him at the doorway of her office.

is not in her doctor's clothes for once. She is dressed casually (or what constitutes casualness for her) in a charcoal colored turtleneck and smart black pants ,with an elegant silver silk scarf around her shoulders. She is also wearing a new beautiful engagement ring.

From what Eiri has heard , Dr. Oichi has been seeing an Swiss man who is world famous authority on Neuroscience and pharmaceuticals, for the last several years. Now that they are engaged, she might close her practice to go live and work with him abroad. On top of everything else, Eiri may have to find a new psychiatrist soon.

When Eiri comes in, Dr. Oichi says nothing about his black eye.

"Do make yourself comfortable Eiri." gestures to the couch.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Eiri sits down. He is late by ten minutes. " Thank you for waiting."

"Its no matter. I tried calling you a few minutes ago, but you did not pick up." She tells him.

"I encountered some traffic." Eiri says.

In response, the psychiatrist crosses her arms against her chest and scrutinizes him as if to examine whether or not he's telling the truth.

"I'm glad you came Eiri." She states.

Eiri is not glad. Nevertheless he mutters. "May… I have a glass of water?"

She goes gets him a glass of water.

"Do you wish to continue where we left off on our phone call?"The doctor says as she hands over the glass.

" I suppose I should. As you know, my meeting with my editor went abysmally." Eiri takes it and takes a long shaky gulp of water. "But it was as I expected. "

"Why did you expect that?"

"The story I've written is… doesn't hold up.' Eiri takes another long shaky gulp. "Its muddled and nonsensical- I couldn't gather my thoughts together."

"It is a first draft Eiri." Dr. Oichi assures him. "It can be edited."

"I don't think I have it in me to write a second draft, and even if I did fix it… " Eiri sets the glass down with a sigh. "I can't let them publish _Chained Butterflies."_

"Why?"

" Why. It would be like…. letting people listen into my sessions with you. Even my editor…. when she was reading it , she gave me a look like "What the hell are you doing?' In actuality, I think I purposely sabotaged it for that reason … As for the rest of the afternoon, you can see what happened." Eiri gestures to his eye. "My son gave me this. "

The psychiatrist's face softens. "That must be painful ."

"It looks worse than it is." Eiri grunts. "I already…put some ice on it."

"I didn't necessarily mean physically. Here, put the cold glass on it." instructs him.

Eiri reluctantly puts the glass to his eye.

"I'll refer you to an ophthalmologist friend of mine." Dr. Oichi says. " You should get it checked."

Eiri doesn't say anything to that.

The psychiatrist continues. "Do you wish to talk more about what happened with Hatori?"

"I don't want to … but I know I should." Eiri swallows. "Its why I'm seeing you right now, isn't it."

"One of the reasons yes. I was very concerned by your phone call. You sounded very distressed Eiri."

Eiri takes the glass off his eye and sets it down.

"Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?" His psychiatrist flat out asks him.

"I don't know."

"Does that mean yes?"

" I told you. I don't know."

"You must answer me honestly ." Dr. Oichi repeats firmly. "So tell me. Are you having thoughts of harming yourself? Yes or no?"

Eiri clenches his eyes shut. He doesn't want to say it, but he has to say it now, or he never will.

"To be honest…its been coming to me in flashes. Not like a coherent plan, not like some of the other times. At first they were … unclear. " Eiri begins with a shuddering breath. "Then they became more like images."

"What kind of images?"

"Images of me doing…destructive things. One image I had was… taking all my pills and…then another image was of… me smashing my car into a wall - another image … was of me going back to my new apartment and stepping off my balcony…They keep coming too. They're racing through my head and I can't control them… "

Eiri fixes his gaze into the dark well of his lap.

"My … chest … hurts and so does my head… I think it may be a panic attack- but it feels like a… protracted one. It's also like I'm hearing everything from far away … and other times the sound is too loud… And my own voice sounds… strange to myself. I feel… like another person. Like… nothing actually …but …"

Then Eiri's eyes flicker to looks at the water glass resting on the table. His eyes gleam intently at the prosaic sight. A glass of water resting on a table. Nothing threatening or unusual about that.

Another image comes.

This time its an image of him taking the glass and smashing it on the table, then using the jagged edges of it to slice into his wrist

The psychiatrist studies him.

Eiri looks up at her, his face knotted, eyes glazed. He realizes he is hugging himself.

"Do you have your pills with you Eiri?" She asks softly.

"No... I don't."

"One moment."

His psychiatrist takes the glass off the table.

She leaves the office to go to the backroom, and comes back with a pill in her hand and a paper cup.

"Here." The psychiatrist instructs him calmly. "Take one of these with your water."

Eiri takes the pill into his palm - he knows its one of his anti-anxiety meds. He just hopes it works faster than usual. Sometimes it doesn't work fast enough for his liking. In those cases, (even though he's not supposed to) he doubles up.

After he swallows the medicine, he crumples up the paper cup in his fist. He says resignedly. "Alright. I know what happens now."

His psychiatrist tells him anyways. "I'll arrange to put you on private suicide watch for 72 hours just as a precaution."

"Yeah I know." Eiri croaks and puts a hand over his eyes. "Can we … just finish our session first?"

"Ofcourse we can Eiri."

They sit there for a minute.

She breaks the silence. "What are you feeling right now."

" Scared, Defeated. Ashamed. Frustrated- with myself." Eiri grits and runs a hand through his hair." Goddamnit. I can't believe it….I can't believe I'm at this point again. I just…can't allow myself to do this anymore."

"There isn't any reason to blame yourself and it is not a matter of allowing or not allowing yourself to 'do anything'. Your illness is not something you chose. It is not your fault Eiri, so it does no good to blame yourself for it. There are also extenuating circumstances . As I said before, I don't think we've properly dealt with all the stress that your divorce and the recent death of your father has caused you… furthermore, the last few years of your marriage has been a struggle , and you have been battling a very difficult bout of depression for some time now ."

" Yes I know, and what depression isn't goddamned difficult?!" Eiri snaps, tearing a hand through his hair again, making it even wilder. "And can it be really be called a "bout " if its lasted on and off for the past eight fucking years?!"

The psychiatrist looks at him compassionately.

Eiri looks away and collects himself. He leans forward and clenches both his hands on his knees, and takes a deep breath.

"Sorry Dr." Eiri apologizes in a low voice. "I meant no disrespect. I didn't mean to raise my voice and use that kind of language with you. I have been under a lot of stress lately.. and I've not been well … for a long time. Maybe longer than eight years actually."

"But I've done a decent job of hiding it in public so far." Eiri mouth twists. "Obviously I can't fool you. I can't fool the people who are close to me.. even though I haven't even wanted to admit it to myself… I have children. Normal fathers aren't supposed to be like this.

"To be like what?"

"To be like how I am… To have disturbed thoughts… to contemplate what I was thinking of, even for a second." Eiri slumps over "I think… I may need to lie down."

"Do whatever feels most comfortable Eiri." Dr. Oichi says.

Eiri lays himself down on the sofa on his side.

"I love my children … more than anything." Eiri continues quietly. "They're wonderful kids, and I am blessed to have them. So why still do I feel this way? Shouldn't my having a family be enough to give me peace and contentment? Shouldn't they alone be enough to make me snap out of it, and pull myself together?"

Eiri covers his face with a hand. His voice deepens with self-loathing. "Why am I so ungrateful? Why am I so weak?"

"Depression doesn't have to do with being ungrateful or weak or 'pulling one's self by one's bootstraps' Eiri ." The doctor says. "Its an illness that needs to be treated."

Eiri ignores that and continues grimly. "More importantly, I can't permit myself to have another breakdown. As a father, I can't afford it. My children rely on me. Or at least I thought they did…. I think though… all I've done is harm them. They … may actually… be better off without me."

"I know for a fact they wouldn't."

"I know for a fact Hatori doesn't want me in his life . Yukiko seems okay…then again she's always been more like me, I mean in the sense that she's… more bookish and introverted. She even likes to write too. She's very perceptive and mature for her age, but only time will tell what effect I've had on her , though I'm sure it won't be positive either. " Eiri then groans. "God. My poor son. I saw it today. I saw how damaged he is, how much pain he's in. And _I_ did that to _him_._"_

"You did not mean to hurt your son Eiri. You did the best you could for him, considering your condition."

"How can I possibly explain that to him?!" Eiri snaps. "Hatori is just fifteen years old! He's already dealing with the divorce of his parents and also a possible new step father. How can I tell him, that on top of that , he has a defective father who has been relying on a diet of medication, stabilizers and tranquilizers just to get out of bed in the morning?"

"Taking medicine does not make you defective." Dr. Oichi comments. "Your condition is treatable but you must be patient with the process. Occasionally relapses may happen."

"Relapses. What a phrase. Yes. That sounds better. 'Sorry about most of your childhood Hatori, but your father was busy _relapsing_ and having a string of nervous breakdowns, one after another like fucking dominoes.' " Eiri seethes into his fist. "Anyways, does it fix the situation? It doesn't change a damn thing . No matter what crock of a excuse I come with, it doesn't give Hatori or Yukiko the father they deserve."

"It is not an excuse. It is the truth Eiri."

"Not only that … Hatori …. knows about my past now too- before his mother… he knows that I lived with another man. Both of my children know about it, but Hatori is taking it particularly hard. " Eiri breathes hard. "Apparently some people or his classmates have been giving him trouble about it , or at least he intimated that to me."

"I'm very sorry to hear that."

"I am too. Who would believe it." Eiri sneers." That in this day and age, someone would be so cowardly, stupid and ignorant to bully my child over a relationship I had over 15 years ago! God forbid I ever come across any of those people…I'll-"

Eiri stops himself. He's already confessed to thoughts of self-harm today , he can't confess to thoughts of harming other people too. Even if those people are homophobic pieces of shit who don't deserve to breathe the same air as his son, let alone try and make him feel bad.

But his own son too …as the thought strikes suddenly, Eiri can't talk. He feels as if he is choking. He even clutches at his own throat.

Eiri being open about his sexuality has been called every derogatory name out there . He's been called "conflicted", "confused", "immoral", a sex addict, "deviant" , a "pillow-biter", "pansy", "limp- wristed" and the list goes on and on . He has been called this by strangers (mostly idiots and losers on the internet), former acquaintances and even disreputable members of the media.

Idiotic and bigoted as it is, one has to develops a thick skin and try one's best to live their life anyways without letting it affect you. Eiri had long ago steeled himself for these attacks, and stopped caring about them.

But in all his life, Eiri never thought he would be called a faggot by his own son. He never thought that just the thought of being who he was, would cause his son to be nearly physically sick and recoil from him.

The pain is astounding.

"Eiri?" To bring him out of his episode, his psychiatrist tells him soothingly. "Its alright. Just talk your way through it."

"Hatori isn't like those people. Its… not his fault how he reacted." Eiri stammers. "Hatori is just too young to understand. He's angry, confused and upset over the divorce too. His reaction is _my _fault . I should have told both my children about that aspect of life earlier so they'd be… more prepared to hear the news, but I didn't- and it wasn't because I felt embarrassed or was trying to consciously hide it. I simply thought it was so long ago… it was unnecessary for them to know about it, in the same way I didn't bother to talk to them about any of my female exes before their mother. Then again… the situation was quite different . I should have taken that into account… I…should have explained without them having to ask me or find out on their own…I set the situation up to be a disaster."

"Perhaps there is another reason you didn't tell your children about that part of your life." She says.

"Like what.. okay fine…" Eiri mumbles. "Yes maybe… I wanted to put that part of my life behind me, but not because I was ashamed of it. I've only tried to forget it and not bring it up for so long, because I had to move on. And I have moved on right?"

Eiri knows he's rambling, but his anti-anxiety medicine makes him feel oddly looser, more physical and more talkative, but not necessarily less anxious. It only transmutes his anxiety into a more fluid and manageable form like the turning ice into water. That is why sometimes he doesn't take the medicine all the time, even though its prescribed as a daily course.

Eiri's eyes close. He shakes his head. "But if I have … why did I go to that stupid photography show?"

Eiri then confesses. "Then… the other day I sent some emails to some art-collecting friends. They were friends my ex-wife and I made together when we were a couple. As you know, my ex-wife was part of that art scene, or tried to be… I wrote to them I had just acquired a piece from a new talented and affordable artist -as they are always on the hunt for the next big new artist for investment and speculation reasons. I attached a picture of the piece I bought in my emails for them to see and told them that if they were interested to go to the gallery and check out more of the guy's work for themselves... I heard nothing back yet, so I don't know if they did or didn't…I don't know why I wasted my time doing that either."

There is a moment of silence.

"Maybe... I just wanted to do something to distract myself from my own problems." Eiri then mutters sadly. " Things haven't been good for me from all fronts- my kids, my marriage, my career… My editor informed me that apparently most of my readers don't like what I've written these past few years. They prefer my older work. Ofcourse I knew that, but to hear it said so openly makes it real. It makes sense though. A writer always reveals themselves in the veiled extension of their work, no matter how much they imagine that they don't . So whatever I'm feeling or experiencing … shows in my books. My readers can see what's there or what isn't there. "

"And how does this make you feel Eiri?"

"It makes me feel like … a failure . Its not so much because of the sales, I never cared so much about that, but what the sales reflect. I know my last novels have not been my best, and at my current stage of life, when my work should be better than ever and when I should be the top of my game , I'm slipping. That and… it makes me feel ashamed again. Ashamed because I think my so-called fans are starting to see past my façade … or already have. "

"And what are you worried that they'll see ?"

"What you see right here. Emptiness. Bitterness. Pain. Someone who isn't cool, confident or in control of themselves at all, but who is broken and barely functional . Not very attractive qualities, are they?" On the sofa, Eiri curls into himself. "Mostly though I hate myself. I hate what I've become."

"What have you become?"

"I've become my own father. " Eiri shudders. "I loathed that man."

"How do you think you are you like your father?"

"As my therapist, you know already this story ad-nauseum, but why not… I'll tell you it again .That's all I do. Repeat my lousy history, don't I?" Eiri sniffs. "Father and I had a very bitter and acrimonious relationship. After I rejected that marriage with Ayaka Usumi - Father refused to talk to me, as he wanted to punish me for not marrying the person of his choice and because of that, I refused to ever try and speak to him again. We were at a stalemate, and were estranged ever since. Even when I married my wife and had my children, he still refused to talk to me, or even to acknowledge them. "

"But the real problems started way before that. I looked nothing like my father, I was nothing like him, and because of that he disliked me." Eiri sighs. "Being that way and also his eldest son, he considered me as something disappointing , maybe even as something threatening. At times… I thought Father considered me like you would an enemy."

" As a boy though, I wanted Father's affection and approval, and the more I tried to get it, the more he repelled me. Not knowing any better, I wanted to relate to him like a normal child would, but obviously Father didn't see our relationship happening that way. I would remember as a boy I would try to… hug him or be near him, but he'd cringe or push me away from him, like just my being close to him was an grievance or an affront to him. Perhaps my father was not capable of it. I don't know how he was raised. All I know is what I was presented with, and what I experienced was that Father was cold, distant, and overly critical and only concerned with maintaining appearances."

"Sometimes I think Father only had children out of sense of duty. I always felt that we were considered at best little temple assistants , or as another aspect of the temple to be managed along with it, at worse distractions from the temple itself. Father also may have just wanted children simply to ensure someone would carry on the family name and take over the place after he was gone. He had no real relationship with us to speak of- not with Mika, or Tatsuha either, except in a very superficial sense- though they might disagree with that assessment- but at least with those two he was not openly hostile, like he was with me. I remember sometimes … Father would single me out when I was already different … He would humiliate me."

"How would he humiliate you?" The doctor asks.

"Father would make comments about my appearance and behavior, saying I was… stupid, ugly, or odd once he called me not his "real son". I don't know why. Maybe he thought because I looked so different, I was some indelible proof of some infidelity on my mother's part, but my mother was not that kind of person at all. She was timid and deferent, and very loyal to my father. Still. Maybe he meant it in a different way. Father would also introduce people to everyone in the family, except he'd "forget" to introduce me. Sometimes he would openly criticize me - but to make a point to praise Mika or Tatsuha instead. Though I know it wasn't their fault… I'm still not close as I should be with them now because of it. Sometimes while the whole family sat together during public get togethers, he would purposely sit me at a different table or the farthest seat possible away from him...Then once." Eiri grimaces. "Father found one of my stories as a boy. He read it, and ripped it up in front of me, saying it was a waste or time and that I had no talent. Things like that."

"My father also treated my mother badly, or at least I thought so. I think that's why I felt closer to my mother. Being bullied by my father as well, I identified with her position. When I was little… I remember thinking Father had killed my mother or hastened her death from her illness somehow, with his callousness and lack of concern. That and while he did his 'duty' and took care of her, he was no source of compassion or comfort. He treated mother's illness as just an drain on him and resented her for being sick…besides being prone to health problems, my mother had a very sensitive disposition... or at least that's what they called it then. Perhaps she would just be called being depressed now. She just couldn't stand the thought of being a burden to anyone so... she just folded into herself and let herself disappear."

Eiri sighs again. "I was pretty sensitive too- growing up, more than my other siblings. Maybe Father saw too much of my mother in me. He definitely saw it as a weakness. I think he thought me… as less of a man because of it. That used to bother and confuse me- it made me feel that it was unacceptable for me to show my emotions and a host of all sorts of other issues..."

"So as an adult… when I came out as openly bisexual, it was only adding insult to injury or so Father thought. Not so much because Father cared what I did privately- he was outraged that I had the audacity to come out and just say it and let everyone know about it. But at that point, it no longer made any difference to me about what would happen to the family image or what he thought . The old man never liked me and I was scarcely a part of the family to begin with , so there was nothing for me to lose by being honest. By that point, I didn't need Father , if I ever did, and didn't want anything to do with him anymore."

"On the other hand, Tatsuha- ever "the eternal bachelor", too "devoted" of a monk to the temple to ever get married, out of deference to my father, was never open about his own bisexual tendencies. It was ludicrous though." Eiri sneers. " We all knew he was that way. In fact Tatsuha probably tended more towards men than I did , but unsurprisingly given our upbringing, my brother was constantly infatuated with untouchably distant 'mythic' older men- men like my father, who were safe for him to idolize because these relationship would never possibly come to anything. He was especially obsessed with that ridiculous pop star Sakuma. Hell, I think he still is. But because he omitted it all these years, Father could pretend that Tatsuha wasn't like me, so it suited him."

"Anyways. That doesn't matter…. When Father died. I almost didn't attend his funeral. I came in for the shortest time possible and left as early as I could. In some ways, I wish I hadn't gone at all. It felt like a betrayal to myself. I wasn't sad about Father's death- other than sad for myself that I never had a positive male role model to follow, or any model of being a husband or father with which to navigate with my own family . Frankly I felt… lost . Like Father marooned me. Like he wanted me to fail with my own children, like how he did." Eiri grits. "You know… Even now just talking about the old man, I still feel… furious and hateful towards him. Although its pointless to be. He's dead . Regardless, that's how I feel. Because… "

The psychiatrist nods for him to continue.

"Because now I understand that Father was at the root of a lot of problems that I'm still dealing with. His death may have brought all that back to the forefront of my mind…" Eiri feels queasy just talking about it" I… realize how Father's treatment of me as a child was one of the reasons I was so vulnerable to a predator like Yuki Kitazawa… Predators, pathologically wanting power, often target children who are exceptionally vulnerable. Because I never got what I needed from my own father and I was already ostracized by him and many others for my differences, I was particularly vulnerable and susceptible to Yuki's brand of manipulation. As a youth, I had extremely low self esteem because of Father's treatment. I was never taught about boundaries or what was appropriate or how to properly relate to other men. Most of all, I was desperate for attention, affection and the approval of any kind of mentor or father figure….and ofcourse, given how I was treated… I would unconsciously seek out the most damaging and treacherous person possible"

" So… when I had my own son… I was determined to do right by him." Eiri's lips trembles. "I swore that no matter what, that I would not be like my own father. I swore to myself that my son would never have the suffer the same things I went through and that he would never feel the same way about me how I felt about the old man. …but god… look what happened…."

"You are not your father Eiri, though having a son of your own would likely bring up that past pain for you. " The pychiatrist says. "Also you must understand that the situation is also very different. "

"Yes… but perhaps I'm more my father's son than I think." Eiri asserts. "All these years I thought Father and I didn't get along because we were different. Maybe it was because we were too alike. He was stubborn. Stubborn as I was. And essentially, I've done the same thing just in a different way. He was … distant and selfish and thoughtless too. So was I and because of that I broke my family apart."

"How do you think you did that?'

"Think? I know I did. I was responsible for the divorce. As you know, my ex-wife and I had an open marriage. Ofcourse we kept that from the children and kept that from being public knowledge. I tried to be discrete as I could… but occasionally a photo of me and other women would get leaked by the media. Oddly enough, these other lovers were usually introduced to me by my wife - in an attempt to 'help' me with my depression. That or we were sharing those same lovers." Eiri grimaces. " My wife was also bisexual and being a heiress model ….coming from a sophisticated background and having been in the fashion world… she was very comfortable with her desires and with mine as well. She even tried to introduce me to a few of her 'male friends' - though I never took her up on that offer. Understandably when these media leaks of me with my other 'sexual partners' came out, my wife was terribly angry and upset -not only because it was publicly embarrassing but ofcourse she didn't want our children to find out about what we did privately. It was my fault. I should have been more careful- so I didn't want to humiliate my wife or cause a bigger scandal, so I took the fall as a 'seeming philander' and I made my family suffer because of it. With my children… I was afraid of letting them see me ill or adversely affecting them with my dysfunction- it was almost as I was afraid that I might … 'infect' them with what I had… so I ended up removing myself in some way or another. My wife tried to cope with our predicament for a while but eventually, with having the kids to take care of along with me, she found it all too painful, stressful and exasperating. That and…"

Eiri cringes and puts his head in his hands. " As I told you… when I was in a bad way… because of my anxiety and feelings of detachment, I … couldn't really… perform sexually anymore - or when I could, I couldn't fully… enjoy it. Ironically despite being photographed and supposedly seen with all these 'other women' which just added to my 'ladies' man and bad boy' reputation … I wasn't even sleeping with them… because I couldn't. That and the new intensity of medications I took to manage my condition … made everything more difficult. That was hard for me to handle too. Having a … reputation for being a good lover and being able to please my partners was always a source of pride and confidence for me as man …at certain times it was my only point of pride …and when I couldn't … it was pathetic and mortifying. It made my feelings about everything even worse. My wife and I started seeing a marriage therapist, but by then, it was too late, through having my breakdowns and shut in periods of writing, I allowed my open marriage to become too open. My wife had started to get all her needs met by other people, including her emotional ones. I practically permitted Masuji -who supposedly was a 'friend' of ours though I never liked him, to steal my wife from under my nose. But I don't blame her… or even Masuji necessarily. If it hadn't been him, it would have been some other person. What did I expect to happen.. I was distant throughout… but especially towards the end of my marriage- I would seek to be alone or write or travel because I was ashamed and couldn't face the problems I had … which ofcourse made our problems even worse and took me even further from the kids..."

Eiri runs a hand over his face. "Lastly Father and I have this in common- our obsessions were ultimately self-defeating…"

"Self-defeating how?"

"Father had his temple and only that . He devoted his entire life to it to the sacrifice of everything else, only to have it dissolve right after his death…"Eiri listlessly reports. " We're keeping this quiet for now, but after Tatsuha closes house over the next year, the temple and the family property is going to be sold this year for redevelopment and the ensuing profit will be divided amongst us three. There was no disagreement as none of us wants to keep it. Why should we? I feel no nostalgia for that house- which was outwardly beautiful as it was inwardly empty and unhappy. That and the time and cost of maintaining such a massive property and up-keeping a temple simply isn't worth it for any of us. The sale of the land alone is valuable enough to ensure that all three of us and our children and most likely their children will never have anything to worry about anything for their rest of their lives. And to think, these years our Father was just stubbornly sitting on it, against all our interests and at all our expense, just to keep some bonsai trees and maintain some notion of tradition that none of us gave a damn about. It goes to show you what the old man really cared about ultimately."

"In reality, Tatsuha - even his 'good son' was nothing but an illusion. Tatsuha knew our father would have never given him most of the property unless he pretended to want to carry on the tradition all these years. My younger brother was in reality just playing along for my father's benefit and waiting for him to die so he could finally be free to do what he wanted… or fulfilling his "filial duty" . At least my siblings are doing right thing by sharing the property all together, even though father only gave the temple to Tatsuha and the family house to Mika. I ofcourse was cut out of the will. Now that father's dead, Tatsuha intends to reward himself for his good service and take his share of his money, buy a yacht and go on a international party spree with a bunch of his girl and boyfriends- including that pop star I heard. Mika and Tohma will find something to do their share- even though they have too much money already. As for my share, I'm putting it in the trust I made for the children. After the property is sold, it's going to be redeveloped into a shopping center and golf-course. And that will be all that remains of my father's legcy and life work."

" As for myself," Eiri creaks. "I've invested so much time and energy into writing. I've given so much to those stories, possibly even at the cost of my relationship to my wife and kids, and for what? So I can in these later years, try to wring out a few barely profitable novels as my career inevitably dwindles away?"

In response, the psychiatrist states. "You said in the past you felt addicted to writing."

"Yes. Exactly " Eiri agrees tiredly. " Addicted is a good word for it. It was almost like I had no choice. I couldn't help but write…even when I wanted to quit for the day or for short period… I couldn't. I would become restless and I couldn't get to sleep unless I took a pill… or many. Otherwise, I would get up and find myself returning to the computer and writing all night, and then all day non-stop. For a while, its like I could nothing but sleep and write. If I was kept away from writing too long, I would get agitated, extremely frustrated and feel … panicked strangely enough. I'd even get panic attacks- I would start to feel… afraid."

"Afraid of what."

"Even I don't know." Eiri confesses.

"Let me put it this way.' Dr. Oichi frowns. "What do you think would happen if you stopped writing?"

"I …don't know how to say it."

"Try Eiri."

"It almost feels like …I couldn't handle it." Eiri croaks. "It feels like… if I didn't write… I might die."

The psychiatrist looks at him.

"I know it sounds ridiculous." Eiri says apologetically.

"No it doesn't." She says.

"Want to hear something else Dr. " Eiri takes a shuddering breath. "Remember that 'lost month?"

"Yes I do Eiri. That was at the beginning of the divorce and when your father was ill, yes?"

"Yes I didn't want to acknowledge either of those things were happening, so I tried to get away and just focus on my work. I was living out of that hotel in America writing. What happened was that I deleted the novel I was working on all year because it didn't feel true to me anymore. Instead I bought several bottles of whiskeys, shut myself in and wrote _A Singular Castaway _instead. I wrote it in one go, for about a month straight about. During that time, I … didn't leave the room. I didn't answer anyone's calls. I didn't really sleep…I didn't eat, I didn't drink-except the whiskeys I bought and all the alcohol is the mini bar fridge- and the occasional gulp of tap water. Even having to use the bathroom frustrated me. I even didn't change my clothes. I started to feel infuriated, ill and frightened … out of control, like possessed in a reckless manic daze. Still I couldn't stop writing. How the episode ended was that I missed my novel's deadline and my father's condition rapidly deteriorated. I didn't know about that because I deliberately had cut myself off from everybody. Tohma and Mika thought I should go see him, but as they were busy with the twins and taking care of things for Father, they sent Tatsuha to go retrieve me."

"Tatsuha and my editor, not being able to get in contact with me, both went together as a team to come find me. Now…I don't remember any of this at all… I must have been so drunk- but apparently the two of them had to break the door down to get to me as I actually barricaded myself in the room with the hotel furniture. When they found me, I was a filthy incoherent wreck and the rest of the room was trashed. I … even left the bathtub running, punched a hole in the drywall, and like some horrible joke had hung a bottle of whiskey from a makeshift noose on the ceiling fan and had it spinning around and around. Allegedly too, my editor and Tatsuha had to physically drag me away from the keyboard and hold me down while I struggled and raved about how the book wasn't finished yet but how I was, and how I wanted to end it all , how I wanted to write myself to death… "

"When I came to, I was still in America, in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, dehydration and exhaustion…I had been out of it for three days. When I woke up … I was heavily medicated to prevent any 'acting up'…but I found out Tatsuha had already gone back home to say his last goodbyes. My father had died …while I was out." Eiri says barely audibly. He feels more ashamed than ever.

" I still felt very… ill when I went back to Japan… and I finally … just barely managed to finish the book and to attend that funeral. Ever since, my editor and I have carried on like this all never happened- but its become a point of contention for us both. I've .. been trying to avoid her and she knows it." Eiri croaks. "And I haven't talked to Tatsuha and Mika … not since we talked about what to do with property months back… I could tell they still haven't forgiven me for not being there when Father died…. maybe at the end Father did ask to see me or ask to see his grandchildren by me after all… I don't know. At the funeral, though I didn't make any scene , my siblings and Tohma could tell ,even by my brief appearance that I was not…entirely sober when I arrived either. Dreading going … I took too many of many of my pills and mixed them with alcohol which was a bad idea…I admit I showed up a bit late for the service and left early too. They were also upset that I didn't bring my soon-to-be ex-wife and children to the funeral, but why should have I? Why should they have to pay their respects to a man who spitefully refused to see them their entire lives because he had a personal vendetta against me? Furthermore, I asked my children and they expressed no interest in going, as my father was a stranger to them and they were already going through a lot with the divorce… I wasn't going to force them. "

"But… what you and your relationship with Tohma? Have you heard from him?" The psychiatrist frowns.

"Yes, ofcourse Tohma has tried to reach out to me , being Tohma. He attempted to contact me a few times since the divorce and after the funeral, but I've been keeping my distance…That distance is what I'm accustomed to now. I'm sure he feels the same. I know he probably only forced himself to attempt to talk to me out of some begrudging sense of obligation. I think he's taken the hint and given up. Things changed after I had my own family, and then Tohma had his twins. Tohma's priorities changed, and so did mine. It necessarily created a rift between us. " Eiri mutters. "Frankly, not being close to him has been a relief all these years, for me as well as him."

"That and … seeing Tohma again might actually make things worse. I think the news of my behavior in America, and my addled appearance at my father's funeral , even disturbed and offended him. He may have finally decided I just wasn't worth the trouble anymore. So" Eiri concludes. "as you can see, this time, I'm truly on my own."

"You aren't on your own Eiri."

"No I have my books, don't I. And what good its done me… its led me to this office today."

" It is a good thing that you came here today - and I believe that you did not invest time and energy in your books in the way you are thinking." The woman says quietly. "From what I observe, you were using your writing these past few years to cope with your worsening depression and other various problems, like an refuge. Not feeling able to express your emotions otherwise and feeling constantly endangered by the intensity of your illness and not having a partner that understood it, your writing allowed you to create your own safe space in which you could actually feel free to be emotionally expressive and honest in. In that way writing wasn't a choice you made at everyone's else expense or even your own. It was a coping strategy necessary to your continued well being and survival. In your incident in America ,I think it sounds like you were trying to use that former coping strategy to mourn and punish yourself for your perceived failure over your marriage and your unresolved pain towards your father. Even now, you also never gave yourself the chance to properly process both those losses."

They look at each other.

"I believe our time is up Eiri." The psychiatrist says. "Do just rest for a moment. I need to make a few arrangements for you."

As she goes to picks up her desk phone, Eiri says. "I ran into him again."

"Who?"

"Shuichi Shindou." Eiri continues. "I ran into him in the park. He…. put me in the cab that brought me here."

'The doctor's eyes widen.

" If not for that…" Eiri says. "I don't think I would be here."

"Where would you think you be?"

Eiri doesn't answer.

* * *

Right before dinner, as Shuichi washes his hands in the bathroom , his phone makes a soft chirp in his pocket.

He reaches into his pocket and looks at the screen. He's received a text.

"_Eye is fine. Thank you for your help. - E.Y"_

Shuichi smiles and texts back.

* * *

In his private hospital room, Eiri lies in bed, face down, on his stomach.

On the side table his phone vibrates.

Eiri turns to lay on his side, reaches over and looks at the screen.

On the screen it says.

"_Anytime. Thanks for letting me know you're okay. Take it easy and get well soon- Shuichi"_

A minute later, the phone vibrates again. When Eiri looks, it's a text from the same number. It reads.

" _Oh and when you feel up to it, lets get together again! -Shuichi"_


	7. The Seventh Sex

Zelda-san! You had to stop reading the chapter three times?! Oh my god poor darling! I admire the fact that you didn't stop reading entirely! To tell you the truth, Eiri is my favorite character too…so the last chapter was emotionally difficult for me to write as well but I felt like I needed to provide some background what happened to Eiri and why he so emotionally sensitive at this point! But I'm glad I could surprise you with Eiri and Shuichi's meeting because its hard to surprise readers as clever as you! Once again I'm so sorry about torturing you and poor Eiri again … but if Eiri comes to your house, can I come too? XD Hahaha! I'll invite Shuichi, but I won't invite Daizai! I'm very happy to get your feedback. Crazy or not ,I love to hear new ideas. In fact I like to hear the crazy ideas the best as they are the most interesting! Yes, though I am fluent in it, I admit English is not very exciting. That will be a goal of mine to learn Spanish and maybe one day I will be able to translate your wonderful work, but you'll have to wait a long time I'm afraid LOL. That's amazing that my story excites you that much! Your reviews make me run around too with joy too! It makes me feel wonderful to know that doing what I like brings excitement and happiness to others too and its really what the story writing is all about! Thank you so much for reading and I am honored to get your feedback. Kisses and love to you.

Thank you my splendorous MiaRain for being so awesomely supportive and saying that about my stories! It would be so much fun to write from "what would Eiri Yuki do" school of writing. Yes, there would be a whole lot of sex in the stories. Mostly just sex actually LOL. If one of my books were a best seller- trust me I would die of laughter too, but I'd probably die of shock first! Haha! I adore your optimism, and wish I had some of it myself. But hey, maybe I can be the next E.L James right? 50 shades of Gravitation? I'm starting to die laughing right now! Writing the scene with Eiri's psychiatrist was exciting (and challenging) for me for that reason because it's a chance to see Eiri be completely honest and lay out what he's dealing with inside him. I wanted to have that contrast between what he seems like and the actual turmoil he's in to be very stark and shocking and a little scary like you said. Its funny because I've never read the manga so you mentioning that Eiri really does open up to his psychiatrist made me feel relieved that wasn't off base to create this scene (and its hinted very slightly in the anime too) . Yes, I love the gravitation-yness of gravitation hahah. That's one of my favorite things about it, that weird serendipity of it, because in actuality, stuff like that does happen to people more often than we would think -like when you think of someone you haven't seen in years all of a sudden and then run into them! I'm so glad you coo over their interaction- because that's wonderful that their interaction is that fun and interesting to read… its certainly fun to write… because yes, I think you may be right but I don't want to spoil the possible curve ball (or not curveball) in store! I feel so devilish teasing people like this. Thank you for being so patient and understanding about the updates, but I knew you would be , as you are an angel blessed from reader heaven! I hope you are having a relaxing holiday and enjoying this nice long chapter!

Yes and happy holidays everyone and enjoy the chapter!

* * *

A few days later, Shuichi finds a post-it note tacked onto a sizable pile of paper on the breakfast table.

On the post-it , scribbled in Daizai's characteristic all capitalized and inky scrawl it reads

"_OUT WORKING. SOME REVIEWS CAME IN. READ 'EM AND WEEP , LOVE D" _

Shuichi makes a cup of coffee and reads through the printed reviews.

Through out , Daizai has underlined some paragraphs and even provided some commentary by writing in the margins.

The first review is very positive.

_**Anything but Black and White **__By Erika Uchida_

_Daizai Mashiro's debut show "Default: Black and White" is a show seemingly simple and cohesive in its conception but is complex in both its rendering and its implications. Despite the clarity and sharpness of the images themselves, the content of the photos were quite psychological ambiguous but they are no means 'vague' or wishy-washy'. Rather they are fraught with meaning, poignant if not slightly apprehensive, at times even menacing. Nothing in 's work seems to be stated directly. The photo seems to always capture just the moment before or the moment after something happens…_

Daizai annotated there: I THINK SHE GETS IT. OR MAYBE SHE HAS A CRUSH ON ME. CAN YOU BLAME THE POOR GIRL?

Shuichi skips to the next underlined part.

_While all the pieces were solid in my opinion , several pieces in were particularly outstanding such as "Love's Shadow" and "Weird Emotion" , "Tangent Advantage" and "Concentric Apathy" and the riveting and shocking"Bound Judgment "_

Included next to this is an image of "Bound Judgment" which is a photo of man's tattooed torso meticulously wrapped in barbed wire, and those minor cuts and bleedings are clearly delineated. The man's two wrists in particular are bound as in barbed wire cuffs, being grasped by two fists. The wire cuts into the clenched fist's palm. Blood trickles down the wrist, which smears into the other hand and blackens the wire slightly.

Shuichi shudders. While he's liked almost all Daizai's photos, he's never liked that one.

Seeing how many more reviews he has to read, Shuichi then skips the end

_From his exciting debut show I see the beginning of a promising talent and a wonderful career! I look forward to seeing much more of this photographer's terrifically interesting work _

Daizai writes under it: NOT BAD RIGHT? I THINK LIKE HER BETTER WATCH OUT SHU, WE MIGHT ELOPE! (YOU BETTER NOT SAY 'GO AHEAD')

There are quite a few reviews that continue in the same positive vein. The majority of them are more descriptive and neutral, not giving a critique as so much just reporting the facts of the show. A small amount of reviews towards the end are not so positive. The last one in particular is downright nasty. On the top of this one, Daizai had written: SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST BABY

_The title __**Oh God. Not Another Photography Show**__**…**_

_**Yet another criticism by Kyoji Ozaki**_

"_Daizai Mashiro certainly has a strong aesthetic (strong but not necessarily sophisticated) and certainly seems to be a 'fluent' and compositionally proficient photographer. Coming from a fashion photography background that is to be expected, but let us not forget that fashion, while it may be a hobby or commerce or a form of social display, is certainly not art. Working for mainstream glamour magazines are no substitute for real artistic credentials and in my opinion does not count as an adequate preparation for the art world. This shows in the clichéd conception of the show itself. Black and white photography, as appealing as it may be for the masses, is not exactly original is it?_

Daizai's note: BUT ELITISM ISN'T ORGINAL ETHIER. GOD FORBID SOMEONE WORK IN MAINSTREAM FASHION OR MAKE SOME ART ACCESSIBLE TO THE UNWASHED MASSES. MY MONOCLE HAS DROPPED INTO MY DIVING POOL OF CAVIAR

_However Mr. Mashiro's ability for taking gritty, moody (but of course palatable enough ) pictures may not be enough to support his hallowed claim to being a serious artiste. Nowadays, even an addled child can take a decent photograph as all it takes is a click of a button on one's phone and then about five minutes on one's electronic device of your choice to edit it into some semblance of an 'artistic' image. In this day and age, one may even presume to call photography a dead medium. If not a dead medium, then at least lifeless!_

Another note of Daizai: "GRITTY, MOODY, BUT PALATABLE ENOUGH?" COULD BE NAME OF NEXT SHOW? OR I CAN PUT ON MY RESUME UNDER MY EMPLOYABLE SKILLS? NICE TO KNOW MY JOB COULD BE DONE BY ADDLED CHILDREN. THAT'S NOT VERY NICE OF HIM. I BELIEVE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE. ALSO , DON'T PHOTOSHOP MY PHOTOS BECAUSE THESE WERE ALL WERE TAKEN THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, WITH FILM THAT'S WHY THE SHOW WAS CALLED 'DEFAULT':BLACK AND WHITE MY 'EXQUSITE CORSPES' ARE ALL NATURALE

_There is nothing ostensibly wrong with Mr. Mashiro's photos. They are nice, and look 'cool', but is that enough? One must ask one's self not just: is it nice looking, will they appreciate in monetary value (which for most collectors the questioning stops there), but are these photos works of art? I fear the answer to this question is 'probably not'. They are rather conversation pieces masquerading as art. They may serve a purpose looking interesting yet blending in the décor in a trendy studio apartment, much like a wall hanging from a higher end interior decorating shop would. _

Daizai annotates: AT LEAST NOT A POSTER FROM IKEA RIGHT?

_For that facile quality, they probably will make adequate sales, so I congratulate Mr. Mashiro for achieving a most likely commercially viable formula. _

Daizai: GEE THANKS.

_However one photography "__Love's Shadow__" did strike my attention, as a fairly impressive piece. It could be even described as 'haunting' . If one had to choose one of 's works , in spite of its cumbersome scale and size, that would (not to pun) but by default be it. Of course, this piece quickly sold . But I wonder who to?_

Daizai : YOU GOT ME THERE

_More interesting than the work itself (as the work in general was not that interesting) was the atmosphere of excitement surrounding the show and the various celebrity guests that made an appearance. It just so happens that our budding new photographer has been the long time beau of flamboyant pop singer Shuichi Shindou of __Bad Luck__. Though it may seem below this esteemed publication to bring up that up, it seems necessary to do so._

Daizai: YES. HOW ELSE WOULD THE WORLD KNOW THAT FLAMBOYANT POPSTARS ARE MY TYPE IF NOT FOR THIS ESTEEMED PUBLICATION ? ( ALSO SORRY ABOUT YOU BEING CALLED FLAMBOYANT SHU… BUT YOU ARE PRETTY DAMN FLAMBOYANT. ITS SO SEXY THOUGH)

_It begs the question __i__f this young gentleman wasn't attached to such a 'popular' figure , would Mr. Mashiro be of any interest to anyone ? I do not have the answer, yet the question remains. _

Danzai: DOES IT REALLY?

_One tires of having these arbitrary self-declared and self-indulgent 'artists' or as I called them 'artsy-tists" rule the roost though their personal connections and by doing so draw attention away from more interesting or talented and unique contemporaries._

Danzai: OH HO HO, LIKE WHO I WONDER? SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS GUY HAS A ACUTE CASE OF 'FAILED ARTIST SYNDROME' . ONE TIRES OF SELF DECLARED CRITICS TOO SPOILING ALL OUR ARTYS-NESS SELF-INDULGENCE. ALSO NICE NEW WORD DIPSHIT_._

_Do not get me wrong! Daizai Mashiro is not a bad photographer by any degree. Maybe he would be more interesting to me if he was in fact a bad artist! I would have more to write about in this column. Sadly, he is perhaps merely a representative for a point that I am trying to make about a pattern frankly I am tired of seeing. Another so and so's friend or lover. Another artist of dubious talent. And yes, yet another "photographer". _

Under that Daizai wrote : MAN. HOPE THE GUY DIDN'T FEEL THE NEED TO HOLD BACK

Shuichi cringes. While Daizai , through his notes, tried to make sarcastic jokes throughout it, that article must have bothered him. The fact that he isn't here speaks to that. Daizai often goes away and works when he's upset.

Shuichi goes to look for his cell phone to call Daizai. As he can't find it, he looks underneath on his seat to see if he was sitting on it . Hissing with frustration, he then looks through the papers again.

At the bottom of the pile there is another print out with its own separate post-it that he didn't see. The post it says:

THOUGHT THIS MIGHT INTEREST YOU WITH WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EIRI YUKI'S BOOKS THAT TIME LOVE D

This print out is of an article completely unrelated to Daizai's show.

* * *

The date of the article is from thirteen years ago, and the publication is from the now defunct and then well-known gay publication Out Magazine.

Apparently Eiri was also on the cover of this magazine, under the headline: _We Get Romantic with Eiri Yuki! _

The cover photo of is Eiri in a suit, standing with one hand on the back of his neck. There is a cigarette in his ever so slightly curved lips. His expression is intensely thoughtful, wry and knowing. Smoke swirls around his hair and ear piercing in attractive wisps and spirals. On the side page the article titled "_All the World Loves a Lover_" begins:

_In this issue of __**Out Magazine**__, we talk to the man who has written some of the most psychologically and emotionally intense romantic books in recent times, but who himself proclaims "love is not a necessary emotion" and is notorious for his cool , laconic and non-emotive exterior . I (bright and bubbly Out Magazine correspondent Magobei Motoori) was lucky enough to get the chance to get personal, political, and romantic with the mysterious, talented, handsome and contradictory cover man Eiri Yuki._

_When I meet , he's crossed (and very longed) legged and as always, smoking a cigarette. _

_**MM: **__We're so happy you did this interview with us Mr,Yuki! It's your first interview with us, and your first interview with any "alternative lifestyle" publication, is that correct?_

_**EY: **__Yes it is. I am glad to be here._

_**MM: **__No the pleasure is all ours! To be truthful, we were worried that you might change your mind Mr. Yuki! _

_**EY: **__Why would I have done that._

_**MM: **__Ha!After an interview with me, you might ask yourself afterwards why you didn't! So lets jump right into it! You are a very prolific and critically acclaimed writer, both here and internationally, who has written over twenty books, including short stories for various literary publications as well works that have been adapted into successful plays. _

_**EY: … **__and? _

_**MM: **__And yes …and your work has featured and addressed gender issues and homosexual or bisexual themes and relationships in the past!You have been credited with bringing "queer romance" literature into the mainstream and the younger generation, and paving the way for other Japanese authors of diverse sexualities. Some of these books notably include __**The Bitterness of Absence , **__a romance between two supposedly heterosexual young men, __**Dream Portrait**__a lesbian love story about a brilliant yet tortured painter and her alluring model, __**Tortured Silhouettes **__a tragic tale about a widow and a secret gay lover grieving over the death of the same man, __**Sex in the Ice **__which is story of a hysterical woman's sexual obsession with her icily cold psychiatrist and her husband, and its sequel __**The Serpent in the Snow**__. Let us not forget the smoldering __**A Drop of Sugar **__too (which won sexiest book of the year in Modern Woman's magazine and was adapted into a play for the London stage that controversially featured male nudity) about two troubled men who fall in love with the same woman and whose dangerous rivalry spurs a scandalous erotic contest to see who can be the best and most adventurous lover- one contest includes them making love to each other! Let us not forget the unforgettable __**The Human Wall **__about a non-wealthy interracial homosexual couple's struggle to start a family despite discrimination , cultural misunderstandings, and their personal problems, and the short story included in a "Modern Fantasies' anthology that you wrote; __**A Vision of Pleasure **__about a woman who , unable to find the man she secretly fantasizes about, then seeks herself to 'become' that man and seduce women like herself for her own private pleasure. Your latest novel __**The Seventh Sex **__features a pansexual male protagonist whose own gender identity can be described as fluid . Lets talk about some of them! _

Next to this paragraph, there is a photo of two Caucasian men-one pale and blonde, one tanned and brunette, vigorously kissing each other on a unmade bed (one shirtless with a pair of pants on, the other completely bare with his back facing the camera), against a black backdrop with the caption that reads : Mark Mumford and Ian Stone sweeten up the stage in the London stage adaptation of "A Drop of Sugar"

_For example, in __**The Bitterness of Absence**__-(one of my absolute favorite books of all time by the way), If you don't mind me being direct, were the two main boy characters gay all along? _

_**EY: **__I don't mind your directness. In fact, I find it refreshing. In the description of the work, many critics and book sellers described __**The Bitterness of Absence **__as a story about an intense "friendship" or "brotherhood" as if it were merely just that, so it is good to hear the work acknowledged plainly for what it is. Certainly the novel was about friendship and brotherhood of a sort ,but to put it as if it were only so , negates the entire crux of the story . _

_**MM: **__Which is, may I ask ?_

_**EY: **__To oversimplify perhaps, it can be said to be the posing of several question. For example what is the boundary between friendship, sexual attraction, and love? What is the nature of absence and how does it function in a relationship or within an individual? What are the components of sexual and emotional attraction, and how does one's past traumas, possible experiences with violence and sense of loss create the dynamics of obsession, possessiveness and fear? How do these factors and propensities interplay in the direction our lives take, in the decisions we make about who we want to be?_

_**MM: **__Woah. That doesn't sound like an over-simplification to me . Maybe we need to answer one question at a time!_

_**EY: **__Then let me answer your earlier question, it is possible that the two male protagonists were gay or had bi-curious tendencies before their relationship, as it is possible to go through life and be unaware of one's own desires until circumstance permits them to reveal themselves, although I would rather leave that particular issue open to the reader's interpretation. _

_**MM: **__As I saw it, Takashi and Okubata saw in each other what they could not find in anyone else. Am I right? _

_**EY: **__There is no right or wrong answer here._

_**MM: **__I'll just say that I am right then! I was so hoping they would get together at the end! I was heartbroken that they didn't'! Why?! Why did you torment us like that Mr. Yuki? _

_**EY: **__I apologize if I have done so. That was not my intention._

_**MM: **__Apology accepted. So really, why? Was it simply because they were two boys that they couldn't share a life with each other?_

_**EY: **__In a sense, but I prefer to think it was more complex than that. It could have been their own immaturity, insecurity and along with the fear of the social consequences to blame for their eventual separation. Remember these two men were so young, vulnerable, troubled and the realization of their sexual difference amongst their other issues was only further psychologically endangering to them at that point. Furthermore, the boy's dependence and obsession with one another was not necessarily conducive to a realistic long term relationship; especially as Takashi was so domineering over Okubata and they had so much individual problems on their own. _

_**MM: **__But that doesn't discount their feelings as… unreal or simply a byproduct of their own dysfunction ,does it not?_

_**EY: **__Certainly not. One could applaud the fact that the two men were capable of such a strong and authentic connection for a little while at least , despite their personal struggles. That and it is true that in art and life, intimacy and understanding can often arise and be cultivated where it before could not be considered, or anticipated._

Shuichi skips ahead in the article.

_**MM: **__Mr. Yuki , do you consider yourself an activist? _

_**EY: **__I consider myself a writer_

_**MM: **__I mean, do you see the political implications in your work? One progressive university abroad has even added a translation of your book __**The Human Wall **__as part of their reading curriculum of post-modern cross-cultural gender studies! _

_**EY: **_(_Lighting another cigarette) I was not aware of that. I suppose that is their choice, though it was never intended for that purpose. _

_**MM: **__Especially your latest work __**The Seventh Sex **__which was just nominated for Acclaimed Romance Book of the Year. Gender theorist Keitaro Kakinomoto (who occasionally has written articles for us) called the book "A bleakly brilliant and scathing satire on erotic politics, and the power dynamics that construct class, age and gender roles". Others have claimed the book as a deliberate effort to court controversy and a shock to the romance genre. Another literary critic Ikuko Koshin said of you "Eiri Yuki 's willingness to takes risk makes him the 'coolest, bad boy of the romance world" Do you agree with these views?_

_**EY: **__I see the creation and reading of a novel foremost as a personal experience. Yet political topics are unavoidable as they do often manifest themselves in our personal lives. Of course there is an aspect of the political in my novels , if the astute reader is apt to see it but the novel can simply also function as a work of literature for the casual reader's enjoyment. Of course, I would like my work to have some reaction with my readers, but not necessarily that of shock . For me , what I do is never consciously meant to provoke and be controversial. Taking risks is simply an aspect of what the work requires. If one is not willing to take risks, one has no place in an artistic field. As for being a … I must excuse the term, 'bad boy', how can taking risks be considered bad'? We cannot accept or validate one kind of experience or claim certain subjects as "off-limits because people may disagree with it. If there's principle at stake or something important to be discussed, I don't think that should be considered an issue. As for saying I'm "cool" such a term implies that what I write is an primarily an image conscious decision which it isn't. Furthermore, its occludes the issue. It's a matter of integrity not 'coolness". Artists should not hesitate to challenge preconceived notions or approach the subjects that truly matter to people whether they be considered shocking or not._

The next photo is a more candid shot, most likely a paparazzi shot that by being blown up looks very artistic. In this shot it is raining. Eiri looks stylish and urban in a long black coat and scarf and is walking down the street, head bowed and an umbrella over his head. He looks away as if avoiding the gaze of someone. You see what he is avoiding as on the other side of the street, there are a gang of his young female fans beaming and pointing and gawking at him from under an awning.

_**MM: **__So can we talk a little about __**The Seventh Sex**__? Although I absolutely loved the book, I would like to ask you about it, as I found it rather difficult to read it. _

_**EY: **__You're not the only one I heard._

_**MM: **__Yes, I heard that too! But if I may… I'll give a brief synopsis for those who haven't read it and those who might want to read it. _

_So __**The Seventh Sex **__is about a biologically male protagonist Xavier Yasukazu or cleverly XY for short. He's named after Xavier Park in Kagoshima as that is their home town. His father is a traditional business man and his mother is a traditional homemaker. Despite the rigidity of these gender roles of his household. XY actually feels genderless inside. For example, growing up, XY secretly puts on male and female clothes interchangeably and feels no different. He put on make up simply because he finds it attractive on the whole but not because he feels more feminine in it. XY is also attracted to boys and girls , although he can't envision himself in a relationship with them because being as gender fluid as he is , he cannot see himself in one consistent role as being their "boyfriend " or girlfriend'_

_XY realizes this is not safe to tell people, as when he confesses this fact to his mother, she cries hysterically, and begs him not to tell his father. _

_Interestingly too, everyone in his family is stressed and miserable trying to live up to their own strict specific gender roles. The father , being a traditional ' distant father' is constantly angry and lives unhealthily because the pressure of being the breadwinner. Since he feels never able to show weakness, he tries to dominate everyone and still never feels manly enough. His mother feels sad, bullied and ignored by their father and by men in general. His sister obsessively starves and primps herself to try to fit an unattainable image of feminine beauty and acts helpless and unintelligent to garner male attention, even though she's very capable and bright. This startles XY and confuses him. Why is everyone trying so hard to be something they are not if it makes them all so unhappy?_

_XY attempts to hide this fact of his inner gender flexibility through his childhood . This need to observe others and conceal himself teaches him about the absurdity of life and he develops a wicked sense of humor. XY also learns to be resilient and be fast on his feet, as XY is actually very clever and not (in his dry opinion) "not all that bad looking" . Though he gets good at hiding his true self, but he feels very isolated and lonely . Occasionally too his façade slips and or he finds people who suspect him and become angry or afraid about it. He gets bullied every so often._

_But finally, he finds one person who accepts him for his true self. His best childhood friend Taura . Taura becomes his hero and his most ardent supporter. Taura is slightly older than him and is a free spirited and active tomboy with a strong sense of justice. Actually, the first time they meet, Taura rescues XY from some other kids who are chasing him to beat him up (while he's running away from them , she pulls him into a safe place to hide until they're gone) and then later defends him from them. They become inseparable. XY and Taura love to talk and talk about everything together. When he very nervously confesses about his genderlessness , Taura tells him. "So what! It doesn't change anything. I don't care what you are as long as you're happy. And who cares if you're male or female or whatever, as long as you're a good person. Most importantly, as long as you remain my friend too."__XY and Taura also explore nature together and people watch, and even play dress up- they play prince and princesses and husband and wife together, in all variations, dressed in their reversed outfits! By the way, I adore the character of Taura. She's like the best friend we all wish we had! Sadly, Taura ends up having to move away with her family, and XY is left all alone again. _

_Anyways, when his father eventually does find XY's gender ambiguous tendencies, he is outraged and chases XY out of the house. Having no other option, XY escapes to the big city and begins a life of a jigglo and prostitute amongst other odd jobs such as delivery boy and con-artist, pool hustling or whatever he can find. XY changes his name to the sexy street name to Xavier X or XX._

_The novel charts XX's struggle to survive in the dangerous world of being a teenage prostitute at the fringes of society to a more wealthier but still dubious living. As a teenage runaway without money, or education (as he never finishes high school) and so unique in his sexuality, he realizes he can never make space for himself in a normal mainstream life. XX is always living on the edge, evading attacks for his appearance (at one point he does dye his hair purple and puts it into spikes as a joke so he can truly look like a street 'urchin') or encountering discrimination, and having to live by his wits. Initially, this causes our hero a lot of anger and anguish. Then later, XX , true to his resiliency and gutsy sense of humor, starts to be roll with the punches, and then embraces it. It becomes a point of invigorating roguish pride for him to be a " punk" and "gender outlaw". "Hey, at least life's never boring". Becomes XX motto, well that and "Don't let the fuckers get you down." Haha! I think that might become my motto too! _

_In fact, in one scene XX is cruising on the street, one john (a salary-man who looks like a real square) fumblingly asks XX what he is "boy or girl ." (This is my favorite part of the book by the way) XX flirts and circles around him and even starts to plays with the business man's tie and replies tartly "I'm whatever I want to be baby, and I can be whatever you want to. Just look at me, and open your mind to all possibilities because you're looking at the truth and the light and the future don't you know? I'm not like the others who are busying believing in their dress up. They're way behind, I'm way advanced. They're closed in and all they want do is close you in too. But me? I got room for days. I got space and breadth. Most of all, I'm never boring. I'm way beyond your own little petty "this" and "that". Baby, I'm not the first sex or the second sex, or the third sex, or even the fourth."_

"_What are you then." The business man asks him nervously. _

_He tells the man with a wink and drag of his cigarette." Why, Like there are seven heavens. Why, I'm the motherfucking seventh sex honey!" _

_Ofcourse after that, the john takes him home! _

_The novel also charts seven specific 'romantic' relationships XX from different genders roles and sexualities that he assumes with different partners at certain stages of his life. _

_Amongst turning tricks, XX dates a transgender girl Lily(who is also a fellow prostitute who was kicked out of her home for her gender identity) . Lily ,because of her family's rejection, her turbulent background (her parents would beat her to try and 'correct' her back into being a boy and she was severely bullied and sexually harassed at school) and her life of prostitution, is troubled . Though also born male, Lily demands XX be masculine as that is what she is attracted to. As XX loves her, he tries to play along. That and caring for her, and not wanting Lily to prostitute herself anymore, XX tries to support both of them himself . For a short period, he manages to do both. But later, desperate to become the woman she knows she was born to be, Lily demands XX make more money so she can buy the necessary hormones and have the surgeries for her sex change. She also demands he be the perfect boyfriend to her. As XX tries but despite his best efforts he can't do either. Lily becomes very disappointed and angry, even crying hysterically and kicking XX out of the dive they live in together by throwing all his clothes and things at him. XX begs for her to take him back and she does, but this time Lily starts prostituting herself again behind his back order to get the money to reach her XX finds out, he is devastated. Also not being ever able to play the 'butch boyfriend' role to her satisfaction and the trust between them broken , the relationship ends much to both their heartbreak. Later XX hears Lily dies of a drug overdose. He feels responsible for 's relationship one._

_XX afterwards dates a straight boy, a bit of rough dockworker called Doi presenting himself as a more of a "woman" this time. This does not end well as when Doi finds out XX isn't female and about his sex-work, he savagely beats XX up. Strangely later the dockworker(who still has feelings for XX) still sees XX and tries to pretend he's female, while knowing he isn't. XX, who feels guilty for misleading Doi and who has low self-esteem at this point (because of the death of Lily) , goes along with it. Meanwhile Doi also having low self-esteem himself (he hates the fact that he's a dockworker with no other opportunities) while being confused about their relationship and having misogynistic and homophobic tendencies, treats him XX badly. The dysfunction escalates. Doi takes out his work frustration and the abuse he suffers from his boss on XX and becomes outright physically and emotionally abusive. Doi often beats and criticizes XX for not being enough of a woman for him, for being ' out' , 'flamboyant' and 'faggy' and a ' whore', until it gets so bad, XX has to fight for his life, even having to stab the dockworker in the leg. XX having no choice, runs away from Doi. That's relationship two. _

_Relationship three, XX dates a woman Wakuri, a clean cut retail buyer who is a works in an mid to high range fashion boutique , but has other aspirations too. XX presents himself as more of a "woman" again too as Wakuri (though is sexually bisexual) identifies herself as a lesbian, as though she can 'bring herself' to sleep with men for her own ends, she finds it disgusting and unpleasant. Wakuri only is emotionally and physically satisfied by other women. Ironically Wakuri also feels as if somehow obfuscating or betraying her lesbian identity by seeing XX, someone who is still technically a 'man', although as a ambitious woman desperate not to slip lower on the societal or professional ladder in a patriarchal society , she makes great efforts to conceal that true sexuality from mostly everyone around her. Sometimes she even has XX dress as her boyfriend in order to maintain her straight image when they meet her circle of straight friends. Wakuri also feels conflicted as when she finds out about XX's sex-work background, she pretends to accept it, though being quite conventional , she actually feels unnerved and repulsed about it (despite the fact she has done similar things in the past such as sleep with men to benefit her career) She still refuses to tell how she honestly feels or break up with him. Wakuri is similarly two faced in every aspect of her life, she despises her boss but makes efforts to suck up to him, She pretends to adore her friends and family but resents them secretly. Wakuri pretends to be progressive and claims herself to be a lover of women, but likewise ultimately caves into societal pressure and struggles with internalized misogynistic tendencies, complaining about other women and lesbians in particular, calling them 'stupid' 'whores', 'sluts' and saying how she is better than they are because they act so openly 'gay' while as she can pass for straight(she is very proud of this fact). Meanwhile with some of her lesbian friends, Wakuri in order to fit better with them acts overtly ''gay' in order to compensate for the fact that she's dating XX who is a man (she makes him dress ultra -femininely in that situation) . XX initially empathetic to her situation gradually becomes exasperated and repulsed by this woman's hypocrisy, not in or out of the closest, not willing to stay or leave at her place of work , not loyal to anyone or even loyal to herself (sneeringly calling her the true spirit of the yuppie class!) ends that relationship. _

_Relationship four is actually two relationships , happening simultaneously and are in the same vein. XX calls these relationships "Mama" and "Daddy" _

_XX, during his odd jobs, becomes the 'house boy/ assistant' or rather the secret kept lover-boy of obscenely wealthy domineering financier Yoshikazu who is twice his age, or his "Daddy". _

_Yoshikazu is gay, but is married and has children for image reasons - coming from a different generation, and being in the corporate world, the financier believes he has to be perceived as 'straight' and 'hyper masculine' in order to succeed, so he plays the part, (although his alcoholic wife knows about it and is compensated handsomely for her role of presentable wife and broodmare, along with her cooperation and silence). Also Yoshikazu had children to produce heirs as per the expectation of his patriarchal father and also in order to compete with his other siblings and their children for their father's approval. _

_Secretly, XX is worried about the instability of that relationship, as while his "Daddy" is handsome, suave and generous , because of his high-pressure job and life style and contentious relationship with his rest of his family , Yoshikazu is very volatile, controlling, and unpredictable. _

_Liking to hedge his bets, XX also secretly sees an sophisticated wealthy older married woman Yawara or Mama as her "dance instructor" on the side. Hilariously enough XX gets the gig even though he doesn't know how to dance. During his audition, XX improvises some crazy "strip tease" dance on the spot just to get the job. Yawara (who is in her sophistication, is usually chronically bored) finds this so comical she laughs so hard until she cries. Yawara tells him it's the most she laughed in years and hires him immediately. XX becomes her new boy toy and companion and 'purse carrier'. Because of his charming ways, XX becomes a source of amusement for her and a confidant . Also XX finds out Yawara despite her wealth is lonely and unhappy. She has no true friends as all they are so narcissistic, cold , and untrustworthy (like she is) . XX realizes the only way she has friends is by paying for them. Yawara being rich doesn't work so and when she does do charity work it is only for the greater glory for herself. She is trapped in a loveless marriage as she married her husband (who is also a philanderer with his own 'dance instructor') for his money. Much to her and her husband's disappointment, she also only ever had had daughters (who about the same age as he is) and has strained relationship with them besides, so she likes to dotes on XX because he is like the son she never had. In fact she even affectionately calls him 'my silly boy", "my sweet fool" "my lovely little son' ._

_These older lovers support XX very well, and teach him about the finer things, and give presents and opportunities which lead to his later "success" as an underground dealer in forged art and antiquities. In that way, Yawara and Yoshikazu truly are like a mother and father to him. But , obviously the inequality of the relationship is far too extreme for it to be truly 'love', and because of their massive age and class difference, they really nothing in common. XX grows to resent the both of them. Yawara's idleness, materialism, and her vanity and Yoshikazu 's insatiable greed, his debased nature and pathological need to control others disgusts XX. XX hates how, despite how generous they are to those suck up to them, how distant they are to their own families who they treat like their employees. His Mama and Daddy they feel they have the right to treat their servants like they're sub-human just because they pay them. XX also hates how his Mama and Daddy have the audacity to complain about the pains of being wealthy while thoughtlessly spending what other people fight or ruin their whole lives to get . Infact XX discovers that the cost of one Yoshikazu's bottle of wine (that Yoshikazu swigs down like soda) and one of Yawara's new fur coats (that she only uses once then never uses again), alone could have paid for one of Lily's surgeries! XX becomes bitter and furious even calling them and their rich friends "Nothing but wicked cannibals, depraved fools and grotesque spoilers of life ! ". XX even starts secretly stealing from both of them and in true Robin Hood like fashion gives some shares of his spoils to his prostitute friends. He tires of being "Daddy's whipping boy" and "Mama's clown jester", telling himself "its time for me to grow up" but in the mean time, fueled by contempt, he tries to use them both all he can to his advantage. _

_Later Yoshikazu and Yawara, find out about each other and his stealing, and that ends the arrangement. . _

_Relationship five, XX now more successful himself, becomes the 'older man' lover to a much younger gay transgendered man Junji. He supports Junji and his dream of being a aspiring pianist. Unfortunately Junji, being so young, is very sensitive and insecure about his own talents and about everything else. Junji identifies himself as male without the use of surgery or hormones, although he wears a binder and male clothing. However Junji still needs constant reassurance from XX, not only that he is 'really' a man , but that he's good looking or smart enough, and that he is really is talented at piano after all . XX finds that he feels uncomfortable being 'in charge' and constantly having to reassure someone. Furthermore, the more XX tries to help, the more Junji's insecurity worsens, until it becomes an burden on him that are hard for them both to bear. At one point, Junji , desperate to please XX, even says he'll pretend to be a woman for XX if it will make XX like him better and continue to support him financially. XX is horrified at that and ends up feeling more constantly worried in a paternal way to Junji than like a lover . Later he finds out Junji has been cheating on him with someone his own age and own station. XX however does not feel upset, feeling this is ultimately what is best for Junji. He ends the relationship with the transgendered man, but gives Junji his blessing and some money to begin his pianist career. _

_The sixth relationship XX is in, is a ménage a tois with a glamorous and amoral bisexual couple (of the same age) with ties in the underworld. They who take him traveling with them and together they have many hedonist adventures -" _

_Ok, okay, I'll stop myself here because I'm giving the whole book away! I'm sorry, couldn't help it… but if I tell people any more, they won't go out and buy it! Sorry readers! Buy the book! Read it for yourself, and find out if __**The Seventh Sex**__has the signature Eiri Yuki tragic ending!_

_**EY: **__I think they can venture a guess. _

_**MM: **__Anyways thank you for writing this brilliant, gorgeous and daring book. I loved every word of it and I have to say the erotic scenes were sizzling ! __**The Seventh Sex **__better win that book award or we at __**Out **__will demand justice ! _

_**EY: **__Let us hope that will not be necessary._

There are a several questions about **The Seventh Sex**, but Shuichi , haven't not read the book, reads further ahead again.

_**MM: **__You yourself Mr. Yuki, are openly bisexual. Do realize how that how has made you a sex symbol, not only to your heterosexual female fans, but in the LBGTQ community as well? _

_**EY:**__ I don't find that germane to my literary work but thank you for saying that._

_**MM: **__But surely you must know how your being open about your sexuality has gotten you many loyal and adoring fans with us, by that I mean the LGBTQ community! I still remember watching you come out on television, and cheering you on because it gave me the bravery to be honest about who I was… So thank you. Know always, your fans like me have your back Mr Yuki… and maybe your front too, whatever you prefer! Oh my everyone! Look I made Eiri Yuki smile by saying that!_

_**EY: **__Ahem. Getting back to the subject, I am appreciative of anyone who takes the time to read my works, although I don't think my sexual activities should be a reason for people to either decide to read or not to read them. I would rather people respond to what I write and not to me, but regardless, if my being open and honest about my own orientation has allowed people feel more comfortable about themselves or created room for a dialogue, I am glad to have played a part however small. Clearly, the assumption that people are automatically heterosexual until proven otherwise or must be perceived as heterosexual to appeal to a mass audience , must end. That and as an artist and a human being, I will always advocate the right for individual dignity, personal freedom and embracing the entirety of a person. I believe the right to self- expression is key to this embracing and to this dignity._

On this page there is a photo of Eiri in glasses a podium in what looks like a big auditorium. The caption reads "Eiri Yuki reads a preview of his latest book at an international annual literary conference."

_**MM: **__Your work is very tragic! Certainly I've cried many times after a finishing your novels. The theme of failure, violence and early death often permeates through out as well. One critic called the your work 'excruciating' and 'outlandishly unhealthful' and another said 'one should not read Mr. Yuki's books if one wants any chance for happiness in their life" So why is that?_

_**EY: **__To that I respond ; my work is fiction. In my work, I concentrate more on the personal effects of these tragic incidences on the characters ,more than the 'outlandish' aspects of these said incidents. That and what I write is certainly no more outlandish, excruciating or 'unhealthful' to what unfortunately many people endure, are subjected to, or they themselves perpetrate on a daily basis. So the matters of which I write about are not necessarily about perpetuating 'misery' but mostly what I address and contend with is conflict, which is, to me, is at the essence of most things. What concerns me is the struggle to survive, and not merely in a subsistence way. What interests me is how the integrity of the self and the qualities of innocence, compassion, dignity and happiness can happen to survive in the opposition of trauma, discrimination and the brute reality of circumstance, and how, in many cases, they do not. As a writer, I cannot ignore or close my eyes to the realities that many of us are confronted with , as compared to the ideals with which we hold of we'd like to think of others and ourselves.  
_

_**MM: **__Well… I guess you could say the silver lining is suffering makes for exciting art though yes?_

_**EY: **__Yes, but I personally would rather have more unexciting art for less suffering. I don't believe in the silver lining. _

_**MM**__: So you don't think you are romanticizing suffering?_

_**EY:**_ _Whether or not I do it_, _it is not my aim. Although much art that features suffering tends to be more harrowing and challenging, the real experience of pain is usually quite brutal, private and isolating. We should always keep this in mind. An attempt to depict something is not necessarily to dignify it, or idealize it or imbue it with profound meaning, but perhaps there is no other way it can be comprehended by some._

_**MM: **__So are you saying your stories are .. meaningless? _

_**EY: **__No, I'm saying that some may like to fixate on the display and image of sadness with a romantic bias but to actually suffer is a whole different matter. Perhaps people romanticize pain because they don't understand or respect it. For them it is the image , not the pain itself they identify with or fantasize about or shallowly relate their own personal issues with._

_**MM: **__Like… in the same way that many people who use the term "Romeo and Juliet' when they haven't even read the play, or ever been in love like that? _

_**EY: **__(sighs) Sure. Why not.. if that analogy makes sense to you. For me suffering of all kinds is something that happens and have lasting repercussions which my novels seek to explore. As we don't romanticize a bodily illness or a instance such as one's house falling down … why should would we romanticize emotional pain, mental illness, or someone's extreme distress or disenfranchisement also ? _

_So no, I don't admire pain, or revel in misfortune. I rather value someone's resiliency, ability to cope and articulate what they are experiencing in an honest way. _

_**MM: **__I see__**. **__Then why not write … more positive things? I mean wouldn't that make the world better too to give people hope and a sunnier outlook? Why not write a happier ending for once?_

_**EY: **__As a writer it is my duty and it is my honor to try and seek truth and express it best as I possibly can, not to give people 'a sunnier outlook'. Another person's outlook cannot be my responsibility. If I wrote in another way I feel it would be a disservice and furthermore, it would be dishonest . That and I find that a happy ending is usually is what is expected. _

_**MM: **__Not from you!_

_**EY: **__Yes. I am an reverse exception I suppose. But even if it weren't expected at me at this point of my career, I still believe that I would write in the same way. Speaking for myself, I don't think the endings of my books seemed forced or gratuitous. There's a certain trajectory that the characters must traverse. I merely follow it to the furthermost point. _

_**MM: **__So will you ever write a happy ending?_

_**EY: **__Perhaps. Most likely not, but only time will tell there. If I do, it won't likely be 'happy' in the way that most people think. Nevertheless, I always appreciate those who take risks with their art, or do the unexpected._

_**MM: **__Would you consider yourself a romantic man?_

_**EY: **__No. _

_**MM: **__Then may I ask does it offend you to be called a romance novelist? You are so much more than that I think. Many would agree with me! _

_**EY: **__I am certainly a novelist, but what kind of one I am is up to my audience to decide. It is peculiar that somehow the term romance precedes everything though. You hardly never hear of a 'romance painter' except in a historical sense. In these categories, the genre precedes the work itself, as if it can be called the medium. To say a romance implies there is a certain set of tools you use and a tradition you work can be linked to. In the middle ages, the term romance was used for any type of adventure story and was usually written in verse. In the western tradition, obviously the romance as we think of it now can be delineated back to the Jane Austen and Bronte Sister novels, and many others, including H.G Wells, Victor Hugo, etc. etc. They can be also said to be a corruption of the dime novel or the regency novels of the 18__th__ century. In the Japanese tradition, the romance novel as we know it today, can be traced back much earlier, to over a thousand years ago- in texts like __**The Tale of Genji **__(1000) and the romantic story __**Sumiyoshi Monogatri **__(1200)_

_So no, being called a romance writer doesn't offend me in the slightest. The term "romance" like the terms of any genre are flexible and is constantly redefined. People may call me whatever they wish because they will anyways. If it helps people to call me that or link me to a particular genre, then that is their choice and none of my concern. I simply write. Let others squabble where to put it on the shelf._

(That quote : Being called a romance writer doesn't offend me in the slightest…" is printed in big letters under one of his photos. In this photo Eiri is barefoot, and in a deep v-necked navy blue shirt, that reveals the line of his neck. A book is spread out on his lap, and he is elegantly reclining back in a big leather seat , resting his cheek on one hand, with a penetrating yet languid expression)

_**MM: **__Does your personal life ever inspire your work?_

_**EY: **__I should think by now that my personal life is very separate from my art, in the same way I do not consider myself a romantic man, but I am at large considered a romance writer. I 'm not of the school that all art is confessional or to that an artist should exploit any of personal relationships for "material" , but perhaps unconsciously, people in my personal life may have had some influence in my work at certain points in time, and perhaps the concerns in my artistic life may have coincidently been parallel to the concerns in my personal life also._

_**MM: **__Could you be more specific about that?_

_**EY:**__I could be but I won't. _

_**MM: **__You are married to the gorgeous heiress and model Sonoko Hirata and you have a son together. You just recently had a daughter too? Congratulations! _

_**EY: **__Yes, thank you but I would prefer to keep that aspect of my life private. _

_**MM: **__Ofcourse, we respect your privacy Mr. Yuki! Let me ask you something else. Do you think the role of artists have been romanticized?_

_**EY: **__To a certain degree yes the more successful artists, if you had drawn enough attention to be romanticized then clearly you have become successful. I think to some degree these myths clearly serve societal functions. Artists are often are used as cautionary tales. unfortunately it become an automatic assumption and clichés- … But they are not problematic in of themselves until those assumptions are taken too seriously or they overshadow the artist's art or their artistic statements… if its more about the tragedy or the transgressive nature of their lives as opposed to their overall work and output . If that were so , an artists is just playing a sin-eater or martyr- someone who is expected to bypass societal bounds and pay the price when actually - being an artist is really about making art. That's all it is. _

_**MM: **__And what about the rest? _

_**EY: **__The rest is superfluous really- those aspects most of all. Its not about how one looks like, being a trend setter, or "being an non-conformist" or any of that - although there people who happen to be outsiders who make art - but they are artists because they make art and not for any other reason. For the most part, the role of an artist is a very conventional role. Art serves society and vice versa- even if the art is critical of that society. In fact the art that is most critical of society serves the society the most. Society constructs what an artist is and dictates how they behave and operate just as much as any other system or occupation- the whole consciously attempting to be the rebellious artist is just another way of doing what's expected of you. Furthermore artists who were very rebellious and scandalous in their day are the bedrock of the mainstream now. Usually its just a matter of timing._

_**MM: **__What do you find problematic in the mainstream literary world? _

_**EY: **__A lot of these things in the literary world that bother me, yet I'm part of it. I'm no less guilty than anyone else. I'm complicit in it, and I recognize that I really have no right to complain or comment about it because ultimately I am part of it whether I like or not. It simply what happens when you put yourself out there_

_**MM: **__Do you ever think there's a conflict between good work and commercial work?_

_**EY: **__I think that's a personal decision if people compromise their work to be less than what they think it could be in the hopes that it might sell. But I don't think there's necessarily a conflict between good work and sellable work. It just means there's a different audience for it out there. _

_**MM: **__Any advice to other artists or writers?_

_**EY: **__I think sometimes to give advice can be considered a form of meddling, isn't it? But if you must… Everyone has their path so don't bother looking towards other people's. Keep trying. Trust your gut. This is advice to everyone really. If you are unhappy in a situation, you probably have right to be. _

_Also research. Knowing your predecessors is helpful as it is to experience more- reading books is a good thing for anyone whether you are a dancer or a writer or sculptor or musician, no matter what field you're in , obtaining knowledge isn't bad. And in general : indulge yourself but not at the expense of other people- not at least the ones you care about . Be understanding if possible, as much as you possibly can. Sometimes we act in disagreeable ways, but we can't always blame ourselves. We all have to allow our occasional weaknesses._

_**MM: **__But what weaknesses could you have ? _

_**EY: **__I have the same weaknesses that everyone else has. _

_**MM: **__So why make art, or write if you're not different in your own so very humble opinion ?__Don't you think you're particularly creative? Your books are so interesting and out there!_

_**EY: **__No. I don't consider myself to be creative. I just say what I think. If most of us said what we thought we probably would all be considered "creative" or so you call it. I could say I write and some people don't so I became an novelist. I could say the opportunity simply arose and so I took it. There's a lot of reasons but they don't particularly mean anything. There's no difference between an artist and another human being, Most likely the key to being creative is just to look harder, listen closely and forget nothing. Us artists probably don't know anything different than anyone else, and like everyone else, we are struggling to make our way and understand what is happening outside and within us . The art is most often just the product of this struggle, or a choice to turn what might have been an weakness into a strength. _

The next photo is purely a glamour photo . This one is of Eiri, staring intensely into the camera, in dark pants, and his dark crimson shirt unbuttoned nearly the whole way down on his chest, one hand appearing to be unbuttoning the next button.

_**MM: **__That sounds pessimistic doesn't it? _

_**EY: **__Not to me. Just because it's a struggle that you can't enjoy it or find companionship or that's its all in vain. Sometimes it can quite rewarding. But other times - it isn't. _

_**MM: **__What is happiness in your opinion?_

_**EY: **__What is this? A self-help meeting?_

_**MM:**__A self help meeting with Eiri Yuki! That would be a dream come true!_

_**EY: **__I won't ask what kind of dream. If I knew what happiness was as I couldn't tell it to anybody simply because it wouldn't mean anything to them. Once again it is personal matter and something you have to discover for yourself. For some people its their families, or their work or their hobbies, or being accepted by others or by themselves. It seems that for most people define happiness as perpetually living in a state of 'before' … or the possible 'after.' Some other believe that the search for happiness is illusionary. It will find you or not at all_

_**MM: **__Did happiness find you? I mean if spite of your very sad books. _

_**EY: (**__After a pause) Yes. It has. In spite of what some might call my very sad books, I am a very content man. Though I may have never been able to find happiness in my novels…I can say that I am fortunate enough to have finally found happiness in my life. _

_Eiri Yuki then smiles mysteriously. _

When Shuichi finally takes gets around taking another sip of his coffee, it has gotten cold.

* * *

"Daizai!"

"Yeah?" Daizai storms in, hands in his pockets. He slides his camera bag sloppily onto the sofa. He carries the aura of cigarette smell like a force field around him. (Daizai only smokes when he works as it helps him think.)

"Baby why weren't you picking up your phone? I've been trying to call you for two hours." Shuichi stands up and asks worriedly. "Where are you? I missed you this morning."

"I told you, I was working Shu. I saw the light was good so I went out. Then it got cloudy." Daizai eyes him irritably . "So I came back."

"That's no excuse not to pick up!"

"Yeah well, you know how I get."

"Yeah. I do know. That's why I wanted to call you. Shuichi asks. "How are you feeling about everything? About the reviews?"

Daizai is silent.

"I feel fine." The photographer shrugs.

"Just fine? Shuichi cries. "The response to your first show was overwhelming positive. I mean amazing even . You were so happy when you sold those pieces a few days ago. You should be even more ecstatic now!"

"Yeah I should but I'm just holding all this ecstasy inside." Daizai rolls his eyes and walks towards the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower."

Shuichi follows him. "Daizai. I think should talk about this."

"Uh oh. I know what that means. Just let me take a shower first. I don't want to talk to you smelling like a bus stop. "

Shuichi commands. "Wait. Take the hands out of your pockets."

"Why. You want to inspect if my fingernails are dirty?" Daizai asks dryly. "Or see if I have been dipping my fingers in any pies on windowsills?"

"Just do it Daizai!"

"Begrudgingly, Daizai takes them out of his pockets.

Daizai's hands , though wrapped in stretchy gauze, have reddish stains seeping through them.

Shuichi gasps.

Daizai sighs. "I just spent some time today getting re-familiarized with barbed wire."

Shuichi croaks. "Daizai."

"Well actually, no." Daizai attempts a smile. " It called my mother a name so I had to teach it a lesson and bend it all out of shape."

"That's …not funny Daizai! " Shuichi stammers. " Oh my god. I told you not to do that anymore!"

"Yes you did, but you can't instruct me how to do my work, and what I did this morning was for my work." Daizai explains patiently. "I was taking more photos in the same style as I did of Bound Judgment. "

" You know how I feel about that photo! I think its awful and scary!" Shuichi erupts.

"And that's alright. I know that. I wouldn't expect you to approve of everything I do." Daizai nods curtly. "Its not going to stop me from doing it though."

"I wish it could!" Shuichi cries. "Whatever involves you hurting yourself, I don't want to understand it or approve of it! Its wrong!"

"Heh. God. Look at how you're reacting… you're like my mother- if my mother cared. Now I'm glad I just did my hands today, and not the barbed wire necklace photo that I planned to do later." Daizai snorts. 'Or the underwear one."

"Barbed … oh god. " Shuichi puts his face in his hands.

"The last one was a joke Shu." Daizai mutters.

"Don''t… don't even talk about it at all." Shuichi trembles. "I don't get it… how can you stand there and talk about doing something so terrible like that so nonchalantly?!"

"Its not nonchalantly at all. I'm saying it authoritatively. " Daizai asserts. "Awful or not, it's my concept so I own it. "

"But its crazy! Why do you have to use your own hands for the photo? Couldn't you do your same concept with fake wire?" Shuichi gesticulates wildly, in near tears. " Why couldn't you use fake blood instead?"

"Because I JUST can't!" Daizai snarls, throwing up his wounded hands. "It has to be REAL Shu!

Shuichi swallows.

Daizai cajoles, continuing. "It has to be of my hands because I certainly wouldn't ask someone else to do it. Crazy or not, I am committed to what I do. Don't you see?! My work isn't fun and games to me. Why would I bother taking the photo and why would I ask people to waste their time looking at it , if its just a bunch of fake props and parlor tricks ?" Daizai scoffs bitterly before Shuichi can interject.

"You know that's what I hated about working in fashion photography. All the bullshit. The fucking fraud of it. Everything was just sets, assembly line looking models, tons of make- up and angles and high beamed lighting then photo shopped to make the whole fakery even more fake. You think a little barbed wire around someone's body was scary?! Now all that to me was a real nightmare!"

"Listen, I know you're… very dedicated to your art and you have right to be, but your well-being more important to me then just a photograph." Shuichi says slowly.

"Excuse me?" Daizai raises a brow, and folds his arms across his chest. "What do you mean _just _a photograph?"

"I mean… just one photograph. You know what I mean. I mean there has to be some boundaries Daizai."Shuichi croaks. "I mean… those kind of photographs aren't art! That's just harming yourself…"

"A lot of people would say the same for tattoos, and for body piercing too." Daizai indicates to his tattooed arms and his pierced ears, and eyebrows and nose and tongue.

"But … that's different Daizai." Shuichi moans exasperatedly. "You know it is."

"How is it? Isn't that also for a form of self mutilation for the sake of a artistic ideal?"

"Please. I don't want to get into some intellectual argument about what art is or isn't- I just want to make sure you're okay. "Shuichi grabs him by the wrist. "And I don't mean just your hands either."

"Yeah." Daizai shakes Shuichi off his wrist, then bends his hand. "See? I'm fine. They're my money, I wouldn't ruin them. These babies are just a little torn up….heh." The photographer half-smiles as if in admission. "Like my pride."

" The reviews did upset you didn't it?"Shuichi says softly.

Daizai clears his throat. "Yeah… it did a little."

"Oh love." Shuichi takes Daizai into his arms.

With Daizai in his arms, he soothes him. "You can't let one bad review get to you to the point that you're doing things like this to yourself…Even if you claim its for your art. "

"C'mon. A little pain relieves stress. Its how I got started on all the body modification in the first place, so it was either this or get a new tattoo." Daizai mutters, his head in Shuichi's chest. "This seemed like the less stupid course of action. I'm starting to look more like a yazuka every day. Old ladies already turn around and walk the other way when they see me…"

"Come on." Shuichi leads him to the bathroom. "Lets take care of your hands."

* * *

As Daizai washes them, Shuichi goes to search for his first aid kit.

Shuichi carefully applies antiseptic cream on the small punctures on Daizai's hands.

"Sorry if this hurts," Shuichi says apologetically. "I'll do it as gently as I can. I just don't want it to leave scars or get infected"

"Hey it won't hurt as much as how I got them in the first place." Daizai mutters.

As Shuichi searches for his frist aid kit, he says. "What you're going through happens to everybody in any public arena Daizai. That's just part of being an artist is dealing with stupid critics. I mean do you know how many terrible reviews **Bad Luck **has gotten over the years? I lost count!"

" Those don't count in the first place." Daizai sniffs.

"So you know what its like. If only you took your own advice Daizai. " Shuichi finds the kit and puts it on the counter. " Also I researched it online and that one critic who wrote that really mean one is notorious for being a pompous jerk for the sake of it. Its his shtick. So you shouldn't take into account what he says."

"Yeah , but the bad reviews are what matter most. They are the ones that help you improve. That and I read it closely. even though the critic was an asshole, he had a point." Daizai winces as Shuichi begins to attend to his hand carefully. "Face it. I'm nobody. No matter how hard I try or how honest I am, everyone sees the intent of my work as trying to overcompensate for once being a frivolous fashion photographer'. I'm nothing special and I'm not trained to do this. The only reason anyone gives me the time of day is because I'm attached to you …like your appendage."

"That's not true at all. You're a wonderful artist with a lot to say, and that guy doesn't even know what he's talking about. Fashion photography can be a form of art and furthermore many famous art photographers started as fashion photographers too! Being traditionally trained has nothing to do with having artistic merit or having a good eye or talent. I mean look at Bad Luck, I never went to college to study music and neither did Hiro or Fujisaki…" Shuichi takes new gauze and wraps it around Daizai's hands.

"Yeah but what college would take you three?" Daizai mutters.

"Ha." Shuichi says testily. " As for people making that association with me, people will do that because that's what they're inclined to do. That's not even a bad thing! Initially, it works to your advantage. All it does is get your foot in the door. Once people see your work, and how amazing it is , it will stand up on its own and it won't matter to anyone who you're seeing. Its how the game works."

"I know but..." Daizai says solemnly. "Frankly I don't like this game Shu. I didn't like it when I was free-lancing, or when I was in the fashion world, and I don't like it here either, I find it pretty damn ugly and that's a lot coming from me. I don't like having to exploit my personal relationships to get ahead. It feels wrong."

"You aren't exploiting our relationship and who cares what they think Daizai? It's about your vision as an artist and how we feel about each other, all the rest is background noise. You have to ignore all that, and have confidence in yourself in order to succeed." Shuichi encourages him as he finishes up wrapping his hands.

"Why should I?"

"Because your work is amazing that's why! "

"Heh."Daizai looks away. "You're just saying that because I'm your lover Shu."

" Even if you weren't, I would think so. You been selling all those pieces to all those collectors! You being with me had nothing to do with that!"

"Are you sure about that ?" Daizai's eyes narrow.

"You think I would lie ?" Shuichi gawks.

"I don't know Shu" Daizai sighs." Maybe you would if you think it would help me or protect my feelings because.. that's your nature. You may be clumsy and make mistakes at times, but you're the most good-hearted and well meaning person I know. Actually, that's your worst problem. You think you have to save everybody and make everyone happy ."

Shuichi is stunned. "Daizai…that may be so but..."

"Yeah. I know you wouldn't do that. Sorry. If you did have anything to do with those sales, you would have told me by now," Daizai murmurs. "You're awful at keeping secrets like that."

"Yeah… I am. " Shuichi grimaces.

They leave the bathroom and inevitably find their way to the kitchen table.

Shuichi points to the Out Magazine article that he has separated from the pile. "Also I wanted to ask why did you print that article on Yuki for me?"

"I thought it might help you figure what you were asking me about his books that time." Daizai remarks as he takes a seat. "Did it?"

"It was interesting but I'm not sure it did." Shuichi says, sitting across from him.

"Why not?"

" …I ran into him again."

Daizai flinches at him from across the table. "What did you say?"

Shuichi says hesitantly. "I was so excited about the good news about your sales, I didn't tell you that I ran into Yuki… during my walk."

Daizai sits back in his seat. "No."

"Yes."

"How?" Daizai looks near horrified . "How… is that even possible?!"

"I'm asking myself the same question. It was eerie. When I saw him, Eiri looked awful and had this terrible black eye. He acted so strange… he said he had an accident so I helped him catch a cab…"

"But still… shit, what are the chances?" Daizai says disturbed.

" I know." Shuichi winces . "Does it bother you?"

"Um. I don't know if the word bother is the right one." Daizai mumbles and puts his head in his bandaged hands. "It's… bewildering. But no, it doesn't bother or surprise me that you would help the Eiri out if he was in a jam… but…"

"But what?"

"I guess I should be honest. I've been trying to be respectful, cool and mature about it, but this has been… troubling for me too Shuichi."Daizai's mouth twists as he struggles to say. "Maybe I shouldn't say this…but..uh…"

"No please. If something's troubling you I want to know about it. I'm sure it will make you feel to get it off your chest. "

"Okay I guess I have no choice because I already started, so I might as finish saying it." Daizai takes a deep breath. "I always knew your ex was, and I appreciated his work for a long time before I even met you - so to tell you the truth , I've always been … curious about you and Eiri's relationship. From what little I know, even I understand that Eiri had a major affect on your life and your career… you wrote some of your greatest hits about him like Glaring Dream."

"Yeah, but that was a while back…" Shuichi sighs.

"But rumor has it over the years that you inspired some of Eiri's best novels as well, including a few in that article … that's why I printed it out for you."

"If that's true, I don't know anything about it. Like which ones?"

"I don't know…several of them… but I think one of them is where the two straight boys fall in love with each other. **The Bitterness of Absence **one" Daizai swallows.

"That's not even possible. " Shuichi frowns. "Didn't Yuki… write that book when we had already broken up?"

"Yeah, well. " Daizai grimaces. "According to the rumor mill, you two tragically have never gotten over each other."

"Yeah and they would say we're Martians bent on world domination they could. That's just gossip mongering and trying to invent something in the slow day in entertainment news…" Shuichi sighs again.

"Initially, that's what I thought too, but I have to admit, it got me wondering. In all this time we've been together…and that's three years " Daizai's eyes widen "why is it you never talked about Eiri or your time with him even once?"

"Why would he come up Daizai?" Shuichi brow ticks. "I didn't even know you liked Yuki's books until recently. You even …hid that fact from me."

"Yes, I know I did, but that was because it seemed like you were purposely trying to avoid all mention him. You never expressed curiosity in knowing what Eiri was doing or what books he was releasing…. I mean you didn't even know Eiri married that supermodel or had kids. That's pretty common knowledge." Daizai looks down. "Because you never said anything about him or your history with him, I assumed maybe you just didn't want to go there, and that it would be best to keep the fact I liked his novels to myself."

" You shouldn't have felt that way. I wasn't purposely trying to avoid the subject," Shuichi says. " It was more that what Yuki was doing or not doing didn't interest me anymore… "

"Not even slightly? And once I tell you I like his books, you randomly run into him that time and get a book signed for me- which was wonderful of you to do by the way… but since then, after not talking about Eiri for years , you're suddenly reading his novels? I mean you never read. Except for a magazine, or stop sign or nutrition label occasionally!" Daizai exclaims. He looks near angry.

"I became curious because you liked them Daizai." Shuichi says confusedly at Daizai's agitated reaction. "I wanted to see why that was and maybe even have something else in common with you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try something out…"

"No there isn't anything wrong with it….in fact I'm glad to see you reading, and it is something we could do together, like have a book group or something." Daizai calms himself. "Its not that. What truly bothered me was that Eiri's books really seemed to pull a reaction out of you…"

"Well… yes, they are very sad." Shuichi admits.

"Is that all? I mean they're sad to all his readers, but you acted like…" Daizai shakes his head. " I know this sounds crazy but-"

"Acting like what?"

"Reacting like you did, saying you needed time for yourself had me really concerned. You were acting like …all … fucked up about it. … as if reading his work shook you to the core. " Daizai grits. "It was like… how a … anxious or heartbroken lover might react reading his works."

"Daizai. What are you talking about?" Shuichi's jaw drops.

" I don't even know. I just don't want you to see you get upset over something that doesn't warrant it Shu. Beautiful as Eiri Yuki's books are and as I much as I love them, they're not worth having a breakdown over. That and I admit it bothered me…" Daizai crosses his arms against his chest. "I've never seen you respond so viscerally to my photos- except to Bound Judgment ofcourse."

"How could I react the same?" Shuichi gapes. "I love your work Daizai, and it moves me… but what you and he do is completely different! I can't compare you two at all… "

" I know that. I know its petty and stupid and completely unfair but still. I can't help …comparing myself to your ex and I don't like how those odds are stacked. " Daizai glowers at the table top.

Shuichi mouth remains opens. "What odds?"

"I mean. Okay before I explain that." Daizai actually ducks his head and blushes. "Shit …I should admit something to you right now…this is embarrassing … but… promise not to laugh?"

Shuichi nods. "Ofcourse I won't."

"But if I had met Eiri Yuki as adolescent…" Daizai mumbles into his hands. "I probably wouldn't have been any better than any of those teenage girl fans that used to scream and try to tear off his clothing when they saw him. "

Shuichi gawps. "You … would have tried to tear off Yuki's clothing?!"

"At 16, hell yes I would of! But not in a sexual way- okay maybe slightly…alright I had a little crush on him then, but what did I know, I was just a kid!" Daizai winces, his blush deepening even further. " I think if I would have tried to tear at his clothes, it would be like how someone might try and grab at anything to comfort themselves, like how a beggar might clutch at a cloak of a well-dressed passerby for help! I mean… I was a lonely teenager, and I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay… and I wasn't exactly in an welcoming environment. But when I read Eiri Yuki books, I almost felt like … Eiri Yuki was like a … otherworldly or private poetic friend of mine, who because his novels were so… sensitive and emotionally honest, you felt like you could confide anything to him…I meant it when I said it felt like someone putting a hand on your shoulder and saying "You're not alone. You get it and I get it". That's how I felt. I know it sounds insane, but I was going through a lot at the time… and those novels he wrote…kind of saved me. They seemed to express exactly what I was going through. I mean, they're the kind of books I used to steal them from my sisters and read them secretly alone in my bedroom with a flashlight, and shed tears over them at night, convinced that no one else in the world understood me…." Daizai grits. "Mortifying as it is to admit."

"Wow" Shuichi stares wide eyed. "You didn't tell me Yuki's books meant so much to you … "

" I know. I know. I thought you would figure it out, when you saw how I reacted when I got that signed copy- I behaved like a complete dork. It was like being a awkward sixteen year old all over again. So not only am I dealing with that confusion, but I mean… Eiri Yuki is a damn intimidating opening act to follow. He's really handsome, famous, rich, cool, and talented… but there's also the sexual comparison- and from what you said, he actually did live up to his reputation about being good in bed- A lot of times people disappoint you there. " Daizai groans up at the ceiling. "Great. Now I have the image of you and Eiri in bed together burned into my brain, you and him and his apparently giant dick ! "

"Oh for God's sake, that was more than 15 years ago!" Shuichi cries and slaps a hand over his eyes." There's no opening act to follow here- I don't think of my relationships like a stage show! And you were the one who asked about our prior sex life saying you were secure in our relationship, I didn't even want to tell you about that!"

"Yeah well I guess I'm not as secure as I thought I was. Especially in the midst of setting off a new career- its got me all kind of off-balance, and my weird teenage idolization of his books. Not only that , you seem by some bizarre hand of fate to keep running into Eiri which doesn't help either…"Daizai sighs. " So what am I supposed to think of that ?"

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't what to think either about it. I'm just happy that reading Eiri's books helped you in a hard time of your life though. That and truthfully, I can say to you that despite what you may have thought what Yuki was like from his books, actually being with Yuki…the man himself, wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. I can tell you… he's deep down a good man… but he's not all that he appears. " Shuichi swallows. "We had a lot of problems."

"I know. I know oftentimes artists and their art can be completely different from one another. But on the surface …" Daizai shakes his head. "Eiri Yuki seemed …perfect for you. You seemed perfect for each other. "

"You're perfect for me Daizai."

" Its other way around I think. Frankly I've never cared for anyone else, except you. No one ever gave a shit about me either, and for a long time I didn't give a shit about myself." Daizai says frankly. "I sometimes feel like a stray you picked up and brought in from the cold. Maybe I am. But I'm so lucky you did. That's just another thing Eiri Yuki was right about."

"You're not a stray. "Shuichi tells him firmly. "Any more than I was one Daizai."

"No. Never " Daizai says softly. " You've never been a stray and thank God. You've always been loved and wanted by someone Shuichi. You came from a good family who cared about you. You've always had Hiro and your other good friends. That and you have millions of adoring fans. But I'm happy, because that's how it should be because you're someone beautiful and special."

"You're beautiful and special too." Shuichi says gently. "And that doesn't mean… that I didn't feel alone too sometimes Daizai."

"I know. But whether you knew I or not, you never were alone." Daizai looks away. "You even had Eiri Yuki or he had you for a while. I know it was a long time ago and you and Eiri had your issues and I don't know how it ended between you two, but … you really cared for each other, didn't you?"

Shuichi says quietly. "Yes we did care for each other but it doesn't matter anymore. You have absolutely nothing to worry about Daizai. Yuki and I are different people now, we made our choices and we have our own separate lives. That is the way it has to be."

The younger man stands up from his seat, frowning. "What do you mean… that's the way it has to be?"

"What I mean is whatever Yuki and I had… its over." Shuichi says hesitantly. "Its long in the past. There's no point in looking back."

"Don't say that." Daizai snaps. "Yes its over, but what you had with Eiri isn't irrelevant and the past is part of what made you who you are today."

Shuichi is quiet.

"But you want to know why I think reading those books upset you so much?" Daizai says softly. " I get the feeling that reading Eiri's books may have reminded you of some of those problems you mentioned having had with him back then."

"Why would it?"Shuichi says. "Our relationship ended a very long time ago."

"Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean there's closure to it. If everything between you two had been resolved, reading Eiri's books wouldn't be so distressing to you now . Maybe that's why you keep running into Eiri too… on some level, you and he still have unfinished business…"

"Like ghosts?" Shuichi gapes. "You're not saying we're… haunting each other are you?"

"Not exactly Shu." Daizai sighs. " Well maybe I do, in an emotional sense. I know you don't feel that way about Eiri anymore… but you got to admit there's a ghost, or just… something lingering between you two still."

"Daizai." Shuichi regards the younger man sadly. "What do I have to do to make you believe that I love you now?"

"Its okay. I believe that- you love me. That's not in question but …" Daizai bends down, and takes Shuichi by the sides of his face.

"But what…"

"But can we take some pictures together?"

* * *

Daizai spent the rest of the day taking photos of Shuichi. This time he takes it with a digital camera as he knows Shuichi likes to look at them straight afterwards.

Daizai says very little throughout. He also smokes the whole time.

At the end of the day, Daizai takes him to his studio which has a small adjunct room with a murphy bed. Sometimes when Daizai is really caught up in working, he stays in his studio overnight.

Daizai shows him the photos he's taken on his computer which he enlarges on a projection screen. Shuichi stands as Danzai sits in his desk chair.

'What do you think." Is all Daizai says.

"These are gorgeous Daizai." Shuichi replies.

Daizai glances at him "It helps having a gorgeous subject."

"Heh," Shuichi smiles. "You are such a flatterer."

"I'm just being honest. You don't mind my taking pictures of you, do you?"

"No.. no of course.. I don't." Shuichi says quietly. "In fact… I think one day you should make a book or make a show of these."

"Never. " Daizai inhales his cigarette. "The portraits of you are just for myself. Except for that time but I won't do it again… "

"Why not? Also, that picture didn't count Daizai… I wasn't really in it" Shuichi says softly.

"I won't do it again because it was my dedication to you for my first show and yes you were in the photo. Your shadow was in it, which is a part of you. I wanted to show you how even something as insubstantial of yours as your shadow is significant to me. That is why I wanted the work to be the most important work in the exhibition and that's why it had to be such a large scale." Daizai says.

"Yeah but that big?" Shuichi smiles. "Wasn't it a bit excessive?"

"No. I had to get the point across." Daizai says seriously.

"What point was that?"

Daizai puts out his cigarette and looks at him.

"Besides being beautiful, talented, kind, and full of life.. with you Shuichi I feel like there's something else inside you, some light, something indomitable… and powerful that most people don't see- because they're too blind to see it, but once they do see it… it doesn't let them go. It grips them. It changes them forever."

"I don't know what you're talking about Daizai." Shuichi tilts his head. "Also there wasn't much light like that photo… there was darkness and some sadness in it instead Daizai. Why?"

"Yes. You could say there is sadness or maybe anxiety in the image. All light, no matter how brilliant it is, casts a shadow. I wanted to know what yours is. That and the shadow represents what I don't and can't know about you. What's… between us. Everything about your past. Sometimes I think that there is something sad… inside you that you don't share with me . Things that have hurt you- that maybe I can't help you with, and that causes me hurt too. You don't know if the figure is coming or going… so the shadow represents maybe that anxiety… that uncertainty ."

"Uncertainty about what?" Shuichi whispers.

" I feel uncertain about lot of things. Especially the future. I don't know what will happen -with my career or with you, but I know if I don't make it as an artist photographer, I can move on to something else. But… I can't envision any future at all without you." Daizai states. "But that's the beauty of photos. Photos are a sure thing. They last."

Shuichi tilts his head up with a hand under his chin.

Daizai rises and pulls him forward, infront of the light.

With the image projected on their bodies, they kiss.

* * *

After that, they make love in Daizai's studio.

It's a focused, quiet, intimate experience. Most of it is simply being entwined, kissing and touching and not much actual sex, and all movements are slow, considerate of Daizai's injured hands.

Afterwards, they lie together in the half-darkness on his Murphy bed. Daizai lies back in his arms, his back against Shuichi's chest.

Daizai brings a hand very gingerly up to stroke Shuichi's cheek. "Its… important to me that and nobody ever know that it was your shadow in the photo except you and me."

"You like keeping that secret?" Shuichi leans into his hand and kisses his unscathed fingers.

"Yes." Daizai says. "I find it intimate, don't you?"

"Its very… romantic." Shuichi says sleepily.

Daizai looks up at him. "I like knowing that even unknowingly and just in your shadow alone , your beauty comes through. Even that nasty critic had to admit it. That and it was the first and the biggest piece of the show that sold- not that it matters that it sold but… I wonder…"

Shuichi shivers as Daizai twists his head to kiss his neck.

"I wonder if that mysterious buyer who bought _Love's Shadow _that night could see in it I see in you."

* * *

Daizai is still fast asleep when Shuichi wakes up. Even asleep, the young man looks utterly exhausted.

Shuichi kisses Daizai carefully on the cheek. He does not stir.

Quietly as possible, Shuichi checks his phone to check for the time. Then he checks his messages. Nothing particularly pressing. One from Hiro. Another funny picture text from Sakuma. He scrolls down and sees the text Eiri sent him a few days ago.

"_Eye is fine. Thank you for your help. - E.Y"_

Shuichi stares at it. Eiri never replied back to his other texts. He wonders if he should text him again. He wonders if Eiri is okay. The writer behaved so oddly when he last saw him.

Shuichi starts to text.

"_Hope you are feeling better."_

He erases that.

"_Are you ok Yuki? I was just wondering because when I last saw you , you didn't look so great. "_

He erases that too.

"_But why did you act so weird when I saw you? Did you really get in a accident? It looked almost as if someone attacked you! That was scary. Were you really in that park to 'meet someone'? If so, who was it? _

The pop star erases all those questions then types

_Do you truly like the photo you bought or did you just tell me that? Where is it hanging right now? I just hope its not in some storage unit never to be looked at again…"_

After he erases that, Shuichi types.

_"Where are you now Eiri? What happened to you in all these years- with your marriage and your children? (Your children are so beautiful by the way.) Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me something? _

He presses backspace and watches all of it disappear.

_Then again, you never didn't tell me much. Why did we never really talk about …what happened at the end? Actually, what did happen? It was so confusing. I still don't know what to think. I think… I was in the wrong though …_

Shuichi erases the paragraph and types.

_Did you really write some of those books about us? Is that why it hurts so much to read them? Why I can feel your presence when I do? Is that why I couldn't stop reading them for a while even though I wanted to?_

Backspace again.

_Most importantly, did you truly find happiness like you said in the interview? _

After a moment, Shuichi types.

_I hope you did Eiri. _

Then he types.

_Why do I feel the need to ask these questions now? _

_There's no way of answering them is there? _

He erases all that with a deep sigh.

There is one question he know he can answer. Shuichi wonders how _**The Seventh Sex **_ended. He reads a synopsis off the internet on his phone.

It turns out XX was never happy or in love with his all six of the previous main long-term relationships throughout his life. Those relationships were always built on lies, as they always required him to pretend to be someone he wasn't and play a gender or power role that did not feel true to himself. Those relationships were also always based in the fulfilling of power dynamics (Such as being a younger dependent on a older benefactor, or vice versa) and more in the convenient gratifying in mutual various material, economic and selfish psychological needs then actual love and support.

XX realizes he was always either using his lovers, or being used himself. In spite of all his vast and worldly experience with men and women and all those in between, XX has never experienced true love or acceptance, so in that way, all of his journey has amounted to nothing.

XX then descends into an intense depression and bitterness, thinking relationships and love itself is a lie. He believes love is just a name that people attribute to the gratifying of their base desires and their fears about being alone. XX believes now as he came into the world alone, that is the way he will live from then on and die the same way. He swears never to care for anyone but himself again, as all it has done is hurt him.

It turns out, the last relationship, the seventh, XX finally does find the love and acceptance that he's longing for.

XX by chance accidentally runs into childhood friend tom boy Taura again, the only person who has ever liked him for who he really is. Taura, true to her brave and heroic spirit in adulthood, has become a police officer. (Funnily enough, they meet again when Taura pulls him over to give him a ticket for speeding.)

They rekindle their friendship. XX hides and lies about his business practices (he is also still tied to the glamorous bisexual and amoral underworld couple amongst other things such as art and antique forging, and smuggling- and how he met this amoral couple in the first place ).

Taura and XX friendship develops into a passionate love affair. With Taura, XX finally feels free, happy and contented as he is no longer constantly pretending or reduced to role-playing. Also being straight forward and self-sufficient , Taura does not want or need anything from him except to love him. He doesn't need to otherwise pretend with her (except her being a police officer, he omits telling her about his life of crime')

With Taura XX feels entirely free and self-actualized and alive. Love XX realizes is self liberation, and liberating others. It has no limit. It goes beyond everything, sex, gender, class, nationality. It goes beyond and beyond and beyond.

After this revelation, XX knows he is madly in love with Taura and cannot think of a life without her. He even wants Taura to become his wife of sorts (or rather , not believing in gender specific terms and having a sense of humor, he calls her his lucky 7).

This is exciting and life changing, as this is something XX never considered before or even thought possible for himself after his thought of swearing off love and his belief that he will die alone.

However XX is still "involved" with the glamorous amoral couple as he owes them money and they are in business together.

Worried about his own and Taura's safety , XX plans to escape Japan. He proposes to Taura and tells her the truth about himself- about his difficult life as an teenage escort and how it lead to his questionable path now. He tells her he plans to run away with her and start a new and legitimate life.

Taura is not only shocked and upset that XX has lied to her all this time, but she also has family ties, many friends and a job she loves and doesn't want to leave. Forever the optimist, Taura believes because of her police officer background, she can protect XX from the evil couple.

XX tells Taura he isn't worth putting herself at risk. XX worried more for Taura's safety then his own, states that the only way to guarantee her safety is to turn himself in and by doing so he can testify against the glamorous couple and bring them all down.

Taura refuses to allow him to do that. She loves XX too much to see him go to prison, however but knowing of his criminal background, she realizes she cannot in good conscience be with him anymore.

She refuses his proposal and breaks off their relationship.

Rejected, XX resigns himself to the glamorous couple. He is completely miserable but at least relieved in the knowledge that now separated from him, Taura will be safe. But before he does, XX buys a ring for himself and engraves Taura's name and "7 " on it to symbolize his secret love for her.

Back with the couple, XX never wears this private ring, as he is worried the couple might notice, but keeps it in his pocket .

Things get worse for him and the couple. The couple grow from amoral, to just plain depraved. XX is scared but can't see any way out of his situation. However he feels sad or angry or afraid, he puts his hand in his pocket to feel the ring there, to think of Taura and comfort himself.

Cruelly, the amoral couple sees XX do it once. They makes him show the ring to them, and then to punish him, they mock him and have someone beat him up and watch for their own amusement . They even laugh and clap at some parts. Afterwards, as he lies groaning and bleeding on the ground. The wife (while stepping on his hand with a high-heeled shoe) takes the ring from him .

For that point, she wears it on a gold chain around her neck as a trophy to torment him. It does torment him. XX desperately wants his ring back, as he has nothing else to remember Taura by and he is worried about them finding out who Taura is .

The underworld glamorous couple, as they now have his ring, they do find out who Taura is and that his former lover was a police officer . They now distrust him and think him as a possible betrayer or a plant from the police.

Taura who suspects this might happen all along, even though their relationship has ended and even knowing of XX's illegality, tries to secretly watch over and protect XX.

However, Taura overestimates her ability to protect him. When a hired gun tries to shoot XX, Taura pushes him out of the way, and gets fatally shot. Heroic to the end, she dies saving his life.

XX, realizes he's next to die. He has to make a choice. he can run and try and save himself or he can stay and face the music and try and avenge Taura in the process. Tired of running and a life of uselessness, constant opportunism and deception and seeing the consequences of his actions, XX chooses the latter option. He buys himself a gun and grimly waits for the inevitable show down.

In an orgy of violence, a show down finally happens between him and the glamorous married couple.

Everyone dies at the end.

When XX is shot and mortally injured, with great effort, he agonizingly crawls through broken glass to get to the evil wife's dead body. He manages to yank off the ring off the chain off from around her neck.

XX is determined that his last act on earth is he put Taura's ring on his finger and finally get the chance to wear it. Even though, as he believed, he will die alone, but at least he will die unlike he lived, he thinks, an honest person. At least now, despite all the indignity and misfortune that has happened in his life, there will be a moment of redemption. At least now , before he dies he can declare his love for Taura openly.

His hand slippery with blood drops it on the floor.

XX dies before he gets another chance to pick it up and try again.


End file.
